I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Original poster is u/beatchatta. Originally posted 3 years ago on r/relationships.

Light editing for clarity/typos.

Partner [10 years married 3] (38M) wants me (33F) to stop salsa and bachata [Aug 19 2018]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/98iwpp/partner_10_years_married_3_38m_wants_me_33f_to/

Hi r/ relationships

Apologies in advance for terrible spelling and grammar. I posted this to salsa dancing but had to slightly amend for this sub. This is also this is quite long.

I've been married for 3 years and we have a 15 month old. We have been together for over 10 years.

When we dated earlier on and had a big break up when I started salsa and fell in love it. I was quite young then so when we got back together, although he tried a couple of classes with me, he didn't feel the same. I did some more classes off and on but then I eventually stopped going. I thought why would I keep this up if my partner won't even dance the dance with me. At the time I only did the classes and didn't feel confident enough to stay and do social dancing.

Not continuing was always something I regretted. I get really sad when I hear salsa and bachata music as the music transports me to another place and also reminds me I didn't continue to learn the dance.

The first 10 months of having the baby was tough as I just stayed at home, finding it very hard to leave the house and organizing things to bring for the baby if I did take the baby out.

My partner also still continued his social life going out to friends places drinking and coming home late. In essence, although he is a great father, having a baby didn't have a major impact to him as he did to me. There were times when he came home at 3 to 5 am in the morning from drinking at his friends place. I was home with my baby alone on New Years eve as I did not want to bring the baby out late and I knew he would want to stay out. There are many functions I would not go to as I don't like to drive home alone with the baby and know that my partner would not like to leave the event early with us.

My partner did not do anything different and continued his exercise regime even picking up an extra activity. There was one stage were he had something on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday and was about to pick up an extra thing on Wednesday when I finally put my foot down. Tuesday and Thursdays are now my time to do what I want whether it be catch up with friends or an activity.

I was ready to finally do something that was for me again and didn't want to do a gym activity.

I wanted to do salsa primarily again. So I started going. The classes I went to was in a night club. The classes ran both salsa and bachata. My partner did say "I don't know if I feel ok with this" but I said I really want to do this, not the gym. It will make me find me again.

I've started to feel so great again and happy that I've picked up this ''hobby'' . I felt a sense of annoyance that I let myself drop this as I could of been a lot better from the last 4 years if I continued on but I was determined to make up for lost time.

I've only gone to classes for 6 times and the last two classes I started going home later as I began social dancing which was so much fun and I could understand that this was what I did wrong earlier on when I started to dance.

This week I came home just after midnight and my partner was pretty annoyed with me. He asked why I was out so late and I said I was social dancing. The music after the class finished also didn't start so we were waiting around for 20 minutes to get some dancing in.

Two days later, I decided after watching many you tube videos and googling classes in the area that I wanted to pick up some more specific bachata classes to really clean my basics and do it properly. I asked my partner if he would be home from work early enough so I could see if I could do it on the day the class would be held. He was angry that it was bachata and said he thinks I should "calm down a bit". It was a no nonsense - No that is enough discussion close - kind of response in a loud angry tone.

I feel like this is happening again (stopping classes) and I will regret this. I know I will.

I tried to talk to him again later on so that he would understand if I was to drop this - this is a big thing as I just reignited my passion again.

I feel like I am in mourning/grieving. He said why can't it be enough for me when he said 'he wasn't comfortable with this'.

His view is that

• he isn't comfortable with me 'grinding' on other men and
• he won't look after our baby when I'm out doing these dance blocks dancing with strangers.
• he said I've gone from doing classes to doing these big dance sessions.
• he says that he doesn't want to invite things to happen into our lives.
• what is going to happen in two years

I've tried to talk to him and explain that yes while there is maybe some sleazy guys. Primarily everyone just loves dancing and wants to practice.

He said would I be okay if on other foot and I said absolutely. I would be more than happy if he came with me. There are married couples and couples that go separately. and then he justified it by saying "I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about us."

I've also explained that bachata isn't really that close as he thinks it is more knee to knee at this learning stage and perhaps a hair comb which is done in salsa anyway. He got angry again and said that he has seen his friends do it and it is close!

