I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Original poster is u/miserable_wife. Originally posted 9 years ago on r/relationships.

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31f, because of my husband's 42m actions I'm losing my friends and family [April 07 2013]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1bvv3c/31f_because_of_my_husbands_42m_actions_im_losing/

We have been married for almost ten years, and have two children together. Over the past few years, my friends and family members have distanced themselves from us, to the point where some will no longer spend time with us. I know that my husband can be very rude and controlling (eg, dictating where everyone sits when we're out at dinner with friends, playing only 'his' music when we have people over at our house, picking fights with me in public etc.) and I can understand them not wanting to spend time socially with him. However, he will not let me go and spend time with them on my own. He is quite jealous of me.

I asked my sister 35f about this and she told me some rather disturbing things. Namely, that after her husband and mine had had an argument, my husband had then started spreading rumours that her SO had interfered with our children. He then contacted her directly and implied that her husband was cheating on her. What the hell?! Neither of these things have any basis in truth!

One of my other friends recently told me that my husband told them I cheated on him all the time. They figured it was lies, but felt uncomfortable talking to me about it. After I asked him why he would say that, he had a heated argument with them and screamed at them for interfering in his marriage.

He picks fights with me when we are visiting with friends, making it awkward for everyone and has previously abandoned me at other's houses because he was angry. All of this adds up to them not wanting to spend time with him, but he makes it very difficult for me to maintain those friendships due to his jealousy.

There is more, but I don't know how much information to provide. Please ask me if you have any questions.

Tl;dr: my husband is rude, controlling and inappropriate towards my friends and family and its driving them away. He won't let me spend time with them on my own. I'm miserable and I don't know what to do.

Update: I just spoke with my sister and apologised for what my husband had said. As difficult as it was to get out, I told her that I was really unhappy and didn't know if I should stay with him. She told me that while she was not comfortable spending any time around him she would always be there for me no matter what I decided. I am welcome in her house at any time. She also said that if I do decide to leave she would love to have us stay with her while I sort things out. And when I asked her what she thought I should do, she said she couldn't tell me, but that I should think about things as though I was a close friend talking to myself, I don't know if that makes sense in the writing of it but I hope you get the idea.

Right now, I don't know what to do, and thinking through not only this but other things he says and does, I am quite shattered. I feel sick. I don't know how I'll be able to handle my emotions when he gets home.

Relevant Comments:

• Commenter suggests couples therapy. OOP: I have raised this issue a few times now, and his response is along the lines of "I only said/did this because..." He has refused counselling even though I begged him to attend with me. It feels like he simply doesn't care that I'm losing my friends, and when I show that it's upsetting me he criticises them and tries to convince me that I'm better off without them.
• I'm scared. Of him and what it might spark if I leave. And of being on my own. That sounds pathetic even to me, but I've never lived on my own or been responsible for everything myself. I moved in with my husband directly from my parents house. And it wouldn't be so scary if it were just me, but I have my children to care for, and at present I work in our business. I would essentially be walking away from my job as well as my husband. But I also didn't expect such an overwhelming chorus of "leave him!", so I'm a little shaken right now.

• Commenter asks if OOP can talk to anyone in her life/ask for help. OOP: I think I could talk to my sister, we've always been close. I am ashamed and embarrassed by what my husband said about her husband. He doesn't know I hope that she told me what he had said. Most of my friends have gotten married in the last few years, so no, no divorcees there, but none of them would judge me I think. And although I don't see my parents that often, I know they would give me all their support. They do live a few hours away though.

  Me [31 F] with my husband [42M] duration 10 years, because of his actions, I'm losing my friends and family UPDATE [March 14 2014]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/20dpp4/me_31_f_with_my_husband_42m_duration_10_years/

Well, it took about a month to finally tell him that I was done, I was leaving, but I did it. Another month before I was able to move out properly, but I stuck to my decision and here I am 8.5 months later. I struggle a lot with the things he has/is putting me through, but my friends and family have been fantastic support.

One thing that stuck out in all of this was his reaction when I first told him that I wanted to leave. He broke down, told me how sorry he was, he would change, he loved me etc. and I had some hope that things would improve. The next morning, he started the most god awful fight, screaming at me for even thinking of leaving him, how could I do that to him, he would never trust me with his heart again and all kinds of other bullshit. He started throwing things, ripped the curtains down, drank about a half a bottle of vodka and I just left. All I could think was how his reaction was all about him. This kind of crap continued for the next couple of weeks. I slept in the spare room but would wake up to him snuggling against me. He kept buying me perfume and flowers but then would smash something or scream at me in front of the kids. He didn't lay a hand on me, but I think there were times that he was close to it. Oh, and then he overdosed on some anti anxiety medication his doctor had prescribed, so I called an ambulance and let them take him into hospital, which meant that I didn't care at all apparently.

His new girlfriend moved in within weeks of me moving out. that was a surprise, I honestly don't know if he cheated on me, but he had her lined up pretty quickly. Hasn't stopped him from sending me about a million messages demanding that we "work on our marriage". At the same time he spreads lies about how I left him for another man, or he dumped me because I cheated on him. So many lies I don't know how he keeps track of them all. I just don't reply to him or his friends anymore.

It will be another few months before I can file for divorce, we have to be separated for 12 months first, but I'm happier. My days are peaceful, aside from the nasty messages I get, and my friends are wonderful. I've been in counseling, which has helped some, but to be honest, I think just being away from him has been the best thing for me.

I don't know how the property settlement will end up, he keeps making threats to bankrupt us, which I doubt he would do, but still. The court system here is pretty fair apparently, so I just give it to my solicitor, it's too much stress for me to try and deal with.

My children are adjusting slowly, they are with me almost all the time. When we were going through the break up month, my ex was pretty horrible in front of them, so it will take some time for them to heal. But we will be okay.

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I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Original poster is u/miserable_wife. Originally posted 9 years ago on r/relationships.