I hope I get to stick to my decision. What did you do to totally end things and call it quits?

I didn't want to leave. I wanted to fight for us some more. I wanted to be with him no matter how bad it is because I don't want him to be alone and lonely like I am. I didn't want him to experience what I went through. I wanted to love him the way I wanted to be loved.

I love him so much and maybe obsessed too. He became my world. My FP (I have BPD). I'm doing therapy. He doesn't and he doesn't believe in it. Aside from being a pwBD, I have a guess that he's also a narcissist (Not clinically diagnosed)

I asked about all of these before we started dating and he denied. As time progressed, they all showed up.

This is my first relationship. I was very idealistic. I did not commit to anyone prior to this. I'm telling myself that I didn't need anyone, I'm a strong independent woman, I wasn't born in a wealthy family, I worked hard from the ground up. I established myself and like some of us probably it also led to your clinically diagnosed depression.

I was so lost after a decade of being a career woman, then I got diagnosed with borderline ovarian cancer, I wanted to have a child and that decreases my ability to bear a child. I lost one of my ovaries. Then my father passed away, the person that I've been trying to please and get acknowledgement from, it was a disaster. I shut down.

I've been wanting to unalive myself since I was a teenager but here I am, still alive. I tried a few times without anyone knowing, but when I'm there at that moment, it's like God is asking me if this is really what I want, and my answer was "I just want to be happy" and I think this happened 5 times in this lifetime.

I wasn't looking when I met him. I wasn't comfortable. My body is telling me danger but I still pushed it through because I was telling myself it's probably my fear of the unknown. I learned to trust and love him. I learned to put my walls down and trust him.

He asked me to sacrifice for him in the early stage of the relationship. I was confused why someone that claims to love me is asking me to sacrifice myself, love isn't like that. But I did.

I hit rock bottom financially speaking because of my decision to trust. I hit rock bottom emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, when he left me hanging because time was tough. He cheated on me. He hits me. He calls me names. And then love bomb me after. Then gaslight me. Make me believe that he loves me. Then blame me for things. I cannot express any vulnerability anymore. I cannot even share my thoughts or how I'm doing because it doesn't matter. He expects me to accept and just follow. All aspects of our lives were disaster. It was probably a trauma bond.

I got hurt I cried I wanted to take revenge Until I no longer even have energy to take revenge I got so exhausted I did the best I could. I'm tired of not being heard. I'm tired of fighting. I just let it go. I didn't have any desire to fight anymore. I started to hate myself because I'm stupid and this is repetitive. I didn't want that.

One day we're talking about marriage Next day he doesn't want to be with me Day after, he wants to move together Day after that, changed priority Then he wants to move to a different state together Then he wants to break up Then he wants a business together Then he loves and wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives Then I'm not worth it and doesn't want anything to do with me

I just want to be loved. Is it too much to ask? I just want to be seen. To be heard. There are 8 billion people in this world wanting a genuine love and here are some people taking this for granted.

I hope we all heal. I hope we all get what we deserve. And I hope we can love ourselves better.

If like me, you are worrying about what will happen to them, know that our God loves them more than we love them. I'm telling this to myself too, trust the process.

And, if you have any other life hacks to expedite the process, please share! 😆

And I don't know, maybe we can be friends too, maybe the person meant for me is also experiencing the same thing I'm experiencing now. Wanna get to know me? 😆 Joke asides, I hope all these suffering are worth it for what is about to come.

Thank you.