I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/dontpeeonmystuff. Posted 6 years ago on r/relationships.

Me [23 F] with my dad [45 M] - his drunk best friend peed on my bed and some of my stuff, and my dad is now mad at me!?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3oxkb5/me_23_f_with_my_dad_45_m_his_drunk_best_friend/

Sorry if this is long, I'm venting some here too.

Backstory: I graduated college last December, and was dealing with lots of health issues. I moved back into my parents' home in May, and I'm getting my shit together go to grad school next fall. Before I moved back in, my dad's best friend was living in my room because he had nowhere to go for a while. They're very close and dad's friend (we'll call him Jay) is over pretty often. Living with my parents isn't much different than living with college roommates - my parents drink quite a bit, and dad and his friends smoke pot. I'm fine with all this, but it's a bit different from a normal home atmosphere. I work part-time to pay my student loans (still having health issues) and I visit my boyfriend at his college frequently.

Also, my dad is really big on helping people. It's great but also gets to be a bit much sometimes. I love this about him, but he attracts mooch friends sometimes. Jay isn't a mooch and I do like him, but my mom has commented that it feels like Jay is their second child. Sometimes mom and I have to really talk to dad to make him realize he's putting his friends first a little too much.

Now: So as I said, I frequently visit my boyfriend at his school while he finishes up his degree. I usually leave my door cracked so my cat can go in and out. Also, our house's two bathrooms are inside each bedroom, so sometimes my parents or their friends need to go in my room and use my bathroom.

I've never said anything about people going in my room or using my bathroom. Jay has slept in my bed a couple times, and I never commented on it. It annoyed me a little bit because it's now my bed, but I feel like it's my parents' house and I don't want to be stingy with my room. I don't pay rent or anything (and my parents have said they don't want me to), and I would feel bratty making a big deal about people in my room / sleeping in my bed.

Well. Last week I came home from visiting my boyfriend, and all the stuff that was on my bed was on the floor (stuffed animals, a charger, a book I was reading). I had recently cleaned my bedding and made my bed, so I asked mom what happened. She said Jay had stayed the night and slept on the couch, but maybe he came in my room in the middle of the night. I didn't say anything about it, but it did bug me. I think I had some pajama shorts with undies in them in my bed and that weirded me out.

A few days ago, I was out of town with my boyfriend. My mom calls me and tells me this insane story about Jay. Basically he was passed out downtown, and a guy found him and was about to call an ambulance. He was also almost arrested. My dad went to go rescue him, and brought him back to our house. Mom said Jay had stripped down to his boxers by the time he got inside, and had been trying to throw his clothes out of the car window. He was hardly conscious, and they put him on my bed. (They didn't try putting him on the couch, but it was like 7pm so I guess they were still using the living room and wanted to give him his own space). She then tells me that when she got up for work the next morning, Jay had ripped the sheets off my bed and put them in the washer. He said 'it's for the better, I promise' or something like that.

Again I didn't say anything, but after talking to my boyfriend, I called my mom back and told her I felt uncomfortable. I told her sometimes I have pajamas or undies in my bed, and dirty laundry in my bathroom. I said I just feel weird because unless I know someone may use my room, I may leave shit like that around and I feel weird knowing that Jay moved my stuff and slept in my (newly cleaned) bed. I've also been making a point to keep my room really clean and keep my bed mostly made, so it's sort of annoying to come home to my bed a mess anyway.

Mom said she understood and would talk to dad.

The next day, I come home to see my bed made with clean sheets, but my comforter is missing. I have this super nice down comforter my aunt sent me, and I've always been told not to clean it in the washer. My mom knows this. I found my duvet cover in the dryer, and my comforter hanging up to dry in my bathroom. I called mom and asked her why she washed it (because she knows it's not machine washable). She just sort of blew it off and said that she would buy me another one. I told her she knew it shouldn't be washed and that down comforters are expensive (note my parents have no money) and that was the one my aunt gave me. I didn't even want a new one because I would feel bad for my mom having to buy one! But honestly, it did look ruined. I was mad, but again didn't make a huge deal because I was on my way to work. I felt like my mom was really nonchalant about this and it was sort of weird.

I got home and mom says she read that it's okay to wash a down comforter, just put it in the dryer with tennis balls or something. I said that was fine. I wasn't being bitchy or anything, but mom knew I was annoyed.

