So if I have always had those small first crushes on men, too.... and I do sometimes feel sexual passion? And I have fallen in love with men as people and for the way they laugh or smile or the way light hits their hair.... But i feel all of that but more intense, plus a lot of romantic feelings for women that I never have had and cannot understand what it would be like to have for any man.... Am I bi?

This may sound like a stupid question, but does that even exist, feeling actual head over held romance towards a man, the same way one would towards a woman? I've realized when I write stories, I switch to the man's pov whenever there's descriptions of physical attraction of falling in love, and if it's from the woman's side, all I can write about are the emotions and the technical stuff and how it feels to fall in love, not exactly what she's seeing in her eyes?

Because women are beautiful. And men... can be cute? There are some pretty cute men with 👌👌 jawlines or furrowed brow expressions. And I've fallen for the souls and the curious minds as other people. I have had crushes on friends. I've felt embarrassment over liking one. And I have a preference for looks and body types that I find more attractive than others, but i wouldn't call it romance in the way women... and, like grace?? Thick and thin..curves? Hair... handsss. They dont even need to be my type, i am primed to notice they exist from the core of my being, and it's so different.

Not with the same level of tension that I feel by another member of the same gender that's remotely close to compatible with me, when they're remotely close to me. Men are cute, and I've been socially primed to notice them, but it doesn't make me aware of my whole being, being around them.

I don't know. I suppose women are probably more objectively beautiful? I don't know, but if I am not, then i cannot be content inside and hide from the world.... and it's going to be a really big battle with my family. One I'm not sure if I'd be better off feigning being asexual, or running away and changing my name. One is traditional and getting worse, and the other is catholic.