My partner of a year is going through an episode of pushing me away again. She found a cute guy at work and is dating him. Didn't tell him about me in initial conversation. Just a week ago we were talking about living together. Even today we were talking about it even if she was still dating this guy. It's been a real shit show since about 6pm last night. We had an awesome day. I came down and took her to her first college class after she been diagnosed and worked so hard to get financial aid back. After class we grabbed her 2.5 yr old and got lunch. Things were good and that's when the aforementioned moving in was talked about. Got pizza and went to the park. Had some discussion and I thought had decided we'd date yet while she figured out things with this guy. I really think this guy is a big effort at self sabotage. I know she is very scared of how open she is with me, and she has a lot of trauma from those who say they love her but their actions show different. Had a great time with her and her son. Playing and enjoying a splash pad. There were many smiles and for a short time I saw what's been and what can be. We drove about and had some ice cream. Then we kept talking and she kept grabbing reasons to break up and just wouldn't let go of any little thing to push me away. She flip flopped as we talked. Goes from scared to hurt me. To feel like you're buying my love, I have helped her as she needed and I have the ability. It got late and I knew I should go. It was getting too emotional and tense. Last thing I asked her as we stood face to face is to tell me she loved me just as a friend. There was a long pause and a tell on her face then a half hearted no and the smile that melts my heart every time. She still loves me as her partner she just scared to go farther again. It hurts really fucking bad and I may lose her to this fucking illness. I just won't give up on her yet. I'm open to support, advice, commiseration. I know it's long thank you if you made it this far.

Edit: I have this on my regular account as I don't want to hide anything from her and I want her to have every opportunity to respond if she wants.