This might be a long one, but I feel like it's an experience worth sharing. The title is your tl:dr.

When it comes to relationships, regardless of my partner's gender, I've always been the big spoon in the relationship. I'm rather tall, pretty masc, and tend to have more of a dominant personality. I'm the big spoon when we cuddle, my shoulders and lap are always available for a weary head to rest, I like pampering and spoiling my partner, taking care of them and comforting them. Don't get me wrong, this isn't me complaining about this role I've found myself in. It's how I've always been, even when I was a kid I was always the "parent" of the group.

Conversely, being on the other side of things is a rarity for me. It's the kind of thing that I'm almost physically incapable of asking for and feel very uncomfortable the few times in the past where I found myself as the little spoon. I know the why of it and it's not information that any of you need to be subjected to; suffice it to say that some time ago I was trapped in a horrible relationship with a man who made me terrified to say I wanted/needed anything or wasn't totally happy. That's long over now, but some habits are hard to break out of.

Last night I was in bed with my girlfriend. She turned off the lights and climbed into bed next to me, and as we always do we went to cuddle. With the lights off we didn't exactly like ourselves up right and so my face ended up against her chest when usually it'd be the other way around. I joking said I could get used to this, and then she wrapped her arms around me and started stroking my hair. I couldn't really explain what I was feeling in that moment, part of it was discomfort and wanting to push away but at the same time craving the feeling of safety and comfort more and more.

She must've known something was up because she started telling me that it's okay, that I'm safe, that she's here for me, and.. fuck me, I cried. Like shoulders shaking ugly crying. For the record crying in front of someone is something I don't do, whether I like it or not my brain will not allow it to happen. Fuck, even the therapist I credit with literally saving my life didn't see me cry until over a year of sessions. So me breaking down like that was a strange and uncomfortable experience for me, and definitely a new experience for my girlfriend. She constantly tells me how much she loves having a big butch girlfriend around and I kinda pride myself on being that big, strong, reliable butch for her, so in the back of my head I felt so much shame and embarrassment for letting her see me in that state. But all the while she never stopped holding me, never stopped stroking my hair, never stopped reassuring me. I'd never experienced that kind of care, that kind of safety and comfort, and I never realised how much I needed it.

Words aren't my strong suit so while I'd love to eloquently deliver some message about letting people take care of you or something.. that ain't happening. Really I just hope that in sharing this experience maybe others will recognise a bit of themselves or someone they know in it, and know it's okay to ask for/offer that hug someone may not even know they need today. If you made it through all that spiel, thanks for reading 🤍