Hi friends, I hope your day serves you well. I am new to this subreddit. Over the last 2-3 years of browsing, Reddit has taught me a lot about how living as a bisexual man is. Thank you for your contributions. I just wish I had discovered Reddit and seen it earlier...

I'm 25M, bisexual heteroromantic with a big lean in physical attraction to guys. I'm learning to love that about myself. But, let's just say that the last 12.5 years have been incredibly tough. I have been and still am struggling a lot. After being genuinely straight from ages 9-12, a gay-switch occurred at 12.5, and I've dabbled between gay, straight, bi... you name it, I've considered it.

I've always had two things against me: undiagnosed clinical depression (got the diagnosis at 23, had it since 10, getting better now) and a hardcore, religious family background, so building romantic relationships has been incredibly difficult for me. Despite living in a free country, I was told that the ideas of premarital activities, homosexual thoughts/actions, etc. were considered sinful, as well as obstacles for entering the kingdom of Heaven and being accepted by God. I am not preaching this whatsoever, this is just what I was told. Internalized homo/biphobia, abstinence and self-hatred stopped me from dating anyone. At the time, I didn't want the few women I was attracted to to be turned off by my attraction for men, and I didn't dare come out or act upon my attraction for men out of fear. The bi-cycle hits me really hard too...

I pushed people away romantically throughout HS/college, friend zoned them, and just stuck to making friends in general. Funny enough, I thought that since I was a twink (still sorta am) guys were supposed to approach me (I know... it's actually hilarious). I never made dating profiles out of paranoia and in fear of: being outed, screenshotted, made fun of, etc. That is until...

A year and a half ago, I did it. I snapped. I was 23, desperate and finally recovering from depression... I actually kissed another guy, and a little more. He was 32. That was my real first kiss. I was scared shitless! I thought I was doomed for life. But, since then, it unlocked my romantic confidence. Within the last 1.5 years I: had a GF once, I had a LDR BF once, and dated about 6 others. People actually told me I was beautiful... A lot of firsts have been made. It's been liberating, but tough nonetheless. The realization that I didn't even need a traditional "coming out" to just live my life was a hard one. And no, my family does not know, but a good portion of my friends have since I was 19.

The thing is, I don't know if I can forgive myself for allowing such internalized homophobia and BS to manifest in my mind for this long. I'm not unattractive, I'm not an Incel, I'm not hard to get along with, I'm not uncaring, in fact, I'm quite the opposite of each. I feel like I wasted so much time repressing myself and stopping myself from living. I feel like I've missed out on so much. HS, gone. College, gone. Youth, mostly robbed. I feel like young love is something that I just scraped the surface of. I know it isn't all my fault, but it feels like it. I just wish I hadn't been living so scared.

Today at 25, I now date both men and women actively, mostly from apps. I'm honest with guys about my outness. I want love. I keep going in life, improving my depression. I'm really trying to unpack all of the nonsense that was pumped into my head. I know I'm still young, but I feel like I'm also running out of time to be playing catchup like this. 30 is coming so soon. I feel like a child still, behind in many ways. I always thought I would be married by 26. I feel like a teenager who is just learning how to date. I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. I don't want to be bitter and jaded. My apologies for rambling, I appreciate it if you made it this far. <3

So, bi-guys, does it get better? Can I ever forgive myself for wasting youth and repressing myself for this long? Have you? If anyone has any input, I don't care how harsh it is, I would really appreciate it. I end this written piece with lots of love and positivity to you all. Thank you.