This is partially a rant, but mostly just to get off my chest. Any advice/opinions are more than welcome.

I’ve always struggled with the idea of being bi; I must’ve had a lot of internalized homophobia because I managed to gaslight myself for 19 years that I’m not, which is hilarious to me now. People used to think I was gay, and I’m sure a few still do; it used to bother me but doesn’t really anymore (just a little cause they’re right, I just don’t want them to know specifically). I live in a pretty homophobic place so I’m not too keen on telling just anyone. So far I’ve told one friend, and I plan on telling my parents but I’m not ready yet. I’ve decided for the time being no one else in my life should know, not because I don’t trust them but because most of my friends are also close to the guy and if they knew I was bi, most of them would piece together who I like pretty quickly. I moved within my city 3 years ago and had to change schools, so I joined a new friend group, including the guy, we’ll call him X (18M). I’m on an exchange program for the summer right now so I won’t see him for a few months which removes the immediate anxiety about seeing him after writing this out. Also want to say my internalized homophobia didn’t extend to others thankfully (at least consciously, hopefully not at all), as in I didn’t think any less of other gay people, I just couldn’t be gay myself? It’s dumb I know

Anyways X was a very fun and cool person to talk to and be around. We became friends really quickly after discovering we had a lot of similar interests (theatre and sports) and getting closer also showed that we have near identical personalities. As we got closer, I began to notice that I felt way more invested in my friendship with X than even my best friends. If friend A wasn’t free it was ok, but if X wasn’t then I got really disappointed and anxious. I also thought he was hot but I gaslit myself into believing that I was just really jealous of his looks and desperate to be better friends with him. We also have had the “if you were a girl I’d like/date you” conversation. So that’s funny. Anyways over the next 3 years we’ve gotten closer and closer and considered each other best friends for about a year now. We’ve each dated girls during our friendship, all of which were several month long relationships (which makes the way they mostly ended weird, talk a bit about it later).

The friend I chose to tell is a coworker of mine. She’s bi and when we first met she said I reminded her of a guy she used to be friends with, then said “you’d be identical unless you’re straight”, and my denying ass obviously said I was. Then she joked around saying “give it time” and that she had a sense for this kinda thing. I kinda laughed it off but what she said stuck with me and I started to let myself wonder if it was the case and over time came to realize she wasn’t wrong.

Since that point about 3 months ago I’ve accepted that I like X, and I would tell him, only I don’t know if he’s bi/gay and I’m not willing to lose our friendship. I’m not really worried about him accepting me but I’ve been in the position of being liked by one of your best friends and it’s usually weird if you don’t feel the same. He’s the person I go to for literally everything. Hanging out, talking about my problems, just having fun. All my favourite memories involve him. I think there’s a chance that he isn’t straight (not one I’m willing to take) cause he does/says a lot of questionable things.

An example is I’ll catch him staring at me more than would be considered normal. He’ll be mid conversation with another person and I’ll look up and he’s staring at me and quickly looks away. Or sometimes he just holds eye contact. Another weird one is how friends will fake flirt with each other? If you don’t then this’ll sound very weird. Our friend group does that to varying degrees. Some just say stuff, others grab each other and some don’t at all (we only do this stuff with the guys who’ve said they’re cool with it). X does it but much more with me, he doesn’t touch anyone else jokingly but he’ll grab my butt or thigh a lot. He could just be committing to the joke really hard but I feel like the fact he doesn’t do that to our other friends is a little odd. Another thing is he’s a theatre kid. He’s also talked about stuff like bi panic a fair few times, and other stuff in that vein. He also follows a lot of gay people on tiktok/ig. And any time we each had a girlfriend, if I ended a relationship, he would end his within a week. I don’t know it could all just be me being a little insane and connecting stuff where it’s not.

Regardless of his sexuality I’m gonna be studying abroad in Asia so not really an option to have anything happen. We both have such different plans for our lives I doubt it would work out, and I’m very happy staying as best friends.

Thanks for reading!