Sorry for the word vomit.

I've had crushes on women since middle school. Watched The L Word in high school while it was airing and just about every lesbian movie I could find at that point. Had a BIG crush on a close female friend (she didn't like me). Some other girls I liked and tried to pursue weren't interested in me. Others that hit on me or asked me out, I didn't like and didn't pursue. Made queer (mostly bi/lesbian) friends in college some of which became my best friends. I've been to queer clubs, events, parties, Pride (none of that in a while). But I've only made out with one woman. Self-esteem issues really kept me from better exploring my sexuality during those years.

I've had casual sexual relationships with a few guys. Those guys were friends or became my friends and I liked the time we spent together. I know I'm sexually attracted to men (very much so) and really enjoy sex with them.

But I can't help but question my attraction to women. I feel certain I am or am capable of being romantically attracted to them. But I wonder - am I sexually attracted to women? How much does sexual attraction matter exactly? What exactly does it or should it mean to be sexually attracted to women? Would I have to enjoy performing oral sex? How much do I have to like vaginas? How long will that sexual attraction last? Aside from during steamy lesbian sex scenes in movies/TV and the thought of 2 people that I've liked (in which case I get a very strong desire to have sex with them!), vaginas mostly gross me out. My sexual attraction to men is so clear and undeniable to me (romantic attraction to men - not as much). But it's not very clear with women. What does this mean? I guess I can't know until I've been with one or more but with the pandemic complicating dating, I feel like the answers to these questions that I really want to know just get more and more pushed away. I'm confused and frustrated (sexually too). It sucks.

How many of you can relate? What are your questions for yourselves? Did you have moments or experiences that really solidified attraction or lack thereof for you?

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*EDITED my language.