I can't keep doing this. For two years I've done everything to get a handle on this disorder. I quit drinking, I changed my sleep schedule, I work out 5 days a week, I don't put myself under undue stress. I don't drink much caffeine anymore. I'm on meds and in therapy once a week, and I do ketamine infusions once a month. I've surrounded myself with supportive people.

But it never ever stops. This year I've had two manic episodes, two depressive episodes, and half a dozen bouts of hypomania. I've been inpatient and done outpatient group therapy this year. I've had to take a lot of time off work. I can't keep my shit together no matter how hard I try. I am always doing my best, always trying my hardest, and it isn't enough.

I have a ketamine infusion tomorrow and I'm trying so hard to just make it until then. But twice in the past week I've made plans to kill myself. I know that's as good a reason as any to check myself in, but inpatient doesn't do shit for me except keeping myself from dying for a few days. My doctor considers the hospital the last resort, and I don't want to be hasty and regret it. I really can't take more time off work. But I also can't work like this. Life just seems so impossible right now.