Hello, I'm a 25-year-old (AMAB), and I've been wrestling with a sense of confusion about my identity. Recently, I've begun confronting thoughts about my gender that I used to ignore/hide. Starting in 4th grade and carrying on through high school, I would sneak and try wearing my mom and sisters' clothes and occasionally dabbled in makeup when I was home alone. My earliest memory is being caught in my sister's yellow princess dress at the age of 6 (I was literally caught in my sisters closet).

While I found enjoyment in dressing up, there was always a wish to appear more feminine when doing so. I would, and still do, occasionally delve into transformation/feminization stories and have explored various trans and crossdressing subreddits since discovering Reddit. The dressing phase came to a halt when I started college and lost easy access to clothes and makeup. These days, I present myself as a fairly masculine guy, complete with a beard, lots of body hair, and a body built like a linebacker from my football days. Although being perceived and treated as a guy doesn't bother me, there's a part of me that wishes I could switch genders at will for fun.

The idea of publicly crossdressing or transitioning is daunting due to fears of losing friends and family, potential judgment, safety concerns, and the uncertainty of being content with my appearance. Especially when I’m good with presenting, being viewed, and being treated as a guy.

In addition to questioning my gender, I've also been navigating my sexuality. I'm curious about my attraction to cis men, particularly those who present as masculine. I wonder if this attraction is linked to my desire to be feminine at times and if male attention reinforces that feeling. I also could just be bisexual and haven’t come to terms with/explored that at all in which case I feel like maybe this could be a good place to start.

Despite the uncertainties, I recognize that toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia, influenced by a conservative upbringing and sports culture, have played a significant role in my life. I'm reaching out for advice, connections, or shared experiences with those who can relate and maybe even explore my sexuality with someone patient and kind. My DM’s are open and I’m looking forward to meeting some new people!