I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/bringusfiggypudding 7 years ago on r/relationships.

My husband (39 M) is weirdly anal about our Christmas tree and it's starting to piss me (35 F) off [Dec 07 2014]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2oky9c/my_husband_39_m_is_weirdly_anal_about_our/

Ok, posting with a festive throwaway just in case. Anyway, my husband and I have a really great relationship/marriage, and we have two kids: a five-year-old and a two-year-old. I'm also four months pregnant with our third.

Despite being an atheist my husband LOVES Christmas. I'm not as into it, but hey, he makes it fun. But for some reason, decorating our Christmas tree is the area in which his worst, uncompromising tendencies come out. Husband thinks that the tree has to be decorated in a very exact way or else it will look horrible: very precise layers of glass ornaments, lights, and tinsel. And yeah, it does end up looking great in the end.

The problem is that he won't budge with his efforts to achieve the perfect tree for the kids or anything else. The five-year-old has been asking his father to help decorate the tree, but my husband says no, because our son doesn't know "his system". I'm definitely okay with our kids being told no, but the thing is I have so many fond memories of decorating my tree in a very non-precise, slapdash way with my parents. Those are some of my fondest memories from my childhood and I feel sad my son won't experience them because my husband needs to get something that only stays up for two months "perfect". Besides, I feel like Christmas is more about the kids than adults, and he's being oddly selfish. I told my husband this and in his characteristic, kind of assholish-humor way he said, "Well, your tree must have looked like crap then." I'm not offended because . . . it's a fucking Christmas tree, why does it matter so much??? But I guess that's the core issue.

Also, two years ago one of our cats ate some of the tinsel and almost died. I've begged my husband for two years to stop using tinsel. He refuses, saying the tree looks awesome with it on and that it's my job to prevent "my" cats from eating it then. First of all, we got the cats together. Second of all, I really don't want to add babysitting a couple of wily cats to my already very full plate. So that's irritating.

Finally, what made me want to post this was the other day. Our two-year-old daughter came home from preschool, having made some popsicle stick and macaroni art ornaments. Obviously they're not Thomas Kinkade quality pieces, but it's my kid's art, and I want to save it. I almost didn't get that chance, because I caught my husband trying to throw them out. When I freaked out at him, he said that they would never, ever go on the tree anyway because they look terrible so what's the point, and that I need to "stop taking your pregnancy out on me". YEAH.

The thing is I've known about this Christmas quirk ever since we were dating. And at first, I found it funny and weirdly endearing, and just gently ribbed him about it. And before we had kids, I was glad to let him go wild and have his fun. But now? He's being an inflexible asshole and weirdly selfish about something that doesn't even matter all that much (to me) anyway. But am I way off base here? Am I just being a nag and trying to prevent him from doing what he loves? Whenever I've tried to talk to him about this in the past, which has happened more than usual due to the whole cat thing, he gets indignant like I'm just trying to take something he enjoys away from him. That's why I'm posting this, to try and get some perspective from impartial people.

Necessary disclosure: husband has OCD, however it is medicated and controlled in all other aspects . . . except for this.

tl;dr: My husband is weirdly anal about our Christmas tree and it's making him highly unreasonable in my opinion. Am I the unreasonable one?

Relevant Comments:

• Thank you, this was really good advice. I don't know why I never thought of a second tree before. I will buy one, even though hubs hates artificial trees (too bad!).
• Commenter expresses concerns about the kids imitating OOP's husband's weird behavior. OOP: Your imitation comment hit home. My son is already exhibiting obsessive compulsive tendencies (don't worry relationships, we're on it with his school and a child psych) and I don't want this to trigger his anxiety.
• I'm neuroatypical myself so I push myself really hard to have the utmost empathy for his condition. Thanks for the reminder and also for the suggestion to involve his therapist, that will definitely happen.
• I don't want him to think I prioritize the children over him but lately it could come off that way. My job allows me to be at home a lot, while his is a traditional 9 to 5. I take care of two little children as well as the cats, a big demanding dog, and whenever she needs it my ailing mother. Often when I see him I'm tired and stressed and barely functioning. We work together to make sure sex, date nights, snuggling, talking happens, but it may not be enough for him. We're also coming off of a slight rough patch due to my secondary infertility prior to this pregnancy last year. I was originally just going to pick my battles and buy another tree but now I think we need to have a serious discussion. We also already have a couples therapist we've gone to when we had a bad rough patch after our son was born, so after I speak with him I'll make an appointment.
• ​

UPDATE: My husband (39 M) is weirdly anal about our Christmas tree and it's starting to piss me (35 F) off [Dec 09 2014]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2orzw3/update_my_husband_39_m_is_weirdly_anal_about_our/

First of all, thank you all so much for your replies on the original post. I am blown away that it made the front page and that so many people replied. All of you were really helpful and put a lot in perspective for me. What became clear to me was that my issue wasn't with him decorating the tree as he pleased. It was his selfishness and contempt for his own children, and his dismissal of my feelings.

So, anyway. Yesterday was both my and my husband's day off so I decided to talk to him in the morning after both kids were at school. I told him right off the bat I was okay with him decorating the tree as he saw fit but that I had other issues.

