Hello I'm new to posting in general so sorry for some of the awkwardness in this post. I think i just need somewhere to vent while also remaining anonymous.

I recently over the past year discovered that im bisexual at the age of 26. Late bloomer...ik. I had wondered if I was attracted to women since high school but just figured that maybe I just liked the idea. I also don't develop crushes very easily and while I appreciate people aesthetically all the time, I have a hard time being attracted to people beyond that in general.

In the last year and a half however, I've met this girl. Found her very attractive off the bat but wasn't sure in what way until we started to get to know each other more and became more friendly. I don't wanna give too much context bc I get paranoid but we've since become close friends and are now roommates. For a while I (stupidly) mistakenly assumed that she perhaps liked girls as well. She has an androgynous appearance, both with the way she dresses, her mannerisms, presents herself, etc...(for context many ppl that know her also assumed the same so I'm def not the only one) but learned about halfway through our friendship so far that she's "mostly straight."

I did eventually come clean to her a couple weeks ago, after a few months of living together because we had been spending so much time with each other and getting even closer (besides sexual intimacy lol). She started to become really important to me so i was scared that telling her might weird her out but I felt like I needed to in order to move on. I knew she didn't like me like that logically but emotionally I was having a hard time letting go of that hope. I tried to tell her in a way that she wouldn't feel any pressure. She reciprocated that she didnt want to compromise our friendship. I also have asked her multiple times since if she's ever uncomfortable with me now and she assures me she's not. So we're still close and get along just fine and are goofy and silly and even still affectionate platonically. And yet I feel utterly like shit lately.

I guess what im going through is heartbreak right now. I've made attempts to date outside of this and look elsewhere and keep my mind off her. but I'm having a hard time with it and also just don't feel right about using that method since since 1) I feel like I'm using ppl and 2) none of them look or act or are HER lmfaoo.. I feel crazy, ashamed, undesirable and pathetic. I know I should just accept it and enjoy my close friendship with her but it's been so hard on me emotionally, even though I know I'm important to her as well. I see people say that maybe distancing yourself may work but that's kind of impossible for me right now since we live together and I just enjoy my time too much when I'm with her.. I dislike the idea of doing that 😭🤣 Lately I've been trying to focus that care I have for her into being a good supportive person in her life but it's still hard for me to not feel overcome by pain and sadness as well.

I'm not sure what else to say. I just wonder if others have any similar experiences to mine, especially in the emotional sense. I find myself crying more often and being more insecure about myself and frustrated. I don't think I've ever liked someone in this way before, man or woman so I'm not entirely sure if I'm being unreasonable or weird about it.

Thank you if you read this