I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

The original poster is u/throwawaymistak. Originally posted 6 years ago on r/relationships.

I [35 M] feel like I made a huge mistake by marrying my wife [30 F], but I also feel like a huge hypocrite because I was the one who changed. [Oct 7, 2015]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3nv9fc/i_35_m_feel_like_i_made_a_huge_mistake_by/

My wife Sarah and I have been married for 7 years and we have been together for a total of 10 years. I was raised in a very traditional and religious household and was brought up believing that men are the breadwinners and women should stay at home with the kids. Sarah was raised in an equally religious household and had similar views as I did.

After college, I got a job doing financial work for a large company and moved to a different city. I didn't know anyone in the area and decided that attending one of the local churches would help me meet new people. Sarah was one of the church members and I fell head over heels for her. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever laid eyes on and she is also extremely kind and caring. After a year of dating, I proposed to her and we were married after a two year engagement.

After the wedding, Sarah finished her degree and started talking about having children. I asked her to wait a few years until I started earning enough money and she agreed. Kids went on the backburner for a while and Sarah dedicated herself to creating a home for us while I went to work.

A few years passed and I finally got the promotion at work. Sarah was ecstatic and we both agreed that we could have the baby. Sarah and I tried for only two months before she became pregnant. She was thrilled, but my happiness was mixed with a bit of apprehension and nervousness. I didn't know if I could handle taking care of another human and it was scary. I decided to suck it up and put on the brave face for Sarah's sake.

Our son was born and Sarah devoted herself to caring for him. Because I had been promoted, I started spending less and less time at home. The job was demanding and I was working 70 hour weeks. I had to wake up earlier and earlier while Sarah stayed in bed and slept. When I came home, Sarah always looked relaxed and happy, playing with the baby. I know that I was being irrationally jealous, but I started to resent Sarah. Taking care of the baby seemed so much easier than my job and I hated how all of the financial responsibility fell back on me.

It has been two years since I started feeling this resentment and I started going to a therapist, but it's not helping. I hate coming home every day and trying to speak with Sarah. She has never had a job and does not understand how stressed I am from working. It's like I am speaking to a child whenever I try to discuss anything like finances or any topic more in depth than what is taught in high school. I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't feel like my equal. I know that this isn't Sarah's fault, but I feel like I am trapped and I just want out.

tl;dr: I'm bad at summaries. Wife and I married and she always planned on being a stay at home mom. I took a promotion at work and now I feel resentful towards my wife for staying at home with the baby. It doesn't feel like Sarah is an adult and I don't know how to handle it.

Relevant Comments:

• Commenter: 'Taking care of the baby seemed so much easier than my job' Yeah, well it isn't and you need to find a way to realize that taking care of a kid full time is physically and mentally exhausting. Especially since you state you're working 70 hours a week and made no statement about how your home is falling apart, which implies that it hasn't. Which means your wife is also running your home. She's probably working as much as you here, bub, and you're the one who seems to not be acting the adult. OOP: Obviously I realize this, otherwise I wouldn't be posting here asking for help in the first place. It was what I wanted, but now I don't know if I want it anymore.
• Commenter: You knew her personality for years before you married her. Why would you marry her if, in your opinion, she lacks the ability to hold intellectual conversation? OOP: It didn't matter as much when I was younger. I couldn't look into the future and imagine that our relationship wouldn't have as much substance as I would like. I was naive and didn't consider what the future held. And it's not that she is stupid or anything like that. Sarah is extremely smart, but she is ignorant of current events and other topics that I love. I will tell her about a cool scientific discovery and she won't understand basic concepts that I know she learned in college. It's very frustrating and maybe my expectations are too high.

[Happy Update!] I [35 M] feel like I made a huge mistake by marrying my wife [30 F], but I also feel like a huge hypocrite because I was the one who changed. [Dec 1st 2015]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3v0qwm/happy_update_i_35_m_feel_like_i_made_a_huge/

I made this post a few weeks ago about the resentment I started to feel towards my wife after I had been promoted at work. I just want to say thank you all for the advice and I have a very happy update for you all.

I took a week to think about the post and my own feelings. I talked it out in therapy and I came to the conclusion that I could not keep working 70 hours a week. It was destroying my relationship with my wife and son and it was also destroying my happiness. I spoke to my boss and he was very understanding and told me that there was enough in the budget to hire an assistant for me. My assistant started two weeks ago and my work load has been dramatically reduced. I have been able to work a normal 40 hour work week and I am now finally coming home before 6:00 PM each weekday!

I spoke with my best friend about my wife and he knocked some sense into me. He told me how jealous he and the rest of our friends were over my wife and how lucky I was to be with a woman who is super-model attractive, yet driven and kind and compassionate like my wife. Later that night, I drank a bottle of scotch and got sloppy drunk. My wife found me puking in the bathroom and in my drunken haze I confessed to her everything I was holding back. I told her about how I felt left out because I wasn't around for our son, how I didn't feel connected to her like I wanted to be, the whole nine yards. She held me and let me cry it out and she told me that she loved me.

The wife and I are headed to couple's counseling, but we also signed up for cooking classes to build a common hobby. She says that she will stay by me as long as I stay be her, no matter what happens. I love her and she loves me and I think we are going to be okay.

One last detail that I can't think to put anywhere else: All three of us are taking a month-long vacation after Christmas in order to have family bonding time. Wife and I both agree that we need this vacation.

tl;dr: Pulled my head out of my ass and told my boss that I had too much work to handle. I got an assistant and relieved myself from that stress. I spoke with my best friend who knocked some sense into me about how wonderful my wife is. She and I are going to counseling and we are going to work it out.

Relevant Comments:

• Commenter: Good for you! Now keep it up. Don't do the stoic, suffer-in-silence type. Trust your wife to listen to and care about your problems. A SAHM can still be educated and sophisticated. Encourage her to grow intellectually with you. OOP: Thanks. My problem was that I let my prejudices cloud my view of my wife. She studied hospitality management and I wasn't able to view her skills with the same respect as I gave to math and finance. I'm learning different techniques to rewire my brain into having a less conservative view. I made a list of all the skills that Sarah has and how they blow mine out of the water. Her skills aren't any less worthwhile than mine, they are simply different. CBT is helping.
• I always knew that taking care of the baby was hard work, but my mind was only able to rationalize that my workload was harder. I knew it was irrational and it was akin to complaining that I had 5 finals to study for vs having 4 finals to study for. No matter what, it's a lot of studying. I've been coming home earlier each day and for the first time in a long time, I was able to see her in her yoga pants and a pony tail while trying to care for a screaming baby. You're right though, I do need to work on this part of myself and my relationship. Also, this is why I am not going to raise my son as I was raised. Growing up, I was constantly told that men are the breadwinners, women stay at home with the kids, your wife should have dinner on the table and bring you a beer and a pipe, etc etc. To be frank, it fucked me up and it's costing me thousands in therapy to come to terms with myself and fix my attitude.
• We were both raised evangelical and were in that church when we were newlyweds. She and I now belong to a progressive church because we disagreed with how our old church treated her brother for being gay. It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I was raised to be a misogynist, but I know that's not who I am.
• She makes it look easy and I now know that I should be in awe of her drive. My best friend told me bluntly that I was complaining that the woman who does everything wasn't doing enough. It was a wake up call and I'm grateful to be with a woman who works as hard as she does. That's why I'm going to work hard to make her happy too.

Reminder: I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

The original poster is u/throwawaymistak. Originally posted 6 years ago on r/relationships.