I feel like he has punched me in the gut when he said "I don't know why we stopped dancing before" (when we did try the classes) and now its too hard because we have a baby. We stopped because he didn't like it and it was a chore for him.

I have tried to compromise and said - okay when we are closer to our parents (as we are moving in 8 months) - will he do classes with me then as I would love that he come with me or is this just something to say to appease me for now.

He then said - "If i really want to do it" - (like again it was a chore not because he wanted to). but he doesn't know how he will respond and doesn't think he can handle seeing me dance with another guy. He said what if he was dancing with another girl and I said - yes if it was salsa/bachata setting as oppose to a club, I will be fine with it as it is the dance. He still thinks that we are inviting something sinister into our lives. He said that he is feeling really insecure (which I was pretty surprised he would feel that let alone say that).

I don't know what to do. I just feel like I'm in mourning and I'm making the same mistake again. I said this to him and he said "I told you from the beginning that I wasn't comfortable with this". Basically - its my fault for lighting the flame when he told me he wasn't comfortable with me going .

He is usually so trusting as he is always fine with me going out dancing with my girlfriends until the early morning. His close family member almost cheated on her husband 4 months back and that really floored my husband so i know this may has also made him extra insecure.

I do recognize that a lot of partners would not be comfortable with there partners dancing but that's why I was feeling so great and balanced as I had a trusting husband who let me do something I really loved.

If I was to give us salsa/bachata again I want him to recognize what a big sacrifice this was and not a done deal because he said so. His logic is why am I giving this up for him and not for myself and our family as I am now a wife and mother.

I don't want to be a cliche and say if something was to happen with the relationship in the future, kick myself and know that I didn't continue to dance salsa and bachata for someone.

I guess my question after the long rant (thank you for reading) is - is it fair enough for my husband to ask me me to stop doing salsa and bachata?

Is there a way for me to feel more better about giving it up and being resentful? Not by taking another hobby - but having my husband recognize that this is a big deal.

Thank you Reddit

Just a quick edit to say and in his defense -

He wants me and supports me doing yoga or Pilates - which I use to do but salsa/dancing is what I want. As a new mum I only have time for one manageable activity and this is what I want.

He says he has no issues with the opposite sex and me - its the 'grinding''

I think this is the first time he has objected to me wanting to do something.

TL:DR

In relationship for 13 years , stopped dancing early on for relationship and have always regretted it. Started again after having a baby but husband wants me to stop. Feel like I am in mourning or grieving this part of me as it really gave me back my spark and made me feel like an individual and not a wife or a mother.**

(More context/info - is this allowed?)

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply.

I know this has gone off tangent that there are lots of red flags in my marriage beyond just stopping dancing.

Thank you so much dragontooth (sorry I don't know how to tag properly) for sharing your story. This makes me feel so sad. I'm so sorry to hear that they this strained your relationship with your mom

Another Redditor mentioned that I didn't say I love my baby. I love my baby so much my heart hurts. I wanted to keep the gender neutral to have less identifiers but she is a baby girl.

This is what kills me. I would not want her to be in a relationship with someone like her father. I want more for her.

I genuinely know that my husband loves me and our daughter he just has such an old school mentality which was part of up bringing I guess.

More context obviously but he said "husbands who love there wives would not be comfortable with what I was doing ". I know people will jump up and down and say he is manipulating me with that but I don't think he purposely meant it to come across that way.

I was in a clearly emotional abusive relationship when I was 17-21 so can identify signs even though marriage may be in grey area.

I feel like I have failed my daughter already as how could I be so irresponsible and try to bring her into this world where we are her role models. Growing up I didn't have that in my parents and I really didn't want her to have the same thing.

At the same time I feel like my daughter is what is giving me the strength to have this sorted out. I just feel so sad.

When my husband is out drinking which is not weekly more like in average once every month or two he is with his friends who are actually his cousins and siblings so I guess it is condoned. The is no way he could stray in that environment as there is no one there and it really isn't his nature.

His siblings have kids and they leave as a family but my husband does not. If I were to go to these events I would feel I was forcing him to go.

He cannot see that we are doing is the same thing as he says he is not dancing with strangers and doing big blocks. He thinks BC his gym activities are one hour it's no biggie.

I have been going to salsa with his good friend. He does one of the activities with this guy and he is always over at our place.

