Hey guys,
Been meaning to write for a while - but my questions always keep shifting.
I tried to get a shrink but its just such a long wait - so I decided to crowdsource this:
So - I met my Girlfriend 14 years ago at a party where I tried to figure out what is going on with a guy that I had been seeing but never managed physical contact. That same night I actually kissed another feminine guy and didn’t like the taste and didn’t feel it. I had forgotten that part actually, but she had seen it.) later that night I corner her and start to kiss her like crazy. We had a one night stand that turned into a 14 year relationship with two kids of 10 and 3 …a dog and a big house.
In the beginning I had a hick up when I was also into a guy and 5 yard ago we had a cute guy in the office that I crushed on. When he left my life went back to “normal”.
So with 25 for the first time I thought I was gay without ever recalling any feelings like this before.
After that some years of misery followed where I blocked when ever something could happen with guys, liked some girls - when I got with them got confused that I also looked at guys. Also was in love with a girl that felt like the love of my life and I thought about for 8 years after our brake up….
Anyhow.
4-5 month ago I felt super super straight. Actually I wondered how I could have ever felt queer.
I model a engagement ring and almost have it ready for 3D printing - next day I look at the guy half my age next to me (gay) and think - I could fuck him. This how the turmoil started again.
So I got symptoms like:
Wanting to cut my wrist. (Not so much anymore, though)
Turning in my head - feeling dissy
Feeling nauseous
Lastly - I feel like something is stuk in my butt - and I hate it.
Does anyone know those sensations?
I feel I can flip flop into a queer part of me and and that will even be submissive anyhow small and powerless.
It freaks me the hell out!
I don’t like anything in my butt - I tried. It makes me wanna cry.
So also - sorry to say it so frank:
Gay porn I find disgusting.
I never had a hard on because of a guy, but I feel drawn towards some.
There is a warm burning sensation in my chest, though - thinking about guys.
How can you be gay and find gay sex disgusting?
I managed to imagine sex with a guy twice without finding it disgusting. So I guess that is progress??
Second question
I talked to my partner:
Basically - she says the line is at monogamy. She would absolutely not open the relationship.
Has anyone ever come out - but not acted on it? Or substituted it with something else?
I don’t think I will get a lid on it again, but sometimes I’m surprised because I felt so straight for a long time.
Basically: I love my partner dearly! We have great sex! We build up a lot together! Our family is a all hands on deck job and demanding as it is. Work live also isn’t easy…
Breaking up would be a disaster for the kids. Me and logistically a nightmare!
Can anyone relate to what I wrote above?
Thanks in advance!