A little backstory: I (28f) have known my SO (30m) since I was 16yrs old. And we became infatuated with each other right from the start. I was the typical high school “in love” with him and he was the bad boy that I never thought would give me the time of day. So I became his best friend instead. To this day, our friendship is the most honest and warm thing in my life.

I didn’t know it, but he had actually asked for my dad’s permission to date me when I was 16 and he was 18 and my dad said “hell no, wait until she is 18”. By the time I was 18, I was in a relationship, the guy followed me to my dream college, so he and I ended up dating for about 5 years. He made me go no contact with my now SO for obvious reasons.

One day I woke up and decided I was unhappy, and that’s not the life I wanted to live anymore. Broke up with the dude that day, realized we had concert tickets for the next day, prayed to whoever listens that now SO still had the same number. He did, he went to the concert with me, and since 2017 we have been inseparable

We live together now. We both live with my dad who needed help taking care of the dog (husky) during covid because she was getting crated for an almost abusive amount of time. My job was remote so it didn’t matter, and SO was out of work. So we moved and he got a job instantly, all was good.

I knew about the BP. I knew about the constant depression. His doesnt come and go in waves or phases, it’s like he lives in a constant state of mania and depression and they’re constantly fighting for dominance. What I did not know was that he was unmedicated and instead, self medicating with weed. He doesn’t even do therapy which blows my mind. I will not pretend I know a whole lot but I went to school for psych and had a bunch of textbooks that I was able to break out and read again to get a sense of why he made certain decisions or why he acts the way he does in a certain moment. He also has ADHD and Anxiety. 😥 òIf I had known that it doesn’t matter how many textbooks you read, nothing compares to being in it, I truly don’t know if I would choose this again.

He eventually lost his job, blamed me for it and I can tell he resents me for it but I also see him internally fighting those thoughts. He is VERY self aware of his mania and depression. He even tries to warn when he can feel something is about to go down, or he senses his fuse is shorter than normal, but once that fuse sparks he is a different person and truthfully that person scares the shit out of me. There is absolutely no sex life, which sucks because I lean more towards physical touch and intimacy as confirmation of how he feels and he thinks him being here and not killing himself is more than enough proof of his affection.

I noticed recently I started standing up for myself less, and started lowering my head more and that’s not me. He sees it too. He has never put a hand on me but every time he lashes out I prepare myself for blows and I don’t know why. I’m in therapy but I’m afraid to talk about those fears because I’m afraid she’s just going to tell me to leave and even if I wanted to, I could never. I used to never cry, now it’s weird if I can go a couple days with out tears.

I guess I’m asking if I’ll ever be able to stand my ground again? Will I ever feel like I’m that strong woman I once was? Or has his illness gotten the best of me too. He used to always tell me “don’t let me change you, stay true to you. I’m a cancer but I know one day I’ll be worth it”

I think he’s already worth it, but now idk if I am

For more info, we are not married, no kids but we do have some things that are joint owned and we both love each other too much to consider splitting, I’m just so tired of feeling alone. And I’m scared one day he’s just going to change his mind and I sat here waiting for him for 5 years with nothing to show for it

Having this space to have a voice that is heard is so nice. Thank you all