I am not the original poster. This is a repost sub.

Original poster is u/powerwordnurse. Originally posted 9 years ago on r/relationships.

[F26 Married <6 months to M25] How do I tell my in-laws I'm not ok with them moving in just yet?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/12yh0x/f26_married_6_months_to_m25_how_do_i_tell_my/

Let me elaborate: My life has been a little busy this year. I graduated nursing school, studied for and passed my boards, got my first RN job, got married, and most recently bought a house 6 weeks ago. Its common knowledge among family & friends that we haven't even taken our honeymoon yet because of new jobs and expenses. My husband and I are from the same hometown, but our new home is 3 hours away. I considered this distance to be a nice buffer so neither of our parents could meddle and husband and I could really learn to be codependent in our first year or so.

Husband's parents have been saying for about a year now that they want to move nearer to wherever husband lives, so I figured that meant down the road at least six months to a year or more. Where it gets complicated is I work evenings as well as every other weekend, and meeting with my husband and family is often meticulously scheduled. All summer, my in laws have been talking to husband about staying with us while they transition into new jobs and a new house closer to us. I stated my concerns about being an "Everybody Loves Raymond" family, and my husband assured me that wouldn't happen. I agreed they could stay with us later, and I clearly remember saying "at least 6 months from now". Instead, my usually considerate husband gives them the OK to stay with us indefinitely, or until they have a place to live. I am not OK with this!

I've only spent 1 weekend alone in my house so far without having to work or without his parents coming over to plan their future. I swear I used to kind of like these people, but I feel that asking all this of us so soon in our marriage and home ownership is unreasonable (especially considering they only asked one half of the owners!). Needless to say, this arrangement has driven a wedge between husband and me. It's my birthday and I'm sleeping on the couch, because my husband has this attitude that "what's done is done, we can't change it now and voicing your opinion now will only hurt their feelings". I don't want to ruin my relationship with my in laws right off the bat by telling them how I really feel, but from my perspective they didn't seem to care a whole lot about how their decision would affect my feelings. It doesn't help matters that I have a doormat and somewhat passive-aggressive personality. I'm awkward and don't know how to make demands nicely. (For instance, I want them out by Thanksgiving, but start sweating at the thought of breaking the news to them.) AND, how can I tell my in laws they can't criticize me in my home (the food I cook is too spicy, I'm bad about turning lights off [they're not paying us a dime!], I should like dogs more than cats, I should get on this baby-making business..." I'm new to this marriage thing, but how can I make my voice heard without pissing off everyone around me? How can I make my husband put my happiness above his parents? I wish I didn't resent him so much for this, but I can't stop being angry because I'm inconvenienced by this daily.

TL;DR: My in-laws moved in against my wishes and I'm a pushover. I'm a newlywed and I feel I've been cheated out of my honeymoon phase.

A few more details:

• My husband and I dated long-distance for 5 years before getting married.
• Most days, we love being around each other. My husband is usually so considerate, and he feels terrible about making this decision without me. We have talked it through and we have a plan for discussing future life-changing decisions that are brought to one or both of us. What I can't seem to figure out is how to communicate honestly with his parents. I want them to like me.
• I have an emotionally abusive history with my dad, and the thought of sharing my 'controversial' opinion with my husband's parents terrifies me. I need advice and (if necessary) a pep talk.
• This is the 3rd time since we've been married that my husband's parents made a decision with my husband and without me that I was not in favor of. (It's true- women have a memory like a solid-state hard drive.)

Relevant Comments:

• Commenter suggests that he is going to get sick of their pushiness about some issues himself. OOP: He actually did reach a point tonight where he had to lay out some expectations that his parents didn't want to hear but had to accept. You hit the nail on the head.
• Commenter suggests that OOP needs to get her husband on board with a timeline to get them out, so that at least everybody understands how much time they're dealing with for this situation. Also asks if there may be cultural issues at play. OOP: Thanks for the insight. It turns out that my husband had the talk with his parents tonight that I was waiting for while I was at work. I think you were wise in suggesting I weigh the pros and cons of confronting them. My husband was able to give his parents an agreeable move out date to aim for, and explained how the situation is unfair to me. I never want to kick them to the curb because I really do care about these people. They'll stay as long as they have to, but I can at least rest assured that my husband will let them know when they've overstayed their welcome. All I really wanted was for him to have my back, and now having that, I don't want to cause more hurt feelings than what's necessary. I just want to enjoy the house I've worked my ass off for! Oh, and as far as our culture goes, we're about as anglo-saxon as they come, which in our families seems to equate with confusing misinterpretations and inconsistent social expectations. :P