Husband is actually not even comfortable with me dancing with our friend. "I feel weird that Pete is/will rubbing all over you".

I told husband right away so you want me to cancel on Pete as I felt bad and would of gone alone to my first re entry to salsa classes.

He has not voiced this concern to his friend Pete though. I have asked Pete if husband said anything at all about my salsa and Pete said not a thing. Pete even asked "he knows I'm going with you right?" (Like Pete was surprised this wouldn't have made it easy/acceptable for husband as in unlikely event anything went down it would of course get back to my husband)

I don't think it helps that Pete is a great salsa dancer but definitely not my type always has stories of a failed romance pursuits in his dancing journeys. We even joked to my husband that I would be his wingwoman.

I have asked all my girlfriends to come but they simply aren't interested. I find it easier to make friends with my male classmates at the moment but am trying to be friends with girls that come alone like me.

When we do couples counseling is it not good idea to go alone first to give background and interrupted and not intimidated and detailed. Husband is hot head and always ends up yelling. I would of been the same pre-baby to a point.

[update] Partner [10 years married 3] (38M) wants me (33F) to stop salsa and bachata [Aug 31 2018]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/9br4xi/update_partner_10_years_married_3_38m_wants_me/

Thank you so much for everyone for your advice and sharing all your stories. This is the first time i reached out 'internet strangers' and i was in a very sad place.

I think my favourite comment was from someone who asked if I married Don draper. That was so funny!

Husband and I have come to agreement with this so far:

• I will stop bachata and only do salsa classes
• I won't do salsa classes at the club venue anymore and do it at a salsa dance school with paid classes
• I will stay back for 45 minutes tops after class to practice dancing with classmates
• When we move to my parents, husband and I will start bachata classes together so I can dance it with him only (I don't want to drop bachata - love the music too much)
• He may consider doing salsa classes then (doubt it)

I hope somehow, when we do the bachata classes he finally realise it's not that seedy but I won't hold my breath and just stick to salsa my original passion. :)

Husband still does not understand at all how his gym activities and the handful of times he is out drinking late with his family and our friends compare to me dancing with 'strange men.' He said he would happily not do the late drinking or stay out new years eve if i was to stop dancing as he did not want to lose his wife, but felt that perhaps "he has already lost me."

I've assured him that he won't lose me, I'm finding me again, but I can guarantee that if he stops me from dancing, he will definitely lose me and I will resent him.

I've now done two classes - and realise how crap my dancing has been (I am only a beginner/intermediate level). I won't admit it to my husband but I think the one class I did taught me more then the 6-7 times i went out in the club setting.

What I realised is that perhaps I enjoyed the social dancing as it was more challenging then the class as it then tested my following. The classes have been very informative and made me realised I need to buckle down and just do a lot of them and perhaps one day be able to do some more social dancing.

The vibe after the classes are ok, lots of students just end up leaving once the class is done (like how I use to 5 years ago) and as everyone is at the same level it is not as fun dancing with someone experience who can lead the dance. I do miss the club scene though as it was so fun to have salsa, then bachata then the reggaeton music. It was like having a club dance/zumba session mid week.

I have also started full time work again so it has been a big adjustment. I haven't called the therapist yet but plan to in the coming months for just a mental check in.

Thank you again reddit.

TL:DR Partner [10 years married 3] (38M) wants me (33F) to stop salsa and bachata . Reddit convinced me not to give in. Will stick to salsa for now.

Reminder: I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Original poster is u/beatchatta. Originally posted 3 years ago on r/relationships.

Relevant Comments:

• I know it's not a rainbow happily ever. It's just an update and what I thought was a good progress in that I wasn't stopping dancing and sticking to my original passion which was salsa. Bachata came after salsa. Social dancing.. I'll revisit perhaps once I've done some more structured classes. Feeling a bit vulnerable from the negatives. Might need to delete my crap update. I know I've opened myself to criticism and people's opinion but I generally thought I would have some positive support somewhere.
• Sorry if I use the term "let" to often. I think it's just how we both talk to each other. Husband would asp check in with me to say "hey is it ok if I catch up with so&so" so in a way I would also be "letting him" do so. There is probably a better term for it.

We are in a relationship. I thought it was okay to be mindful of each other?