So I’ve not been sleeping super well. I’m also super tired, and have started hearing voices again. I’m really stressed and have horrible head aches. I feel so anxious. I miss drinking coffee and getting black out drunk. I miss driving fast. I miss having horrible unenjoyable sex. I miss staying up all night wide awake. I miss feeling sexy and sassy. I miss feeling alive.

And quite frankly I just wanna ditch the pills and drink a shit ton of coffee and induce a manic episode so insane I’ll be given a fucking elephant tranquilizer.

Any advice ASIDE from “don’t ditch your meds”? I’m so sick of hearing from people that it’s better to be healthy. OF COURSE I KNOW ITS BETTER! I know not to ditch my meds. I know it’s supposedly better to live like a zombie than have the kind of insane fun I used to have.

I just wanna scream and cry and rob a store and get fucked silly and blast my music while I speed through town at 3 am.

I wanna feel alive again. And I haven’t felt alive in over a year. Not since I “got stable” despite the fact I’ve been psychotic for a good 5-10% of this year so far.

Hearing voices doesn’t equate to feeling manic.