I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/StuckInTwo six years ago in r/relationships.

light editing done for clarity/spelling.

I [33M] messed up with my wife [30F] over my parents [early 60's] and I don't know how to fix things [10 Sept 2015]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3kgl5r/i_33m_messed_up_with_my_wife_30f_over_my_parents/

Throwaway because I hope my wife doesn't see it.

Some background - I'm an only child, and it's been drilled into me from an early age that I need to be there for my parents when they get older. For the most part I don't mind - they've done their best to give me what I need and I'm only too glad to help out when I can. When I got married, I was happy to know my wife shared this sentiment, too. She treats my parents like her own for the most part.

The issue - my parents are currently here visiting us. They've been here for two months and the plan is for them to stay another 3 weeks. This hasn't been an issue for us.

A couple of days ago, my wife had what she thought was her period but after some time she was in a lot of pain, so I rushed her to the ER where we were told she was having a miscarriage. This was a huge surprise to both of us because we didn't suspect anything. She was sent home with orders to rest and take it easy, and upon her insistence we told my parents that she'd had a stomach upset and that along with her period made things worse.

The next day, my wife was in bed resting when (and this part is based on what she told me since I was at work) my mother entered the room and asked her when she was getting out of bed as there was work to be done. She politely replied that she wasn't feeling well and that she would be staying in bed all day, but if my mom wanted something to be done to note it down and that she would do it the following day. My wife (let's call her Lucy) told my mom that if it was a truly urgent matter, she would ask me to take care of it in the evening. My mom proceeded to yell at her and tell her she was a "no-good lazy bitch who took advantage of (her) son". Lucy started crying and asked my mom to leave the room, but my mom stood there yelling at her till Lucy picked up the phone and called me. Apparently when she did so my mom left the room, and Lucy got out and locked the door.

I picked up her call and she was still crying, and wasn't able to give me an answer so I rushed home at lunchtime. She told me the whole story, and I'm ashamed to say, I didn't believe it. My mom had never behaved like that ever, and I didn't see her doing it. I got Lucy to take a nap, and asked my mother what happened, and she told me she just asked Lucy what she wanted for lunch when Lucy started crying. I messed up again and let it slip that Lucy had had a miscarriage and told my mom to keep an eye on her because it might have been her hormones causing her to cry.

Well, two hours after I got back to work and I get another call from Lucy, except this time I can hear my mom screaming terrible things at Lucy about her miscarriage. I rushed home immediately, and confronted my parents. My mom was unrepentant and my dad said he didn't want to be dragged into the issue. I asked Lucy what she wanted and she told me she wanted my parents out of the house immediately.

This posed a problem for me and I told her I'd put them up in a hotel somewhere for a night or two. She lost it and said that I wasn't to spend a single dollar on them, not after the things my mom had said to her. I told her sorry, but that was out of the question as my parents depended on me.

She started weeping and told me to get out, and I left her alone for some time. During that time she'd called her brother who lives in the next town, and he turned up. He didn't say a single word, just helped Lucy pack and they left. I tried to stop her and to get her to stay but all she told me was as long as my parents were here, she would not be.

I didn't know what to do. I just kept calling her and leaving messages for her. My parents took it upon themselves to call up her parents (who live in a different country) and essentially insult them by telling them that if they'd brought up their daughter better she wouldn't have left. I had to snatch the phone away from them and apologize to her parents. They were totally baffled so I explained everything to them, after which they hung up on me. That hurt. I left a message apologizing again but they haven't replied.

The next day I got a message from my wife asking me to come to her brother's place. I went after work and we spoke. She told me it wasn't fair that she couldn't be in her own house while my parents were. According to her it felt like being punished for no fault of her own. And then she told me that if my parents weren't out by the end of the week - on their own money, not ours - she would leave me.

I know my parents need to go, but each time I tell them my dad refuses to buy a ticket to leave, and says they'll leave when they planned to leave, and if I keep pressuring them they'll disown me. I can't get them out of the house, I'm at work all day. If I don't get them out, my wife will leave me and I can't imagine having a life without her. My parents don't care that she'll leave me. My wife doesn't care that my parents might disown me. Yesterday her brother called me up and told me that each day my parents are in our home and she isn't, she hates me a little more.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to get the police to kick my parents out because, well they are my parents. I can't lose my wife. I can't see a way out of this, help me please.

tl;dr: My parents insulted my wife and she left home. She won't come back till my parents leave, and says she'll leave me if they aren't out by the end of the week. My parents refuse to leave. What can I do to solve this.

