When I was younger I was super happy just being a teen and doing it with my friend often. I never actually dated women. But all of my LGBT friends basically treated me like shit, typical biphobia, I got called “half gay” and a few other things. I basically gave up that side of me and said “welp screw it I don’t wanna be bi or part of this group.” Since I really was only dating men I was just like “oh well” except for the small issue of still wanting to do it with other women. On occasion I’d try to look for a girl to hang out with and such… but nothing ever worked out. Other women are next to impossible to talk to on tinder, or they aren’t my type so I have even less options or worse they have a crusty ass boyfriend that insists he has to watch or participate.

Recently, I’m like yearning for the days where I would mess around with my ex “straight”(idk not my sexuality to debate not our business to discuss her sexuality that’s her own issue) bestie and there was no issues with it, no drama in regards to that. The rest of our friendship was a mess but that part was decent.

I go back on tinder and have the same issues, again, and again, and again. And then the added issue of not wanting to be making the women who want relationships like upset because that would suck like a lot. I don’t wanna hurt anyone or waste anyone’s time. I’m just living this hell hole thats “I’m bisexual but not biromantic” as well as “I don’t relate to anyone on this god forsaken app,” with a little “why is she being so freaking weird and texting like a man/brain dead possum.” THEN it’s not like I can write my intentions on my profile because men have matched with me and can see it… I don’t want them all up in that business trying to use me and some poor innocent soul for a three-way.

And honestly, I’ve just accepted that I’ll never find a sapphic bestie that we can just have a great time, share some toys, and be able to do our thing. I don’t even care if we are both in relationships and our partners consent to it. However the likelihood of even finding somebody who I get along well with, find attractive, and even wants to do it with is like so low I am just like giving up. Also 95% of people smoke weed and like make it their personality and I have PTSD with it and I can’t handle the smell without issues and I get drug tested at work/could lose my job being around people who do it so I just don’t prefer to be around people who do it. Which I will still match with somebody if they sometimes do it as long as it’s not in their pics or their bio because then I know it’s like often. I’ll give them a chance so that if they don’t do it often or respect my boundaries and only do it when they don’t plan on seeing me then that’s all fine and dandy.

Being bisexual is just a horny curse at this rate for me. I know I’m well past “it’s just a phase” or “I only kiss girls when I’m drunk” or “I’ll do it with a girl for a man.” Like it’s none of those things it’s been over 20 years since I’ve known I was into women. I was 13 letting my so called straight friend experiment with me and then I had two other girls I messed around with (one once and the other a few times and I let her strap me like two or three years ago now because her bf wouldn’t let her peg him doggy and I was sexually frustrated so fuck it we ball..) so yeah I know it’s not that bullshit biphobia experimental crap. I want to have a solid friendship with her, cuddle and feel her soft skin, and fuck her just me myself and I. No dude, no need to be drunk, no weird ass boyfriend watching.

But also it’s been so long since I’ve been with a woman I am fucking terrified. Not being biromantic also makes me feel like a piece of garbage towards other bi women like I’m making you all look bad. It sucks, and this is why I’ll just sit in my closet and die never fucking a cute girl again. Okay thanks for listening to my rant and sexual frustration. 😬