I’ve posted on questioning like four days ago, but I’m still confused and I realized I needed to add more info. Also sorry but this gonna be very long.

I, 18M have been confused on my sexuality and attraction for a bit more than half a year. Ever since March, I have been on and off about questioning whether I’m bi, straight, or gay. I keep looking up Reddit and other stuff about stories, wondering sometimes if I’m making it up just to fit in? Anyway here’s my story:

As far as I know, until March of this year, I was completely straight. I don’t think I had any signs of being attracted to men, (my memory isn’t the greatest). I have used porn off and on since around 13, only watching straight porn until recently. My attractions were at the time, fully, 100% women, although sometimes I wonder if it’s from the porn.

My attractions have always been pretty weird, even to women, as they disappear after like a couple of days for the most part, for the most part. I’ve had some crushes in women that last for a long while, but I’m starting to wonder if all of it was infatuation… or maybe limerence, not too sure. I’ve never really been attracted to celebrities, or people in media didn’t see what the point is. I wouldn’t say I’m demisexual, but I wonder….

When I was 15, I got into my first, and currently only relationship with someone. In hindsight, she was an awful person to be a date, and we never actually did anything (not even a kiss). Still, for the first day, I was excited and couldn’t sleep at the thought of me having a girlfriend. I did notice that my feelings were slowly disappearing during that time, which was strange, cause it only lasted like four days. Maybe it’s cause she was awful, or due to other reasons?

Thankfully the relationship ended, and I moved on. I had crushes with others, sometimes lasting like a couple of weeks or months, but mainly days. I kept getting stuck in the infatuation part, I suppose, and maybe that’s due to porn? Anyway during this time I quit porn for the most part, but never felt anything to men.

When I was 17, after reading prostrate play around March in Quora did it seem to awaken something? I wanted to get fucked so badly, and I think it lead to a somewhat attraction to men? (I was not using porn at the time.) I tried to use fingers and things that might work as sex toys, but it didn’t feel good. (I suppose cause it wasn’t an actual sex toy. I haven’t gotten into prostrate play since did get into it, but I still do fantasize about getting fucked.

This was all happening during my senior year (I’m in college right now), I may have had a crush on this one guy (he was gay). I’m not too sure. I did think about having sex with him and for a time I even masturbated, but it did disappear. I had known him since the beginning of the year, and we bickered a lot. I picked on him a lot, but all in a joking manner, I didn’t feel butterfly feelings with him and tbh I was a bit annoying to him, but I did care about him and it was all for fun. I liked having him as a friend, although I don’t know if he saw me that in the end… he treated me coldly in graduation.

Unfortunately I never did get his phone number, and was greatly disappointed. A friend of his asked if I wanted his phone number and I acted a bit anxious? I think? Regardless, when I tried talking to him tone, so I never did do it.

My feelings kinda just disappeared while I was in summer break. My parents wouldn’t care if I bring home a boyfriend so that’s not it. They had even told me if I came out as gay or bi, they would support it, which makes me wonder now if they knew something… Despite this, the only time these feelings seemed to appear was when I read “gay content”. This can vary from cuddling to sex, with gay people, especially from femboys. (I had not watched gay porn yet)

When I went into college, my feelings for a while were numb. I questioned my sexuality, wondering if I was an aromantic, and feeling pretty bummed that I wouldn’t be able to find true love (I don’t think I am aromantic right now.) I later found out that I had depression and anxiety, which could explain somethings later on. I was, for a time, jealous of everyone that had a relationship. Anyway, as I got better, I started to no longer feel jealous. I went to my college’s gym and got a trainer (because without someone I’ll just do nothing). When going through the process, I never really noticed him, but the first day, I was immediately attracted to him and had a crush. Interested, I went and masturbated to gay erotica and it sorta disappeared. It’s off and on tbh, but very faint.