Update: Told my parents to leave or I'd call the cops. They're flying out to stay with my aunt for the remaining three weeks. My mom trashed the house but they're out. I'm going to pick up my wife now. Got a lot of groveling to do. Not sure if I want to stay in contact with my parents anymore. Thanks everyone!

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[Update] I [33M] messed up with my wife [30F] over my parents [early 60's] and I don't know how to fix things [12 Sept 2015]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3kqbxa/update_i_33m_messed_up_with_my_wife_30f_over_my/

Long story short: It's all good!

Long story, uh, long: OP's wife here. He showed me this post as we were having our much-needed conversation, and wow, it got a lot of replies.

First, I was blown away by all the support in the comments. I wanted to let everyone know that I've been fine for the most part. This miscarriage was sudden and unexpected and neither of us knew how to feel about it but we've come to terms about it, and hopefully in the near future we'll have a more positive result.

Secondly, to add some context to the previous post, we're Indian and in our culture, it's kind of a given that you help your parents out as they grow older. It's also a common thing for parents to have long visits and what not.

Third, my husband is a good guy. I can understand the vitriol coming his way over failing to see his parent's past behaviour, but the thing is, neither of us were able to believe his parents capable of such behaviour. He hasn't spent much time with his parents - growing up, he stayed with an aunt and cousin to attend school, and with his grandparents during his college days, so he's never actually spent extended periods of time at home to note their behaviour. The most time I've spent with them in the past was a week, and my parents were there too during that time.

Okay, onto the actual update:

After he kicked his parents out, my husband (Jack) came down to my brother's apartment to, in his words, "take me home." Before he did though, we had a long, long conversation and spoke about everything (which is how we came to the first and third points mentioned before). My brother was a champ and lent us his apartment for the night to give us privacy. I asked Jack what his plans with his parents were, and he told me he's not going to let them back into our lives unless they apologize. If they do, then we'll allow them to see any future children - but it will always be supervised, and they will never be left alone with them. He's on my side 100%, and apologized for taking his parents side. He told me it was hard for him to believe his parents - whom he'd always held in high esteem - were capable of behaviour like that. I cried with him. I can't imagine what he's going through, having to cut your parents out of your life like that. But I am glad he's on my side. We'll be going for a few sessions of counselling together, and I'm hoping to persuade him to go individually too, to handle this whole cutting-parents-out situation.

The next day he booked a hotel room for the two of us, asked me to spend the day doing whatever I wanted, to kick back and order room service. He then organized for cleaners to clean our apartment up so I wouldn't have to do anything! He even got the carpets steam cleaned, I was amazed! The room service was amazing - I'm a bit sad about having to cook now, haha. We're now firmly back home and it's good to be here, just the two of us.

As for his parents, they've flown to stay with his aunt Sandra - in my view the best place for them, because she takes absolutely no BS at all. He was going to call her and her know what happened, but she ended up calling him the night his parents landed there, asking why we'd kicked them out. He told them exactly what happened. told her not to let them spread rubbish against me, and she told him she'd take care of it. He also called a few of his close cousins to let them know what happened, so now if his parents try to drive his family against us, they can't :) She called up again last night, telling us how frustrated they were that no one seemed to sympathize with them. Jack told me that he heard his mom screaming in the background about the devil her son had married and Sandra yelled back at her "you're the devil, hold your tongue". Apparently when my MIL got married to my FIL, her MIL expected her to wait hand and foot on her, and do all the chores, so and and so forth, and she was waiting for Jack to get married so she could get the same treatment in return. It kind of explains why his father didn't say anything either - he's been used to his mother (Jack's grandma) treat his wife (Jack's mom) that way, so he didn't blink an eye when his wife yelled those things at me. I actually sometimes feel a little sorry for his mom, being married to someone who let them be treated that way. I hope that his parents spending time with Sandra will knock some sense into them, and they'll understand that unless they apologize, they won't have anyone to support them.

Oh, and we spoke to my parents as well, and cleared things up with them. I think they consider Jack more a son than they did before now! And while we've both thanked my brother several times, we've called him over the next weekend and we're going to be taking him out to a great dinner, and I'm making him lots of the food he likes to take back with him. If you have any other suggestions on how to thank him, let me know!

Okay, so that's everything I think. We're now going to go binge-watch Dr. Who and order pizza. Thanks again for all your replies!

tl;dr: Jack kicked his parents out, told them not to contact us again unless it's an apology. His aunt is hopefully trying to knock some sense into them. My brother is awesome and I'm making lots of food to thank him. The carpets in our apartment were steam cleaned and I miss room service.

I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/StuckInTwo six years ago in r/relationships.