I love this man but I wasn't sure how committed he is towards me. It wasn't easy for me to fall in love but I did. In fact, he's the only one that I really committed my whole self into. I let my guards down, I trusted him fully, and blindly. I thought he was mature enough to mean what he said but he wasn't. He asked me to jump with him and take a risk promising me that we can do things together, but when the time was tough, he left me by myself hanging, lost, didn't know what to do, alone, confused. I gave my everything even things that I didn't have. I stretched myself, broke myself, just so I can give what he demands from me. Then he betrayed me. Cheated on me. Verbally and Physically assaulted me. I cried and cried. I lost myself, my confidence, my self esteem.. I didn't walk away. I still gave our relationship a chance. I forgave him. He didn't ask for forgiveness. He claimed that he didn't do anything and that he loves me but my definition of cheating is absurd. I was traumatized and I couldn't recover. He used my weaknesses against me. But I couldn't walk away from him. When he cooks for me and tells me he loves me, I get hurt because I feel like he's lying over and over. It's not real and he just meant to break me all over. I couldn't move on and I cannot forget what he did. I tried to communicate only to be gaslighted. I know I have issues too but I really want these things to be addressed but I don't know how to. I don't trust him, I couldn't. But I trust God. I don't know if this time, the love is real. I couldn't walk away but I'm learning to detach myself from our relationship. I love him and I still want things to work out but I don't want to hear him say words about what he wants for us in the future because I feel like I am being misled into believing that we can have forever when he already broke me over and over. I want to have a future with him but I don't want to disappoint myself when it doesn't happen. To give more context, he was diagnosed with bipolar but doesn't believe in mental health he has an avoidant attachment style and I was diagnosed with borderline with an anxious attachment style. Sometimes, my mind is telling me to get revenge and tear him down, or fuck someone on the side just to get even, but I don't want to have guilt problem after that and to flush my values and faith down the drain just to get even. What do you suggest we do or I do when I can't walk away and really still want to stay?

Thank you 🙏🏻