Howdy

I have basically never had a super healthy relationship with food, and have dabbled in all of the eating disorders since my teens. I was very thin in college and my early twenties as a vegan anorexic masked as a distance runner, then became a bulimic omnivore, which has plagued me on and off for the past decade.

I am fit. I lift weights 4-5x per week for the past 7-8 years and I truly love the way being strong makes me feel. I adopted the traditional bodybuilding/macro counting way of eating and while I helped me build muscle and eat an appropriate amount of calories, it became a bandaid, and as time goes on I find myself feeling trapped by restriction and turning to binging, as as a consequence I am gaining weight.

I just can’t do the 5-6 meal per day rodeo anymore. High carbs, low fat, chicken breast, rice - I can’t. I feel like I am constantly watching the clock waiting for my next meal and white knuckling through cravings. I can stick to my meal plan when my schedule is normal and can stick to my routine but meals out or socializing just pushes me into fuck it mode and it’s getting so tiring to constantly have to undo these massive binges. I don’t even crave unhealthy food really, but something about knowing I am “breaking the rules” and going over my macros just makes me want to self sabotage and eat things I wouldn’t want otherwise.

However I have this fear that eating in some other style will cause me to gain weight or lose muscle or affect my performance.

I want to prioritize satiety and weight maintenance.

Has anyone experienced something similar and shifted their diet to higher fat, moderate carb and felt better overall? Has your athletic performance changed? I’m not suggesting keto or anything just - I can’t eat any more egg whites 🤮 and I want to feel full for more than 2-3 hours