Second tree. I told him that I was going to buy, with my own money, an artificial tree that the children could decorate with their own ornaments how they wished. He said that sounded like a good idea especially since our son has showed interest. So that's all well and good.

Cats. It turns out my husband has been harboring resentment towards the cats. You see, he is a dog person (we have one of those too), though he still likes cats and has grown to like them more after we adopted our wonderful pair. I was content to live my married life with him just with dogs, but when they turned up in our yard as kittens covered in porcupine quills I couldn't not help them, and he said of course to us bringing them into the house once they were better. However, this was on the condition that I would scoop their litter box. He absolutely hates the fact that cats poop indoors and anything having to do with the litter box makes him feel ill. He has been scooping the box though, and has the other times I've been pregnant, due to the risk of toxoplasmosis. When I was pregnant with our already born children, he was okay with this. But he's had to clean up cat scat for the better part of a year due to the secondary infertility I suffered--I was pregnant, and miscarried, five times. Now he has to for another five months (hopefully). He told me he knows it's illogical but he despises doing it and he's really started to resent the cats for, well, pooping, and views taking the tinsel down as another thing he'll have to do for them against his will even though he didn't really want cats in the first place. I get his point of view but I still told him he was being unreasonable, and would he really want Fred and Ginger to die because he's mad at them for going to the bathroom? And he said no, of course not, and that he loves them (aww). So he went and took the tinsel down. Someone in the original post posted a link to tin tinsel from the Vermont Company, and I showed him that. He got excited, saying it probably would look even better than the plastic tinsel, and we bought some. Thanks!

Pregnancy comment. I hadn't even finished my sentence and he immediately began apologizing profusely, saying he regretted saying that as soon as he said it and that he was way out of line. I forgive him.

Throwing out the children's art. I told him how horrified I was that he could be so cold regarding things our daughter had made him. At first he said he honestly hadn't viewed her ornaments as that important to save because our son had made the exact same ones in that preschool program. Another one of his obsessions is clutter in the house-his parents growing up were hoarders and he does not want to be them, and I get that, but he can be a bit extreme about throwing things out and we've fought about it before. So I can get his brain being like "we already have one of those, must trash" because that's how it's wired. I still was not impressed by that argument, however, because they're hers, not our son's, and just because of that they matter; it's not like I bought the same ornament twice at HomeGoods or something. I told him that it came off as unforgivably callous to be so uncaring about your young child's artwork, and he ended up agreeing with me. I told him specifically about what one of you had said, that he would regret throwing it out when our daughter was in college, and that really opened his eyes. I basically laid down the law though and told him to never throw anything our children had created out, ever, without at least asking me first. He said he wouldn't and I'm holding him to that.

Therapy. We agreed to talk to his therapist about this and also try to address our communication issues with a professional before the baby comes. He told me during this discussion that work has been so stressful for him lately and he's been on edge with that, and he's aware he hasn't been treating me or the kids the best he could because of that and that he wants to make it up to us. I told him I understood he has OCD, but I don't think it's fair to hurt your family, especially your young kids, with it as someone who is aware of it. He agreed with me and said he learned a long time ago he could never use his mental issues as an excuse.

So we went to Lowe's and bought an artificial tree together, and put it in the other corner of our living room. When we picked up the kids from school we told them it was theirs to decorate and they were so happy! It melted my heart to see and I'm sure he feels the same. We put up the ornaments my son had made in preschool as well as my daughter's, and the baby's first Christmas ornaments my brother had handpainted them. Today I'm taking them to go buy more ornaments for it, whatever they want. My husband made sure to spend time with them last night and this afternoon is taking them out to see a movie, because he wants them to know that he adores them. All in all, everything worked out better than expected, I hope therapy will help even more, and I couldn't have so calmly laid out my complete thoughts during our talk without the help of this sub.

EDIT: Husband just came home from work with Star Wars string lights for the kids' tree (they both love Star Wars). It's making my hormones go haywire :')

tl;dr: The second tree has been bought and decorated, the tinsel is gone, and my husband is being super considerate and going out of his way to bond with the kids. Everything has worked out better than I'd hoped so far.

Relevant Comments:

• I definitely agree that his love of the orderly tree is due to his upbringing. He was an only child and his parents were too distracted with their issues and alcoholism to do it unless he did. It became the one part of the house that was neat and orderly. Later on he grew to enjoy the aesthetics of a pretty tree, but that's how his hobby started. I was in his parents' horror house, cleaning it up so it wouldn't be condemned, and I have never been so disgusted by any one place in my entire life.
• I agree too about the kids' art thing, especially after hearing his side. The twist is that his mother ended up being diagnosed with OCD (the house being on the verge of being condemned prompted him and his aunts to stage an intervention) which manifested itself in her hoarding, her obsessive need to keep things, as well as her religious fervor. FIL is just a depressive alcoholic. But yeah, since he inherited her disease he thinks he's predisposed to hoard, and thus goes overboard in the other direction.

Reminder: I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/bringusfiggypudding 7 years ago on r/relationships.