I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/throwaway-1159 3 years ago on r/legaladvice.

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My neighbor falsely believes my disabled BIL was being creepy and I want to protect him [Sept 21 2018]

https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9hm58g/my_neighbor_falsely_believes_my_disabled_bil_was/

This all just happened today, and I haven’t had great luck googling, so I’m posting here to help myself and my husband calm down.

My BIL is physically and intellectually disabled, almost completely nonverbal, and lives with my husband and I. Our apartment complex has a small courtyard with some flower beds and a playground. My BIL’s favorite thing to do after work is sit in the courtyard. He doesn’t pay much attention to the kids on the playground (or anybody else in the complex)—he'll say hi if they do, but that’s it, he’s not chatty—but he really likes the flower beds. He takes a bunch of pictures on his phone of them almost every day (we have an evening routine that includes picking one or two and deleting the rest so his phone can keep any storage space, lol).

Today when I went out to get him to tell him dinner was ready, and a woman I’ve seen around but never met before came over to me. She asked me if/how I knew my BIL, and when I answered, she told me he’d been filming her daughters.

I was super taken aback, and said I was almost certain there was a misunderstanding and that he was taking pictures of the flowerbeds/garden, maybe even the trees. If her daughters were in the pictures, it was probably accidental, and I said we could look at his phone together and delete any she didn't want him to keep. She said she'd seen him “filming” her kids before, multiple times, and that as soon as she got home she was calling the police. She told me she only stayed as long as she did to make sure he didn't "try anything" with other kids (?!).

Look: I will be the first to admit my BIL lacks the capacity to make the best social decisions or understand how he comes off to strangers (he doesn’t “look” disabled, and he has definitely accidentally freaked people out before just because he’s very tall and quiet and doesn’t have really any social skills). But I go through his phone most nights (if I don’t, my husband does), and we’d know if he were filming or photographing children on the playground. He isn’t. I tried to explain this to my neighbor but she left. I did go through my BIL’s phone right after, and it was just the usual flower/tree pics. The back of one girl’s head was in one photo, in the corner. I asked him if he meant to take a picture of her and he told me he meant to take a picture of the tree.

I have no idea if this will blow over, or what. My husband is having a lot of anxiety about it, and I won’t lie, I’m kind of stressed too—again, I know my BIL didn’t intend any harm, and I know this woman is almost certainly just a well-meaning mom who didn’t know what my BIL was doing, but I don’t want this to become a “thing.” Are there any steps I should take to ensure my BIL is protected and this all goes smoothly, or should I want to see if anything even happens?

We're in New York state.

(This is my very first time posting, I hope I flaired it okay/included all the necessary information!)

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[Update] My neighbor falsely believes my disabled BIL was being creepy, and I want to protect him. [Oct 19 2018]

https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9pk5ur/update_my_neighbor_falsely_believes_my_disabled/

Hi, all. Sorry for never replying to everybody's really kind, helpful advice -- I'm bad at reddit and really busy right now. I really do appreciate it.

For a few days after my initial post, my husband or I would walk my BIL to his usual spot after work and watch from a distance to make sure he wasn't behaving inappropriately (he might have by accident). Neither of us saw him do anything out of the ordinary; he just sat on the bench, took pictures, and looked around at the trees and flowers. He didn't watch or interact with anybody else, which is about what we expected. He's so, so shy.

Per a lot of advice, I didn't delete any of my BIL's photos for awhile. This pretty quickly got to be unmanageable though, because he takes 50-100 pictures every day, often just the same thing again and again. But we set up a google drive to save them all.

My husband and I also talked to BIL a LOT about what to do/say if he is approached by police. He is not very verbal and very quickly gets flustered and upset in unfamiliar social situations, so we really practiced pulling out his medical alert card and being very "non-threatening" with his body language (my BIL is 6'5" but has physical mannerisms a little bit like a child's, so if you don't know him or why he's behaving the way he is, he can be pretty alarming). To be honest, I'm still nervous about it, but we practiced and talked about it a lot.

As for my neighbor, I saw her again a few times and she ignored me. I considered bringing my BIL to meet her properly, but decided I didn't want to expose him to her freaking out. About a week ago, she approached me and told me she appreciated my "taking control of the situation," but that my BIL's disability was "no excuse." I said "No excuse for what?" and she said "for filming and photographing children." I considered pointing out that it isn't illegal to do that (as you guys did), but that would sound like he IS doing it, so I just told her that she isn't doing that. She threatened to call the cops again but so far nothing's come of it. I'm keeping an eye out. In any case, it's getting colder, and my BIL is spending less time just hanging out. He's also really happy to come with me to doctor's appointments, and I'm currently pregnant, so we've had a lot of those. (My neighbor started saying something about how I'd understand if I was a mother. I'm not showing yet, but I really considered telling her I was pregnant just to shut her up. But that's needlessly combative, lol.)

Thanks again to everyone's kind advice. Husband and I are currently working with BIL on responses he should give if that neighbor/anybody else approaches him while he's nature-photographing.