She then told me that NO ONE WAS GOING TO TELL ME THIS, BUT JAY HAD PISSED IN MY BED. I told her that was fucking ridiculous, like this is something you definitely SHOULD tell me! She said she and dad decided not to tell me because it was gross and they would just wash everything. I was pretty pissed, but didn't want to take it out on my mom. I told her all of this was ridiculous, and I'm tired of coming home to see my stuff messed with. (A few weeks ago mom called me super drunk, a friend brought his kid over so she took the kid in my room and gave her a bunch of my stuff to mess with. I have like.. anime figures and plushies and stuff. I came home to my drawers ruffled through / messy, and a pile of random stuff from around my room and from some drawers just sitting on my dresser. I kept finding little pieces of stuff under my dresser - nothing broken, but like stuff that goes together was no longer put together. Another time, Jay was drunk and leaned on a shelf in my bathroom and broke it off the wall.)

My mom understood and knew I was really mad, so she left me alone and kept trying to fluff my comforter. I explained to her that I don't want to be a selfish brat. I don't want to say my room is off limits. Jay used to live here and sleep in my bed, and I don't want to deny him that if he needs to stay the night and I'm not home. But it's still my room and my stuff, and my privacy. She totally understood all of this. AND IF SOMEONE PEES ON MY STUFF, TELL ME.

Dad and Jay are out at this time, and my parents and Jay had plans to go out of town the next day (today) for a concert. Mom said I really needed to have a talk with dad and tell him how I feel, and we decide to do so after their trip. Dad ends up coming home with Jay and mom and dad argue about something dumb, whatever. After some time Jay takes a cab home.

At this point, mom comes in with my comforter and we fluff it up. I look into the pile of stuffed animals that were on my bed. I have this pink cat thing I got from a convention I went to in Chicago, it's super cute. I realize it's covered in YELLOW CRUSTY STUFF. I picked it up and showed mom and probably turned 10 shades of red. I was so frustrated. I told her I was done. This was fucking disgusting.

I walked in and told dad I had to talk to him. I wasn't yelling or bitchy or anything, but it was clear I was upset. I told him that I was tired of coming home to my stuff messed up / ruined. I said very clearly (more than once) that this is their house and I have never wanted to make a big deal about my room being off-limits or just mine. I said that I didn't want to be selfish and bratty, but I am uncomfortable with Jay sleeping in my bed because I usually sleep mostly naked anyway, and it's unacceptable that no one would tell me that he pissed in my bed. He was like "you know this is a special circumstance, right?"

I said I know, he was blackout drunk and half dead. But he pretty much ruined my bedding and some sentimental items I have (I picked up a crusty otter plush later, one my boyfriend had bought me at an aquarium). I said that I don't want anyone sleeping in my bed or going in my room when I'm not home, but I can't fully shut the door because of the cat.

He seemed sort of...defeated? but receptive, at least. I told him like 3 times that I didn't want to make it a big deal and be selfish, but coming home multiple times to things in my room a mess really sucks. And the pissed on comforter and yellow crusty cat were the last straw. He didn't know about the kid and the toys, and he didn't know about Jay sleeping in my bed last weekend. He started to ask me what bugged me about the kid playing with my stuff when I mentioned it, but I told him that wasn't the issue, that it was just coming home to my stuff a mess more than once.

I think all is good, even though I sort of feel shitty. Dad had gone to bed. I'm cleaning up and dad comes in and says "You know... I value my friendships more than things. These are just things. They can be replaced. We can get a new comforter and ...." he trailed off and went in his room and shut the door. I managed to get out "dad! It's not the things, it's the principle! The comforter is no big deal, but it's frustrating..." and I couldn't really get a chance to say much of anything.

I went to my mom and I was almost in tears. I told her it wasn't the stuff! Like yes I'm disgusted that my comforter was peed on and my cat plush was crusty and yellow and gross. But it's the principle! It's my privacy, and my little section of the house that is mine. It's my stuff and my bed. If people want to use it then okay but don't fucking pee on it or break things or make a mess.

She told me that dad was just very buzzed (that means drunk in my parents lingo) and to bring it up again when we're by ourselves. She said to mention something he cares for, like his CDs. He would be annoyed if someone came in and ruffled through his CDs and ruined some of them.

So today they left to go out of town, and I slept all day (partially to just avoid all of this). Jay came over and they left together and now I have the house to myself until tomorrow night.

I feel like an asshole because this is exactly how I DID NOT want dad to take this. I said over and over that I didn't want him to think I'm being a selfish brat about my room (he really hates selfishness, as evidenced by how he likes to help his friends so much).

