I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/LostSonMissHim 5 years ago on r/relationships.

Light editing done for readability.

I [59 M] recently lost my son [26] and don't know how to deal with potential speakers at the funeral [Nov 14 2016]

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5e1mg2/i_59_m_recently_lost_my_son_26_and_dont_know_how/

I recently lost my son in an accident. my entire family and I are upset beyond belief and miss him dearly. We will of course hold a proper funeral service for him and I'm sure that more than a few tears will be shed.

With regards to speakers, I have found myself in a strange dilemma. He moved away in his early twenties to another city. Before he left, he was always something of a loner, with no real friends. Now, after his passing, I'm hearing from many friends of his in the city he moved to.

They all describe him as being an incredibly open, outgoing, and incredibly sociable person. This is just not how anyone in the family has ever known him. He was always incredibly quiet and meek among other people for as long as we've known him.

A couple people have asked if they may say a few words during his funeral, and one person was so kind as to give a rough outline of the eulogy he intended to give. It was beautifully written, but in some ways, I can't help but feel that it's about a person I've never met.

I don't want to disrespect the friends my son has immediately before his death, but I'm also having trouble identifying speakers for his funeral, because on top of his death, I'm only suddenly finding out about another side to his personality.

I should mention, it's not possible that this is mistaken identity. Many of his friends have shared photos of him with me.

Now his funeral is approaching, and I don't know how to handle the speakers. I love my son, and the people who have offered their condolences are wonderful, but finding out about a social life I ever knew about just breaks my heart. In a way, I don't think I can handle hearing about it right now.

tl;dr: My son had a much more active social life just before he died than he did when he lived at home. Some of his friends have asked to deliver eulogies. I'm having trouble dealing with this second side of my son that I never knew about, and am worried tat the eulogies might hurt me more than I already do.

EDIT***\* The reason I'm asking for help is that I fell a sort of double grief, for the quiet son I knew and the outgoing son I never knew. I want his friends to have a chance to speak. After what they've said, and as kind as they have been, I can't imagine leaving them out of the funeral.

I [59 M] recently lost my son [26] and don't know how to deal with potential speakers at the funeral (Update) [Nov 20 2016)

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5e1mg2/i_59_m_recently_lost_my_son_26_and_dont_know_how/

Update I'd like to thank everyone for all of the kind words and incredible advice that they have sent through both threads. I have not been able to respond to everyone, but please be assured that I have read every one of your comments, and I appreciate them all. Everyone is doing well on our end, and while the pain is still immense, sharing memories and photos with his friends has helped a lot. I'm so proud of him and everything he did in his short time with us.

I'd like to thank everyone who responded to my first thread. Your words were so kind and helped me out with a difficult situation. I'd also like to offer an apology, as I feel I misstated some things in my original post. My difficulty was not from finding out what kind of person my son was just before his death. Additionally, I got lots of posts giving advice to the likes of "I would let them speak," which baffled me slightly, as I hadn't thought that that's what I was asking. I had never considered keeping them out of the funeral and letting them speak their words, however when I re-read my original post, I can see how I didn't make it clear that I was already working with them on delivering their speeches. For this lack of clarity, I sincerely apologize. However, I read all of the comments in full, and I greatly appreciate everyone's input.

To update, the funeral took place yesterday was was, perhaps fittingly, a weirdly wonderful affair. My wife his, younger sister and I spoke, as did 4 of his friends. We decided to hold the funeral in his adopted city rather than here for 2 reasons: First was because we all know he loved that city so much, and Second was to make it easier for his friends to attend. (I should state, pretty much everyone in our hometown was in a position to travel, but his friends aren't, as they are students and it's midterm season for them.) Although people had reached out to me, I was stunned by turnout. I didn't get a proper headcount, but the room that I though was relatively large was down to standing room only.

The family's speeches and 3 of his friends were relatively normal for a funeral, and recounted fond memories of his life and personality. The 4th friend to speak was not.

Quite simply, he wanted to roast my son, namely in the style of a comedy central roast. When he pitched the idea to me, I was a little hesitant, but I decided to give him his moment. Part of it was one of the few aspects of my son that remained constant throughout his life: he hated tradition for tradition's sake. He was always someone who would question (sometimes at unfortunately inappropriate times) why everything is the way it is. Think along the lines of "Why is the bride supposed to wear white?" while actually at a wedding. A second part of my decision to allow it was because a common theme I found out through his friends was that he was quite a joker himself towards the end, and would do anything for a laugh, going as far as making himself the butt of the joke just to get a positive reaction from them. Finally, I agreed because he was completely upfront with me about what he wanted to say (he handed me his script) and said that if I was uncomfortable with it or the idea, that he would still be honoured if he could give a more traditional speech.

This led me to the one difficult in the funeral, namely, where do I put this joker? Do I do it at the beginning to set a tone, or at the end to leave on a high? I discussed with my wife and his friend, and we agreed on a compromise, where he would give a short talk at the beginning to set the mood that wouldn't be all sad, and then he delivered his main set at the end, so we could all leave without tears in our eyes.

So, as weird as it might sound, I think we all had fun at the funeral, and I was incredibly touched to have met so many of his friends. While I still sort of feel that I' mourning 2 people, I was so proud that my son broke out of his shell when he left. I know his friends are wonderful people, and I can only imagine how happy my son was up to the end.

tl;dr: The funeral went well, and I was touched by the support his friends showed.

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I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by u/LostSonMissHim 5 years ago on r/relationships.