I only ever had one long term relationship with a girl for 3 years before she broke me mentally and spiritually. After she started cheating on me, I did the same. At first it was with other women but then I started fantasizing about men. Except I wasn’t ever interested in kissing a man. Never fantasized about being romantic with one or anything. It was purely an oral fixation type thing.

So I tried giving head to two different guys just to see if it might change anything in me. It didn’t though. I instantly regretted my decisions because it wasn’t pleasurable. So then I let a guy give me head and I couldn’t finish. I thought to myself “could you be a bottom or a top?” Tried hooking up with a bottom but I couldn’t get hard. Then tried stimulating my g spot but it never felt comfortable to have anything in my butt.

That’s the extent of my gay “phase” or whatever. I’m lonely and sad a great deal of the time because I never found someone I love like my ex. I think maybe I was acting from a place of hurt and disappointment with the opposite sex. When I was a teenager I identified as “asexual” because I was never horny or interested in people. But as an adult, I have this deep yearning to be loved by someone.

I don’t want to be alone anymore but it’s all I know how to do. Socializing doesn’t interest me much. I can’t see myself with anyone but I want someone who actually loves me for me. I love myself and I guess know myself a little bit better now, but still confused nonetheless. Anybody here able to empathize with this or experienced something similar?