I just started a job on a night shift. The schedule is brutal. 7PM-7AM 7 days a week. That's 84 hours. For the next 3-6 months.

My family had a collective coniption when I told them I'm doing this. I ignored them, but also didn't. I spoke with my therapist and provider. We made changes to my med schedule.

Tonight is night 6. I've been averaging 4 hours of sleep a day. I normally need 8 to function. The last 2-3 days I've been getting up wide awake and doing my job. I'm irritated. Talking with no filter. OCD. Skin crawling. Impulsive shopping. Horny AF. I have to literally coach myself out loud to drive the speed limit. I just finished praying. I only do that when I'm elevated.

I'm still in control. Mostly. For now. If I lose control and start showing psychotic symptoms that's it. Game over.

Maybe I shouldn't have taken this job. I may have taken for granted how fragile I really am as a creature. But I can't stop now. My position is in high demand and it will hurt my reputation if I throw in the towel.

If I tell my spouse what's going on they will freak out. Obviously I'm going to talk to my therapist next week, but how the fuck am I going to do this for months?