right know I feel as though I'm feeling too much. the full spectrum of every unpleasant human emotion is coursing through me. fear, anxiety, sadness, trepidation, shame, guilt, anger, disappointment, regret, anguish, frustration and so much more. I feel sick. I wish I was numb and couldn't feel a thing. these last 6 years I have constantly been treading water and I my energy is running out. everyone is up ahead, swimming and surfing through life but I am stuck going nowhere with my head often underwater gasping for air. I know how to swim, I've done it before but my mind won't let me. my brain doesn't work like it should, it's not trying to preserve life it's self destructing. imploding with me as it's hostage. the times I've wishes for death are too many to count, it's an everlasting thought. ceaseless. nothing makes me happy or brings me joy. it's no way to live. I just don't know how to do this life thing. I'm at the end of my tether. there's not one person or thing that can make me feel better and that is so soul crushing. I'm not trying to devalue my community or support system but this is what this disease has robbed me of. I rarely see the point of anything. I know I sound ungrateful because I'm loved, thought of and regarded but that doesn't change or impact my brain chemistry.