Oh, and thank you to the person in bestoflegaladvice who suggested a botanical garden -- we've driven to a few different ones now and it's really nice!! Thanks. :)

Relevant Comments on the BoLA thread:

• Commenters suggest OOP's BIL have a medic alert bracelet or card that is easy to see. OOP: So many people have mentioned this! I should have clarified -- his medical alert is on a lanyard with his keys :) He also has a bracelet. You're all so kind to be so concerned! It's really making my day. :)
• Commenters suggest having OOP's BIL interact with the police in some positive ways so that police are less scary to him. OOP: A lot of people have suggested this. I'm going to be honest -- neither my BIL nor my husband have good associations with police. It's a long story but neither of them would be comfortable with us going to a police station and saying "these are safe people you can trust," because in their experience it hasn't been the case. I'm hoping there is time/space for positive experiences as time goes on, but right now it isn't really feasible. Our local police force isn't exactly known for being chill and discrete either.

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UPDATE (Unhappy): My neighbor falsely believes my disabled BIL was being creepy and I want to protect him [Dec 16 2018]

https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/a6stos/update_unhappy_my_neighbor_falsely_believes_my/

To recap: in September, a neighbor accused my mentally and physically disabled brother-in-law, who lives with my husband and I, of photographing and taking videos of her children. I tried to clear up the misunderstanding (he NEVER did this), but was met with mostly hostility. Issue died down in the last month-ish. We are in New York state.

So, I'm a little bit freaked out. My BIL hasn't been sitting outside as much since my last update, because it's gotten colder and because he's been my doctor buddy and we've been busy with holiday stuff and a lot else. Also, the weather here has been abysmal. But we've had a few days where he has sat out, and on those days if he does see the family with the mom who doesn't like him, he always tells me or my husband about it. He saw them this week - Tuesday I think - and told us.

Today, I got a text from my landlord about it. I'm just going to copy paste it all here:

"Hey [husband and I] I just talked to [neighbor] on the 6 floor. She says your brother has been watching/bothering her 2 kids since the summer. She say she talked about it with you and the issue was resolved but its happening again. She says she doesnt want any pictures of her kids. and if it continues she will call police. Tell your brother to leave these kids alone or police will be called. I dont know what's happening but [neighbor] is extremely upset. Let me know if you have questions, merry Christmas."

I haven't replied yet, I got this text about two hours ago. I don't know what to say. My husband is VERY upset, he's really protective of his brother and they have both had very, very bad interactions with police before (long story, when they were younger/in their hometown). I'm just overwhelmed. I really don't want this to become some kind of huge deal but also don't want to ban my BIL from his own yard because of this woman! I want to move forward in a way that will definitely keep my BIL safe legally and personally.

A few things that might be relevant:

-I or my husband look at EVERY SINGLE PHOTO my BIL takes on his phone. This was something we did before all this (because he takes hundreds and we have to delete some) and something we do now. He DOES NOT KNOW how to delete photos (or rather, periodically forgets how), or at least if he does he has hidden this from his family for no reason. If he'd photographed these kids, we'd know.

-He is not fully nonverbal, but I have never, ever heard him talk to a stranger beyond MAYBE a few words, MAYBE. The chances of him talking to these kids or their mother, especially w/o me or my husband there, are beyond tiny.

-My BIL is legally an adult (24 years old), and my husband is his legal guardian and has been since 2012.

The last time I posted you all were incredibly helpful and empathetic. I might be freaking out a little here (BIL and husband are both super anxious and it's catching!), but I really want to protect my BIL. He would NEVER hurt anyone. I know I can never be sure what happens that I don't witness, but I know my BIL. Thank you all in advance for everything.

My biggest question is this: How should I reply to my landlord? What else can I do to protect my BIL? (To reply to a concern lots of people raised last time, my husband and I have talked to my BIL a LOT and practiced how he can respond if he is approached by police, but I still worry and want to avoid it! Especially because he has so much anxiety attached to police officers.)

[Update] (final, I hope): My neighbor falsely believes my brother in law was being creepy and I want to protect him [Jan 1 2019]

https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/abowl9/update_final_i_hope_my_neighbor_falsely_believes/

Here's hoping this is my last one! Thank you again to everyone who has been so, so thoughtful and helpful and made good, kind suggestions even when I was in a total panic. Also, happy New Year!

So, I texted back my landlord explaining as much of the situation as I could, and emphasizing that my brother in law had never photographed the kids and explaining the way the situation with my neighbor had played out. I heard back a couple days later and my landlord's answer was basically "thank you for the update, there's not much I can do with this for either of you."

I also reached out to several friends and friends-of-friends who work in disability advocacy about how to best go about making the local cops aware of who my BIL is and his situation. A friend got me in contact with a woman who advocates for intellectually disabled people in legal situations and she and I have been talking a lot.

We were going to take BIL to meet some officers in our local precinct Saturday, but my BIL got too anxious. I feel really bad about it, because I wasted some people's time and should have known BIL would be too tired to handle it well. We're gonna try to go back weekend after next and hopefully my husband will be able to come.

We've also put a copy of my BIL's medic alert card on the back of his phone in a clear case and practiced how he should show it to people and when.

It's a tough situation but we're faring forward. We're moving in June, so this particular person shouldn't be an issue for too very much longer.

Thank you again, sincerely, to everyone here and in bestoflegaladvice who commented so thoughtfully and compassionately. Happy 2019 to all of you.

Reminder: I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/throwaway-1159 3 years ago on r/legaladvice.