I am not the original poster. This is a repost subreddit.

The original poster is u/450lbthrowthisaway. Originally posted six years ago on r/relationships.

Flared NSFW due to some explicit discussion of their sex life.

lightly edited for typos.

Am I (28F) a horrible person for giving my 450 lb husband (31M) of three years an ultimatum about his weight?

https://www.reveddit.com/v/relationships/comments/3u41gl/am_i_28f_a_horrible_person_for_giving_me_450_lb/?ps_after=1448407899,1448421399,1448459553

Title pretty much explains it all. Some details may have been altered for privacy's sake.

When my husband and I first got together, he was already overweight. I knew this going into the relationship. However, he had expressed a strong desire to lose weight plus I really loved him so things just continued from there. I have always tried to be supportive and encouraging, inviting him with me when I go work out, buying healthy choices from the grocery store, etc. He rejects my offers and buys himself Taco Bell or whatever fast food is closest whenever he can.

Predictably, none of this has had any effect. He has gained 70 lbs in the past 2 years alone.

The last thing I want to do is come home some day when we're in our 40's or 50's to find him dead, lying on the floor of a heart attack. This is my fear. Everyday I see him eating enormous portions, choosing candy and coke over healthier options. Everyday I see him so inactive that he gets edema in his ankles and feet from sitting still so long staring at a screen. It kills me to see this and he might as well be doing meth or straight up drinking poison. Either way he is killing his body.

Our sex life is.. incredibly lackluster. We've only been able to have sex in one position, ever. I'm bored and want to do something else, anything else. Due to his weight gain, he can't even fit all the way inside me anymore. Unsatisfied doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

I know my vows included the usual "through sickness and health" and "til death do us part", yadda yadda, so I feel as though I should just continue keeping on. But at the same time, I feel so unhappy in this marriage. He hasn't taken anything I've said seriously and I've had several people suggest that I get more serious about it. The only thing I can think of is an ultimatum: lose weight or you'll lose me.

Am I being a horrible person? Am I too harsh? I don't even know. He can be very emotionally manipulative and I'm sure he'll hit me with an enormous guilt trip so I have no idea how I'll stay true to my word.

What would you do if you were me?

tl;dr: Husband is very obese and continues to gain weight with no sign of changing despite my attempts at being supportive. Maybe an ultimatum will finally be what motivates him but I don't know if it's the best idea.

Relevant Comments:

• OOP reiterates multiple times that she doesn't necessarily want him to be super-fit or thin or even average weight. Just less likely to die very young from being morbidly obese.
• Commenter asks what this relationship is even doing for OOP and if her husband has noticed how little he's providing her: He's definitely sensed the lack of attraction, and to some extent the sex issues. I've expressed that I'd like to do other things and he's always all "yeah me too, don't worry baby I'm working on losing weight" and then.. nothing.
• Multiple commenters posit that OOP should see this as an addiction: I'm reading everything :) That's a good idea. I've actually had a lot of contact with people struggling with drug and alcohol addictions (in the treatment setting) so it's helpful to see it as the same.
• Commenter who became obese mentions that it was finally coming to terms with what this was doing to their lifespan inspired a true commitment to weight change. OOP: I don't think he's fully aware of how this effects his life span. I mean he knows, but it maybe hasn't sunk in. Currently his "only" issues are high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and the edema, however he is able to ignore all but the edema for the most part (they have no effect on his life). I imagine that actually having a heart attack or something of that nature may be a bit of a wake up call. I don't want it to get to that though :\
• He's a big boredom eater. And I think he snacks a lot just out of habit ("oh hey it's 10pm, time for my nightly 4th meal). That said, he probably is mildly depressed. I can't imagine it being much more severe than that. We've actually had this conversation before and I've suggested therapy in the past.

​

[Update] Am I (28F) a horrible person for giving my 450 lb husband (31M) of three years an ultimatum about his weight?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3ut6xj/update_am_i_28f_a_horrible_person_for_giving_my/

I said I'd give an update so here it is. That and I'm somewhat emotionally overwhelmed right now and writing out my thoughts on the matter seems like a good way to deal with it.

The day after I made the post, I gave it to him straight, no beating around the bush. I was scared that I'd back down if he starting laying on the guilt or became defensive, so I wrote out what I wanted to say beforehand and read it to him. If you notice anything familiar about my statement, I did draw ideas and phrases from the comments that everyone provided. This is what I wrote.

First of all, I want you to know that I am doing this because I love you. It's time for us to seek help, otherwise I do not see a future together. I am being very serious this time and I have a lot of backup supporting me on this.

What I say may hurt but I'm doing this so that you can clearly see yourself as I see you and understand the gravity of the situation. This is life or death.

