A few years ago I would’ve never forseen myself adding to a bisexual group. Let alone using Reddit. But this has been the best resource since I’ve accepted my bisexuality. I hope the my journey so far is able to help other straight men who have shifted.

The earliest awakening I remember is being 17 at the counter working at Taco Bell. Then I was semi conservative and religious. Homosexuality seemed wrong to me. But one day this 5’9 stocky clean cut Hispanic man comes thru the door with so much energy and confidence. Construction worker long sleeve and i think his eyes might’ve been a little red like he’d been smoking. He didn’t say too much yet he was so welcoming. I remember him going “ hey bro how’s it going today!” and the excitement and nervous feeling he gave me felt like I was talking to an attractive woman.

I examined the feeling, thought little of it. Definitely didn’t assume romantic feelings. He came in at least 3 other occasions when I was working there. Same feeling and almost eager to greet him when he walked in. I knew there was something about him that was drawing me to him, might’ve had a slight revelation, but quickly brushed it off. I was set in being straight.

A year or so goes by, I had a few hookups with girls in college, developed a long term relationship with a woman I emotionally bonded with. Then I meet this man at an interview. 27 year old 6’3 southern man named Jon, ended up becoming his coworker. Had the same level of charm over me, but nothing further developed, yet

The real questions about my sexuality developed at my Meat department job at Safeway. Very fitting. I had a lot of downtime to daydream and eventually at some point thought of the possibility of fucking my boss. Nothing attractive about him whatsoever, he was old, short, wore a gaiter most of the time. Yet I had a real thrill from the image of me on top of him, shoving myself down him.

I started feeling like that about every male boss I had, the thought of stripping their power and topping them ruminating my mind often. But I still didn’t think it was actually a fathomable desire. Just some kind of power play at hand.

Sometime after I started becoming really addicted to porn, I started to come across more gay porn and I had to adjust to the reality that it gave me the same excitement as straight porn. It made me relive time I spent with my gay friends in college, wondering the possibility if I had explored in college when the opportunity was greatest.

There was a time Jon and I did dabs in my apartment, we talked for hours about work, politics, life, weed. I don’t think he had the same interest in me, but I fantasize about what could’ve happened that night and sometimes I consider trying to text him anonymously and seeing if we can’t schedule a meet up where he lives in Texas.

Present day, I am living discreetly as I live with my girlfriend of 3 years. I have a strong commitment to her, but my mind is always wandering to the possibility of my first time with a man. My family and friends have a moderately low tolerance and understanding of the LGBT, and I think I might be hiding this part of myself for the rest of my life. That’s okay with me now, in the relationship that I have. But if we ever break up I wonder how these feelings will factor into my life afterwards. I’m having trouble with the bisexual label as I haven’t had the experience to really test that attraction. It’s relieving to see that other men have similar confusion towards their feeling about their sexuality in the same way I do.

I am considering asking for a hall pass from my partner, who is also bisexual, just to ease these confusions and lustful thoughts. I let her make out with girls at parties, but this is different and might change our relationship dynamic if I were to ask.

First post, kinda sounds dumb to me but I appreciate any advice and insight you have to offer.