Lately I've been fantasizing about being gangbanged. Ceding my identity, my autonomy. Being reduced to fuckmeat. Existing only for the pleasure of the men involved. Being humiliated. Being pissed on. Being called cocksucker, cum slut, cum dump, fleshlight. Making me acknowledge I'm a cocksucker, cum slut, cum dump, fleshlight. Getting fucked at both ends all night, maybe into the morning. Getting tied up and abused, abused not so much physically but emotionally and psychologically. I want to get slapped, spanked, whipped. But I want that to be the means to a deeper, more sinister end. I want these guys to make me cry. Yes, I want to cry as these guys beat and fuck me, and make me say things like the only thing I'm good for is to have dicks put in me.

This is a fantasy I would like to live out in real life. I'm considering going on PrEP for this. Aftercare would be crucial though.

And I understand people who have suffered sexual violence often cope with it by seeking out extreme situations, perhaps in an attempt to give themselves a sense of will for and control over the violence.

The thing is I have never suffered anything on this level. I've never been assaulted or abused in this way or to this extreme. I know I have talked about my rape fantasies before and I have gotten nothing but positive and supportive response from my concerns. The gist of what I got back is it's OK to have the fantasy but it doesn't necessarily mean it should happen as literally as I picture it. And I still enjoy thinking about getting raped from time to time.

The thing is this desire is extreme. What is motivating me to want to live it if it's not a past traumatic experience? Where is this coming from? Is there some other aspect of my life I should be examining? Is this the sign of a deep subconscious hatred of myself? Could I hate myself more afterwards? Am I setting myself up for a lifetime of being nothing more than a sexual object? Is my lust writing a check my person can't cash? Should I not be so passive?

Some possible motivations concern my attraction to the same sex and lack of success with the opposite sex. I've never been very successful with the ladies. I put the blame solidly on myself. I am confident I don't know how to present myself in an appealing way to women. Basically I'm not sexy. I don't like this fact but my life is more peaceful if I accept it, so I ask everyone not to try to convince me otherwise. It would be counterproductive. Still, my hopeless longing is a source of frustration. Maybe my fantasy is an attempt to rechannel those frustrations and grieve my realization that I will never truly be happy.

In addition, my attraction to guys is something I have been working on for many years. There was so much internalized homophobia to deal with and get rid of. At this point of my life I do want to explore guys sexually and I have no qualms about that. Maybe the fantasy is the ultimate acceptance of that too.

In short: is this fantasy and its realization a good path for me?