But to be honest, holy hell. My bed got pissed on, and no one was going to tell me. I pulled out two stuffed animals that were crusty and gross. I have come home to a broken bathroom shelf, messy drawers that were ruffled through, and a messy bed. Each thing alone didn't bug me enough to make a big deal, but now I'm just mad. I have nice things that I try to take care of, and I realize that I care more about material items than my dad does. I never said anything about Jay as a person or my dad's friendship. All I said was that I don't want him sleeping in my bed. I don't care if it was a special circumstance.... a grown man should not be blackout drunk and passed out on a sidewalk downtown anyway! And it's not my dad's job to save him, either. I can't really say these things to dad because it'll just make him sad and angry.. so of course I won't.

But obviously my space is not being respected, and my privacy is not being respected either.

How can I explain to my dad that it's not the stuff in my room, it's just respect and privacy and the principle of the thing? And I don't care who you are, you're gonna be pretty mad if someone pisses on your stuff.

tl;dr: Dad's drunk best friend passed out downtown and had to be rescued. Dad brought him home and gave him my bed, which he pissed all over. He fucked up some of my bedding and got a couple of sentimental stuffed animals crusty and gross. Dad got mad at me for saying no more people sleeping in my bed and thinks I'm being selfish. I JUST DON'T WANT TO COME HOME TO MY STUFF BEING PISSED ON. This also isn't the first time I've come home to my stuff being messed with.

EDIT: Just a minor update. My mom texted me. She's out of town with my dad and Jay at a concert. She said that they're babysitting Jay again and my dad seems to be fed up finally. I told her we both need to have a talk with dad and it's time to stop changing Jay's diapers. It may be a huge thing when they get home, but I feel like this will get all these issues out into the open.

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Relevant Comments:

• Commenter asks if OOP can move her stuff and herself in with her boyfriend. OOP: Sort of. He has a house with 3 other people, and it's one of those places where you pay by the room because it's in a college town. I can go and stay for a while if needed, but moving and bringing my stuff isn't really possible. We'll be getting a place again but that isn't until August. Worst comes to worst, I can take stuff to my grandmother's house and stay there. Or just take stuff over there and then go stay at my boyfriend's place. I'm thinking that once my dad has had time to mull it over, and once he hears my side with a clear head, he'll understand. It usually works out that way but the past couple of days have been weird and he hasn't been away from Jay.. so he hasn't had a chance to really think about anything. (Also the fact that Jay has been around so much lately has been bugging my mom too, so this may turn into a whole thing).
• Commenter mentions OOP's parents having substance abuse issues and how is may be hard for them to admit how fucked up Jay is because it would involve looking at their own issues. OOP: Their lifestyle choices are something I have just accepted, and I know that sounds awful. My mom is confronting her drinking problem (which apparently she didn't really realize she had) but I have accepted that my dad will never stop or even decrease his alcohol consumption. You're pretty correct on them acknowledging their own issues, but that's a whole other beast I just don't confront for now. Based on past issues, my parents are very receptive to my feelings. Like if I confront dad and lay everything out, he is likely to get it and respect my boundaries. Although obviously it didn't go that way last night. But yes, if it doesn't go well I'll just end up locking up my room and going to my boyfriend's place more often.

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[UPDATE] Me [23 F] with my dad [45 M] - his drunk best friend peed on my bed and some of my stuff, and my dad is now mad at me!?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3pvcrz/update_me_23_f_with_my_dad_45_m_his_drunk_best/

Here is my first post. TL;DR is that my dad's friend drunkenly peed in my bed and screwed up some of my stuff, and my dad wasn't getting how big of a deal it was and how it crossed so many lines.

Thanks for the responses on the first post. Some people had some insightful things to say, and some people opened my eyes about the fact that my family and living situation are not normal and I have grown to accept the insanity as normalcy.

I do want to say something about some responses I got, but I'll go on to the update first.

Nothing huge to report. I took a few days to talk to my dad because our work schedules were pretty opposite and I couldn't catch a decent moment alone with him. I told my mom the other day that I won't let this just get blown over or ignored, and that I still intended to have a serious talk with dad. I didn't want this swept under the rug just because a few days had passed.

So today my dad was off work, and I came home to see him here alone (no Jay! usually he's here when dad's off work, at least for a little bit).

I simply said that I wanted to talk about this and asked if my mom had mentioned anything else to him. He said that he knew it wasn't about the things or money. He said that if Jay came over drunk and knocked over one of his speakers (those things are his babies), he would be fucking pissed, but he would replace it and pretty much move on because Jay is his best friend.

