Growing up sheltered meant not knowing certain things were even a possibility. I never considered myself attracted to men, still not sure if I am. But now that I look back...

I remember a friend bought me a pair of women's skinny jeans in college as a joke. But when I put them on and looked at myself in the mirror, I really enjoyed the way I looked in them. And instead of a zipper, I liked fidgeting with the buttons..

Or how I lived on campus as a 3rd year student in the "adult" dorms. As part of an inclusivity program, even a few professors lived there too. I was walking back from class one afternoon when I was stopped by the professor from India that lived in our building. He asked how school was going, and mentioned how bored he was living at the school all by himself -- he asked if I liked to play Chess, and invited me to his apartment to play someday.

I told my girlfriend at the time about it, because I had been feeling isolated at school and was happy to maybe have made a new friend. She said I was naïve about what he was really intending. Deep down I realize now that I reveled at the attention, and would have gone anyway, even if she was right.

But now I'm older, tired, and masculine - nowhere near the same aesthetic. But still fantasizing about older masculine men taking the same kind interest in me.