Background:

My ex (call her M) were both diagnosed BpD 2 some years ago. She was diagnosed first, then me. We knew each other from the early 90's and consequently have about 30 years of history. Many things happened, I moved away for work, she got married to another guy and moved as well. While we did keep in touch a little I finally cut all ties and tried to move on, occasionally dating and an LTR.

I flipped out with BpD2 and was in pain. One Autumn a shadow fell over my heart. Something was wrong with M and I knew it. Finally in Jan. I called one of her brothers who let me know she was divorced and had been beat up by a guy she had been dating. I contacted her and I immediately got a plane ticket to see what was up. She was a mess of course the bad marriage and the POS guy she was dating.

So I got her out of there and moved her to my city. She was in a series of BpD episodes, drinking hard (as I was at the time), and a total wreck. So we started living together but we both kept drinking and while I got us insurance to deal with the BpD which I took advantage of but she didn't. This was during the Bush recession and market crash so I had some work but she couldn't find work. But we had some good times and did care about each other so got married in a year.

Things don't get better though. After a few years I mostly cleaned my self up and kept up with treatment but she was still a mess. I spent a lot of time "talking her off of the ledge" over 10 years. It exhausted me. My mom also had a stroke and so I was trying to help both of them at the same time while holding down a job so we had insurance.

I finally stopped caring.

After I got laid off in 2017 I finally had enough. I took some temp jobs to help pay the mortgage and she finally found a albeit temp, professional job. I didn't care anymore. So about a year later I filed for a divorce, we sold the house, and because of past history, which included fighting; her slapping me, punching me, and threatening me with a knife, and me saying horrid things; we both despised each other.

On Monday I was talking to a mutual friend who she keeps up with and he said she started dating a guy who eventually beat her up. She is right back to where she was about 14 years ago. My first impulse was to find her and rescue her. But I can't You can't save someone who has resisted your attempts to help treated you poorly. It would be a disaster. But The feelings came back and they are bothering me. I can't keep doing this. I must go forward. I stopped drinking and feel better because of it. Somethings career wise are working out and I no longer have the distraction of a relationship and can focus on my goals now.

I didn't post this for advice I just wanted to vent a little and lighten my load. I know I'm doing the right thing but it still feels bad.