I’ve had a crush on my coworker for a while now. At first, I was just sexually attracted to him. We started to shoot the shit and eventually got flirty (I’m out as gay at work though I’m technically bisexual, just homoromantic). He’s a very flirty guy, cute and muscular. I’m more of an average nerdy artsy type but I’ve been told I’m cute.

Anyways, he started slapping my ass and pinching my nipples at work for shits and giggles (we are severs and what goes on in the back of house is not strictly professional lol). He is self-identified straight but as you can probably guess this shit was making me extremely horny as I LOVE getting my ass and nipples played with.

So one night we all go out for drinks for a coworker’s last night and me and this man are glued to each other the entire night. He tells me his whole life story and I am rubbing his thighs and arms with my hands. He offers to drive me home ad at this point I am semi-convinced we are going to fuck.

We get in his car and I’m like “Look man, I want to fuck you.” He laughs and says that his butthole is too tight. And I was like “We don’t have to do any of that. I’d love to just suck you off or give you a handjob.” He starts laughing and I’m like “You’re telling me if I reached over there and grabbed your dick right now you would say no?” And he chuckles and says “I meannnn…” So I place my hand on his thigh. At this point he looks at me and says “No, sorry. You’re an attractive dude but this is not my thing.” I’m like “Ok, got it.”

After this essentially nothing changes. He is still flirty, if not more so, and teases me about wanting to fuck him. It’s at this point that we start to get closer and I start catching feelings after everything he told me about himself that night at the bar. Eventually it started to get really difficult for me to be around him and work with him. So I put in my two weeks and got a different job. I told him that I needed to talk because I am someone who craves closure and honesty and communication. I wanted to tell him how I felt. We had plans to grab a drink and talk but he stands me up two nights in a row, the first night because he forgot and the second night does not respond to or answer my calls. We worked together the next evening and he told me it was because his buddy got a DUI and he had to go pick him up. But at this point I’m kind of done because I’ve heard nothing from this man in 24 hours and feel that he at least owed me courtesy to text me and let me know what was up.

So I finish my two weeks and don’t really talk to him much. A week goes by at the new job and I stop by the old place to grab my last paycheck. He’s there and he asks me to get a drink tonight and says “For real this time.” I said sure, but he has to call me when he gets off and I’m not gonna hold my breath about it.

So he calls me and we decide on a bar. He says his homegirl (best friend of 12 years) is gonna come with us so I figure there’s not going to be any deep or vulnerable conversations tonight. I meet them there expecting to have a couple of drinks and go home. Long story short, we closed the place down and got shitfaced. We go back to his homegirl’s apartment to crash for the night.

At her place him and I finish a bottle of moscato. Then she goes to bed. We are sleeping in the same room, me on the floor and him on the couch. I drunkenly crawl over to the couch and say “I have to tell you something but I don’t know if I should.” And he says “Okay. If you’re not sure, then don’t tell me.” I sigh and say okay, then I rest my head on his chest. I can hear his heart beating. I lay there for a few minutes then reach up and start to play with his hair and nuzzle his neck. He says “Hey bud, what are you doing?” And then I kiss him. He took a deep breath and then said “Oh fuck it.” And then we started making out. He is a great kisser and knows how to use his tongue. We lay there like that for a few minutes, me laying on top of him with my arms around him kissing him. Then, I, being drunk and horny, reach for his dick. He stops me and says “Whoah dude, that’s beyond my comfort zone.” I said “Okay, we can stop if you want to.”

We kiss a little more and then I rest my head on his chest. He is running his fingers through my hair and says he will play with my curls any day. I said I am always down for another friendly makeout sesh. He laughs and says “Honestly, just get me drunk again. Shit, was that the wrong the to say?” And then I tell him that I have feelings for him. He sighs and says “I’m sorry I don’t feel the same way. I tried. You’re a fucking catch. I’m sorry if I lead you on.” I said it was okay, he doesn’t have to feel the same way and it’s good that now I know. I told him we could still be friends because he’s really important to me but that I will need some time and he agreed. And then we just laid there like that talking about our lives until like 5 am until we split up and fell asleep.

This all happened last night. We got coffee in the morning and he took me back to my car. I told him “Give me a week. I’ll get over you.” He laughed. We hugged and said I love you (we said this all the time in a friendly way before I told him how I felt).

At the time I felt confident about that statement but now I’m not so sure. I’m feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. I’ve had crushes on straight/questioning guys before but they have never gone this far. Idk if we can just go back to being friends but I’m scared of losing him. To make matters worse, I learned that him and his “homegirl” are in love with each other but too scared to date for fear of jeporadizing their friendship. And she’s engaged to another man. It’s a wild and messy situation but I feel like if I stick around I will just end up in her shoes or worse because this man clearly does not know how to set healthy boundaries in his relationships with people. And I guess I don’t either. I don’t want to lose him but idk what to do. I don’t know if I can just be friends with him because he’s such a flirty person and I’m going to want that to be more than what it is.