I told him that yeah, that's fine, okay. But I said nothing about Jay and nothing about Jay as a person or his choices or their friendship. I just wanted my room left out of the equation, and my boundaries were crossed this time and it's not okay. I told him that the stuff on the cat plush was NOT pee. He asked if it was vomit or something. I just told him I was not sure but that I was fucking disgusted.

He explained himself a little - it was the middle of the day and they couldn't put him in their bed. I told him that it doesn't matter. I said that if an 'emergency' (from their point of view) arises, then put Jay in their bed and they can take my bed. I said it's still weird but better than the alternative. Let Jay mess up their stuff, not mine. I have no part in this.

I also said that it is my room and my things and that it's about my privacy and my boundaries. He nodded. I told him I didn't want to worry about the state of my room when I leave home, and he definitely agreed that I shouldn't have to. I said something about how if he came home to find his CDs a huge mess and a couple of them ruined, he would be mad about it too.

Basically he agreed with what I had to say, which I knew that if I said how I was feeling he would. He's usually very receptive, especially if I am serious about something. Even if he doesn't 100% agree, he at least will keep people out of my room.

I told him I didn't want to leave my room shut and closed off because my cat likes to run all over the house, but that I would keep my door cracked and I don't want people in there when I'm not here. I also did say something about how he didn't realize the buildup to all of this - the kid that came over and played with my stuff, and the random night Jay mysteriously slept in my bed but no one saw him. I said this stuff wasn't okay either.

I also said I was fucking livid that no one was going to tell me Jay peed in my bed. He nodded and just listened. I told him it made me feel like I couldn't trust mom when she said the mattress was okay.

Anyway, I'm operating under the assumption that my room will be left alone. My parents do respect my feelings and my boundaries and it does feel like this stuff shouldn't be an issue anymore. That's not to say that something may not come up again - but basically if something of this caliber happens, I'm just getting the important stuff and going to my boyfriend's place. Or taking stuff to my grandmother's if needed. I don't think that will happen.

Apparently Jay said that he isn't going to drink until Halloween. I guess he realized he was going way overboard. My dad swears that Jay was sneaking liquor when they went on their trip (they had only been drinking beer I guess) right after the whole incident with my bed. Jay obviously has a problem but I know that he is here to stay in my dad's life. They're best friends and regardless of the dumb shit that goes on, I know they're going to stay close. I just accept that for now because there isn't anything I can do.

My mom and I talked as well and she promised to uphold the whole no one in my room thing. She said she'd make sure Jay wouldn't sleep in my room anymore and would also make sure that Jay gets their bed if something weird happens again.

To those that commented on my last post - some people were saying that my parents have substance abuse issues. They definitely do. It's just another huge story for another post. Long story short, I have accepted that there are some things that will not change. I have argued and cried and fought with them (when I was in high school) and, despite how it seems, they have done a lot and changed a lot (they have a pretty bad past). Now they both drink (quite a bit) and my dad smokes pot. I have come to terms with this and know that I can't change their drinking habits. My mom has started to try and cut down, but I keep commenting that nothing has changed and I'm trying to push her in the right direction. My dad is a long story and a whole other case... As someone commented, a lot of things in my house are not normal but I have come to accept them as normalcy.

Despite all this, I do have good parents. They do everything they can for me and put forth all the money they can to make sure I have what I need and that I can achieve my goals. I love my parents and I do have a great relationship with them. I am very close to both of them, and I think part of that is the fact that they're younger than most other parents of my peers and they're always understanding. But I also have to deal with the fact that they have some of the same problems my 21 year old friends do. It's just become normal and something that I don't even question anymore. They have definitely made choices that I would never make.

I know there are people that will talk badly of my parents' habits and I don't disagree with you. I don't even really know what to say about it at this point. Some people kinda shit on my parents as people because of what I said in my post and what's apparent about their habits. But regardless of how it sounds I guess, they are good people and we have always had a good relationship. I just don't want it to sound like they're extremely dysfunctional and shitty people. They have held good jobs for a long time now and are about to buy a house for the first time. But yeah, they definitely have their issues.

Amidst all of this, I just had a meeting with the professor I'm going to work for in grad school. I'll be moving out and going back to school in August 2016. After that I shouldn't have any reason to move back home unless my disease takes over again.

tl;dr: Talked to dad and all seems good now. Mom is there to backup what I have said. Jay will pretty much always be in my dad's life and that's whatever, as long as he isn't in my room. Apparently he's trying to cut down on his drinking but who knows. I'll be out of the house in a year anyway.

I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/dontpeeonmystuff. Posted 6 years ago on r/relationships.