24F. I’ve been confused about my sexuality since age 11. Grew up in a religious homophobic environment but started noticing girls and having crushes on them in middle school. I also remember feeling traumatized the first time I saw a dick in a porn video lol and literally could not look at them at all until 18. I had to desensitize myself over time. But eventually I got over it (mostly), started healing from my religious trauma, and have had relationships sexual experiences with men and one woman since age 20.

But I’m starting to notice that I’m very guarded with men and get easily turned off during emotionally or sexually intimate moments. Like I can get super turned on and thoroughly enjoy being sexual with a good male partner, but when I see them from certain angles (like on top of me), or if the lights are on, or if they say something a certain way, I just feel this deep sense of panic? something being off? It’s like they suddenly look creepy and predatory to me. I also have never been able to bring myself to look at or touch a guy’s dick under his clothes. The idea of oral kinda freaks me out too :/

Could this be a trauma/avoidance thing? I have a fearful avoidant attachment style and trauma from both parents. As well as a somewhat traumatic experience with my first boyfriend. I’ve been working on all of this in therapy for a year but doing a lot of reflecting lately. thinking back on my relationship with a girl, I never had the feelings of panic or not wanting to see her from certain angles. Even though she wasn’t my exact type physically, I thought she was the most beautiful person in the world. My entire body literally tingled for 20 minutes the first time she held my hand lol.

Then I think about my relationships with guys and I just don’t think Ive ever had that level of intense feeling/attraction to them. Maybe I tend to date dudes I’m not actually that into physically. But I find that even if I’m really attracted to a guy at first, once we’re intimate or I see them at an unflattering angle, I start to lose attraction. Or I start thinking about what if they lose their hair, get a bad haircut, gain weight, etc. Its so incredibly shallow but thats how my brain works. Vs I don’t think any of those things would make me lose feelings for a girl I was into.