During this time, I realized two things: I was really attracted to femboys/feminine men to more than girls, to the point where I can look at them in the screen and get a hard on, although me not liking women as much anymore may be because of the desensitization), and that the infatuation for girls isn’t really there anymore. I mean I had a dream of fucking an intersex girl, but that’s really it. When I saw my trainers friend, who kinda looks feminine, for two minutes, I had a deep crush on this man, getting hard and everything. The feelings disappeared within two minutes, however, and I feel almost nothing to him now.

These past few days I’ve thought of a lot. I didn’t feel the energy to move (I forgot my meds i was kinda in a depressive episode, I’m a bit better right now) I just looked on Reddit, and thought of several things:

1. I’ve thought of being a femboy, but idk if I actually want to, or it’s cause I want to be submissive to a male partner, and tbh I could also be attracted to a femboy cause they are stereotypically submissive, idk what tho. I’ve also thought of wearing pink clothes and while I’m all for trying, I don’t want to explain my parents, and I’d feel pretty embarrassed.

2. I just want to be submissive with men. I can’t imagine myself as a top, nah I’m a complete bottom. I can’t feel that way with women, tho. I guess certain preferences. I also can’t see myself in a relationship with a trans man, for some odd reason, I think? I have no problem with them, it’s just weird.

3. My thoughts have changed into a sorta gay way. Whenever I read posts of someone having a boyfriend, I think of as if it’s the man having the boyfriend, not the female. This is very new, and sorta interesting.

4. For a very short period of time, I wanted a boyfriend. I still kinda do, but not like this. I’ve thought of cuddling someone and sometimes I get turned on but for the past few days nothing. During that time, I wanted to be fucked and cuddled and feeling protected by a man. I wanted to (and still do) secretly be controlled in the bedroom like a slut, while my partner tells me what to do. (Only in the bedroom though, we’d be equal otherwise). Unfortunately, besides sex toys and maybe getting fucked and told what to do, I feel nothing right now. I’m getting sex toys this week and I’m excited to use a dildo (the feelings seem to be gone rn bedsides fucking myself, but we’ll see) Idk why I don’t want a woman as much anymore , but again I’m a bit worried it’s from porn.

5. I questioned myself several times. I wrote down in journal during this half a year questioning, and still had no answers. I don’t know whether I’m gay, bi or what, and I can’t stop asking myself this. I’ve asked myself if I’m forcing myself to be gay/bi, i’ve asked myself whether looking up on Reddit so many times have caused these feelings, and that if I’ve stopped, they’ll go away. (To be fair, whenever I stop for a while, it seems to disappear? Idk). I’ve asked myself if I’m a fraud cause no childhood signs, and that my feelings are weird because I don’t really feel anything right now to people right now. I’ve asked whether I’m doing this just cause I want to belong.

I’ve also wondered about porn. Since the beginning of college, I’ve used gay porn once, and several times using erotica. I’ve heard that you can like more extreme stuff the longer you’ve watched porn and I’m not saying gay sex is extreme, I might have subconsciously felt like that. I’m trying to quit porn and sexy stuff like that, but I semi relapsed while trying to order sex toys today.

I’ve heard several things from porn: Porn doesn’t damage you, that it does damage you, and that people have been healed from the porn damage. I’ve heard that porn isn’t a reliable source to find sexuality, and so I’m also wondering if it tricked me into thinking this way. I know that sexuality can be fluid so I’m mega confused. I’m just a bit worried that I won’t like it and maybe hurt someone. With my dating track record, I ain’t getting anyone for a long time, so I’m worried that if I don’t figure it out, it’ll end badly.

Btw I’m not gonna try Grindr just to try sex for the first time, if I’m fucking someone, it’s someone I trust (who is also tested; ofc I will get tested as well). (I also don’t have condoms right now, not like it matters).

So I’m really confused and need some guidance so I can move forward. Please 🙏

TLDR: teenager from the US questions whether he is bi or gay 1028 times every day.