I cannot stand by and watch you slowly kill yourself any longer. I originally doubted that you wouldn't make it past your 40's or 50's, but after learning some more about morbid obesity, it's possible that you could have as little as five to ten years left to live if you continue with your current lifestyle. You are only 31 and yet you have multiple serious health issues. With no significant change, these will only continue to multiply.

I am very unhappy as your wife. I am losing attraction to you due to your weight. I am unsatisfied with our sex life. I am with you through sickness and in health, but that includes only conditions that are unavoidable and uncontrollable. In sickness and in health does not include self-sabotage and addiction.

We do not have the money to spend on expensive doctor appointments and specialist appointments and procedures to try to keep you alive. I do not want a future where I have to wipe your butt for you. I do not want a future where you are bedridden by 35 and I am your nurse. I do not want to see our cats outlive you. I do not want a future where I am your caretaker rather than your partner in life. I do not want to come home in eight years and find you dead on the floor. I do not want to be a widow in my 30's.

I would rather be a divorcee in my 20's.

Everything I am asking from you I will do with you so that you will always have support. I am behind you 100% and know you can do this. Here are my requests.

Start logging what you are eating in MyFitnessPal. Create a profile and figure out how many calories you need to eat in order to lose weight. Stay under that amount.

1. Walk for 45 minutes everyday. If it is cold outside, you can stay inside and walk up and down the stairs as a substitute.

2. Consider seeing a counselor to help you with any emotional issues surrounding your eating habits, such as lack of motivation, poor self-esteem, fatalistic/pessimistic attitude, and so on. Alternatively, you could attend an Overeaters Anonymous meeting to find support and encouragement from others who are similar to you. At these meetings you will find acceptance, understanding, communication, recovery, and power.

3. Promise me that you will put your full effort into becoming healthy, not starting tomorrow, or next week, but today. Right now. Effective immediately.

He... didn't take it too well at first. He immediately became upset and tried to interject multiple times, though he did let me finish. Tbh he was pretty mad. I don't remember everything he said, but it ranged from "You're being selfish" to "You just want me to look like Channing Tatum" to "You married me for who I am" to "You ruined Christmas". Yes, I'm completely serious.

I can see where he's coming from with me marrying for who he is, and that is definitely a spot of guilt for me. I was too fucking in love to even look at everything rationally, to realize that I wouldn't be happy and have never been the type to be happy/into bigger guys. It's just never been me. I was wrong and I know that. I regret it so much.

Everything else though, I thought was just shitty.

That said, he did agree to use MyFitnessPal to track his diet (and try to stay under his limit) as well as go walking every other day. The biggest problem is his caloric intake so I agreed to this as it's far, far better than nothing. So far he has been sticking to his plan without me even having to remind him, until things got bad today.

I texted him "hey do you wanna work out soon?" since I was going to do so myself and I thought he might like to join me. Apparently this was the worst thing I ever could've said, because when he got home, he immediately came over to me and started yelling about how I'm forcing him into this, I'm holding a gun to his head, he's going to resent me, I have him cornered, and he hates the fact that he feels he has no choice but to follow through. Oh, and I'm selfish and just want him to look like Channing Tatum. Again. I don't know why he's so fixated on that, because that's not true (though I wouldn't complain either lol).

I was just kind of dumbfounded because from my perspective, all I'd done is ask a simple question, but apparently it was offensive I guess. I don't know.

Ultimately what it comes down to is that he identifies as a big guy. It's a part of his personality, it defines him. This is what he told me. He never wants to be super fit and muscular. His ideal weight would still put him at a 30 BMI, and he admitted that he would be okay weighing enough to put him at a 37 BMI. He said that losing enough weight to put him at a healthy BMI would be like losing part of his personality.

I guess I don't get it. I didn't realize his issues with his weight ran this deep with him. There's so much that I've been ignorant to.

That said, he said that he will attempt to lose weight down to his ideal size, though he cannot see himself weighing any less than that.

I don't know what to do. I worry about him. I suppose that any weight loss would be good at this point, but the fact that he sees himself as "big" as a part of his identity worries me. I'm just taking it one day at a time right now.

tl;dr: He's willing to lose over 200 lbs and has started putting a plan in motion. However, he doesn't ever plan on being a healthy weight because "he's a big guy".

Relevant Comments:

• Commenter suggests OOP gives it a little time, since it's only been a week and even if she did make an impression on her husband, it takes time to get through those feelings and really commit to working on something like this: This is what I think I'll do, is give him some time. A month or two. I understand that there will be some speed bumps along the way and I can manage some moodiness here and there, since it probably comes with the territory. But I won't wait forever.
• Commenter suggests that OOP pointing out if he loses some weight, maybe he can do childhood sports again that he loved: Yes, he used to play hockey and loved it. We've discussed him joining a recreational league for fun and he's always said he's too big to do that. I'll remind him that he still can play if he wants.

I am not the original poster. This is a repost subreddit.

The original poster is u/450lbthrowthisaway. Originally posted six years ago on r/relationships.