I've been trying hard lately to stay on top of things in my house. Ignore the optics of my homelife when I say this, but my wife lives upstairs, cleans, cooks, takes care of 12 of our 13 cats (yay I am capable of 1). Meanwhile, on my floor, I sometimes vacuum my hall by the stairs to trick her into thinking I vacuumed like a 6 year old not doing his chores, I rarely ever cook and just have frozen foods despite buying food to cook and barely knowing how to cook. I first starting to get a little okay at it last year (I'm 41, people).

The only reason I even eat regularly is for the sake of lithium nausea.

I generally shower every other day, often longer - though the strange thing here is that I'll make time to shave my legs in the sink everyday despite it taking me over half an hour... its a thing I started doing that makes me feel good about myself so maybe that's why - but doing the other things would feel good too.

I try to keep up with it all, when I finally do cook I enjoy the food much more, it's nice when its freshly vacuumed, and its best when I finally wipe all the god damned dust from everything (yay living off dirt roads).

So I'm just confused about how this happens. I'm bipolar 1, but rarely ever end up in a depressive episode; I heavily lean manic and can be easily triggered. To anecdotal filled me, that behavior sounds more like when you're depressed - but either I can't properly feel the depression, or that ain't it. The biggest issue with this all, too, is that while I work from home as a programmer, some days I just sit there flicking the mouse so my work machine doesn't idle while I, for some reason, can't bring myself to work. Like it feels like a literal block in my chest when I look at my code and I think "okay, let's come back to it in a little bit and try again." Untili, at the worst, I just did shit for 5 days.

What is it about our disorder that makes this a thing? I have talked to my current psych and psych before about it which we've boiled it down as "focus issues" but I haven't gotten pretty much any solution for it.