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UPDATE 2 years later: [F26 Married <6 months to M25] How do I tell my in-laws I'm not ok with them moving in just yet?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2y05ga/update_2_years_later_f26_married_6_months_to_m25/

I cannot believe I went so long without giving an update, so sorry everyone. (Or at least all 30 of you that voted on my post). It's been over 2 years, I'm now 28, and we've been married for 2 years, 9 months!

Just to forewarn you, this is a happy update. If you came looking for delicious drama, I'm sorry to disappoint.

When I wrote this post, I was disappointed (rightfully, as many pointed out) with husband for his poor communication between his parents and myself. If you read the original, you'll remember his mom was living with us for a few months to ease the financial burden of their QUITING THEIR JOBS AND FOLLOWING US ACROSS THE STATE because, you know... grandbabies, right? Wrong. 2 years later, and we still don't have kids. I personally feel this is the sweetest revenge. We tell them they have 2 beautiful grandkitties, and that's plenty. We might someday have kids, but I still believe this is OUR business and I'm happy to remind them of this when they openly joke about our reproductive choices (although much less frequently now). We've all spent a lot more time together and I'm much more comfortable shutting that conversation down instead of relying on husband to do it.

My husband did read my post, and we laughed about all the "Call yer lawyer/Divorce now" comments. In the end, husband was talking to parents one day when his dad said, "Yeah, if I don't find a job soon and our house sells, I'm going to have to move into the basement with mom and bring the dogs." I was never more proud of my husband when he said in front of all of us, "That's just not going to work. We've sacrificed a lot already and that's just asking too much. In fact, we were hoping to have the house back to ourselves by Thanksgiving." His dad is not usually great with his wording and often offends people accidentally so I expected some rude comment, but he actually understood and was not resentful in the least. Husbands parents ended up renting a house where they could take their rowdy dogs and we could live in peace. Money was tight for them during this transition, but that's what happens when you move folks. They never offered us money when they moved into our basement within a month of us closing on our house. They didn't seem to give pause when it was our situation, but I think their eyes were opened when they bought their first home in over 30 years.

They ended up buying a house about 40 minutes north of us. I was worried about them stopping over too often, but we were placed in a fortunate/unfortunate situation. Husband didn't think this topic merited discussion, but I did. That all changed when we were having some pretty great sex one Saturday afternoon and his parents knocked on our door. We were going to finish quickly and then get the door, but the door knob was rattling and the knocking grew louder. It was the in-laws and they were "concerned" because why would we not answer our door when the car was in the driveway? (Did you not want grandbabies? Because this is how to not get grandbabies!) One of the first things out of husband's mouth was, "We really need you to call before you guys stop out." Never been an issue again.

We still own our house and are constantly making improvements to it. Husband and I are both happily employed and love our careers, though they still keep us busy. We did have the house to ourselves, but after a year we wanted to make more progress on our student loans so we drew up a contract and began renting our basement to a friend for 13 months now. Life's pretty great!

In other news, we all just took a family vacation last month: a 7-night cruise with my parents and his. It was great because we had just enough time alone to make it fun and relaxing, and plenty of time to make the parents all happy and we ALL had a great time. I'm so glad things are looking up and we're all learning how to respect each other more all the time.

tl;dr: Husband learned so much about husbanding and graciously accepted his responsibility to communicate and set boundaries with his parents. I couldn't be more proud. We're not divorced. We have two hilarious cats. No children.

*Edit: grammar.

Relevant Comment:

• Commenter asks if they found jobs. OOP: Yes, and they're both much happier here than with their previous jobs. And the pay is better. :)

I am not the original poster. This is a repost sub.

Original poster is u/powerwordnurse. Originally posted 9 years ago on r/relationships.