I tend to put up these journal posts when I get in a certain mood. This type of post has to do with my desire to lose myself in submissive homosexual pleasure, and can get pretty sappy. I'm not saying I don't want to experience some same sex fun, but I'm concerned about my perspective.
When I get in these moods, the desire is consuming and my perspective is not the wisest. It's almost like an obsession. It's not even like I'm as horny as I was a couple of decades ago, though I do get horny. I'm concerned about where this drive comes from sometimes. I feel it's making me make unwise decisions sometimes. Honestly it's starting to scare me.
It seems like this drive is a compensation for something. Here I am middle aged with zero romantic prospects. Wild homoerotic fantasy is one way to fill the void. It does check off some of the boxes, including masking the pain. (If you read my last journal entry, there must be a lot of pain to mask!)
I'm not questioning my attraction to the same sex. I look forward very much to playing around with guys. But I don't want this openness to be a reason to destroy myself or to avoid asking uncomfortable questions, questions I have to ask myself.
What I'm getting at is what I really want, and need, is sexual contact and profound emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex. I have not felt hopeful of finding that in a long, long time. Something has to give. I can't hide behind another guy's dick any longer.