I was anorexic in my late teen years(for about maybe a year & 6 months). I think within that time, I really developed a desire to over eat. I somewhat remember being a little greedy when I was a younger child, but I don't remember well enough to determine if I had a problem.

Idk if I fully got over my anorexia, because there are times when I eat very healthy small portions & gain joy thinking about any weight I might be losing when I feel a little hungry. But if I am suffering from anorexia still, it is no where near as bad as it was when I was a teen.

I'm 28 now. I work full time & go to school. I spend a lot of time around other people. I realized today, a lot of the time when I eat, the goal isn't to enjoy the food, but finish it. So, a lot of the time at work or school I might buy snacks & I enter this sort of crazed state. Like I'm stuffing my face & chewing vigorously trying to finish the food. & it's awkward when someone tries to talk to me while I'm in this crazed state. It's made worse by the fact that i'm at work & I want to finish it quickly.

I realized I don't see other people act like this when they eat. Other people are more relaxed & can balance talking/eating and working at the same time.

Sometimes I just go to my car to eat during my one of my breaks if I'm going to binge something. But honestly, sometimes I'm not even binging. I just have such an eff'ed up relationship with food, that even when I'm not binging, I still enter this somewhat crazed state where I'm like in the zone having to finish any food I'm eating.

I realize now I have a problem. I want to try to get this under control because I feel kinda bad for myself now. Like, idk if any of the stuff I hear about people binge eating to compensate for other areas in their lives, they don't feel fulfilled. Because if that's the case I may be doing this because I'm lonely. Idk, like at work I see people hanging out with their friends during break, while my main goal is just to stuff my face during my break. Same thing when I come home, most people probably come home & talk/hang out with their family and/or friends, but me I just come home & binge eat.

Growing up I didn't have friends & spent a lot of time alone, so I could binge eat in peace without feeling judged(at the time i didn't even think that what I was doing was something I would consider a problem & be subconscious about in the future). But now that I'm an adult & I'm trying hard to be productive & uphold my life, i spend most of my day surrounded by people & I can't binge eat without someone seeing me. I'm worried that people have seen me binge eating & judged me.

P.s

On a positive note, I brought a whole bunch of candy tonight I planned on binging over the next couple days but I threw it all out. Baby steps.