I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

The original poster is u/PopRocks241. Originally posted 3 years ago in r/legaladvice.

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Just found out husband fabricated entire life...can I get an annulment, and how do I get him out?

https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/akw5d2/georgia_just_found_out_husband_fabricated_entire/

I met my husband four years ago, just before moving from PA to GA. Shortly after my move he followed me, and we fell in love. We lived together from 2015 onward, and in mid-November 2018 we married.

Today I discovered that virtually everything he has ever told me or demonstrated about his life was a complete fabrication. From specific medical issues to jobs (past and present) to education to family relationships to the claim that his first language was not English to phone conversations that never happened to people he knows to...if you can think it, he has lied about it.

We live together but my name is on the lease and I hold the title on both of our cars. He has some belongings in our home, but most of it has been purchased with money that I have earned over our four years together -- plus money from my personal savings account. I am totally open to letting him walk with all of 'his' stuff, and even signing the older car to him.

After a quick internet search it looks like I might have grounds for annulment of my marriage, on the basis of being seriously misled. Do I? What will I need to be able to prove in order to make it work, and is there anything else I need to keep in mind to aim for an annulment instead of a divorce?

He is mentally ill (though quite differently than I was led to believe) and receives SSDI each month, but that is nowhere near enough for him to live on. What is the legal way to get him out of my house and life with minimal risk, damage, and cost to me?

Also, do I look for a divorce lawyer in this situation? (sorry if that's a dumb question)

Also also, how does custody of pets work? We have two kittens we got in July and I can't imagine separating them. I also can't imagine him being able to take care of them once we're separated, but I don't know if that matters.

Relevant Comments:

• I have actually connected with his ex wife and will ask her whether she thinks the kittens could be in danger. At the moment I can't figure out what to believe about anything in relation to him, and it has crossed my mind that the kittens may have been a ruse.
• I'm also wondering if it's enough that I absolutely would not have married him if (1) I had know his divorce hadn't been finalized until September, OR if (2) I had known that his mental issues were completely different than advertised and that he was not being treated even a little bit.
• There are quite a few other things that enter the mix as deal-breakers as well...but I'll work with a lawyer to figure out the best way forward.

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[Update] Just found out husband fabricated entire life...

https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/f4vap0/update_just_found_out_husband_fabricated_entire/

Edit: This post got more attention than I expected, and awards I didn't even know existed (thanks, kind strangers!). A few notes for the curious among you:

• for more specifics on things he lied about, there's a partial list here [editor's note: I have included the list at the bottom of this post for ease of reading]
• follow this link for comprehensive evidence that cats make the internet go-round
  
• the best advice I can give for those stuck in an abusive or otherwise horrible relationship is this: (1) no matter what you think now, it will be better if you get out, (2) find people who will give you the kind of advice you'd give someone if roles were reversed, then do what they tell you that you should do, (3) when you're ready to process everything, find a therapist to help you through it, and (4) as well as you can, act in ways that will allow you to look yourself in the eye when it's over, because that will matter and also it will help you in the long run.
• there's a disturbing number of people out there who have lived through things like this and much worse. Please be kind to one another, support those who need it, and refuse to tolerate poor treatment of others.

Now back to the original post...

Original post here.

It's been a little bit over a year since I turned to this community as my life fell rather dramatically to pieces around me. My original post didn't get a ton of attention, but the replies I received helped me tremendously, and seeing where I am a year later may also provide some hope for those going through their own crisis. In particular, you helped me construct my initial list of immediate-to-do items, and put me on the right track to figure out how to extricate myself from the relationship.

The day I first posted here was the day I found out that my then-husband had lied and fabricated most of what I knew about him. Other things I did that day included teaching a class to 200 undergrads about 15 minutes after I found out for sure, and kicking off a day-and-a-half long job interview for the next stage in my career (a job which I somehow landed...).

What unfolded over the following three months can really only be described as living my way through my own version of a Lifetime movie. At some point I moved into an extended stay hotel, and as time passed I learned about the depths and breadths of the lies and deceit he'd used to both control me and get what he wanted, and the lengths he'd go to try and get his grip back on what he'd successfully manipulated his way through for about four years. What I know now -- and what I'm kind of glad I didn't really know then -- was that I wasn't actually as safe with him as I thought I was. So I'm thankful I managed to get out with only psychological/emotional/financial burden, and no physical trauma.

About two-and-a-half months later I successfully had my marriage annulled on the basis of Fraudulent Coercion to Marry. I ended up doing the necessary research and filing the paperwork myself -- which was not an easy task, but was both cheaper and faster than it was going to be if I hired a lawyer. A few weeks after the annulment I moved my belongings out of our apartment and moved to a new city and my new job. Without him, but with the kittens. As of late June I finally had him convinced that contacting me was pointless because he wasn't getting me back, and so I've been largely free to recover from the trauma and crisis mode I lived in for about three months.

One of the things I've learned from all of this is how incredibly difficult it is to get out of a relationship in a situation like this. Besides the obvious difficulty of navigating the legal system, and the cost associated with it, there's the cognitive dissonance of constantly trying to remember to relate to that other person in light of the new information you've found out about them. It really and truly took every life skill and tremendous support of my family and friends network to get out in (more or less) one piece. And even still the road to recovery and a return to thriving is a long one.

So...thanks to those who helped me back on that terrible day in January 2019. And if you know someone who is going through something like this, please offer whatever you can in support. Because they definitely need it!

The (Partial) List of Lies:

• that he went to school in Britain, met his (ex-)wife there, and lived there for about twenty years before returning to the US
• that he went to the bank and tried to close out our joint account but couldn't do it because he wasn't an authorized signer on the account
• full list of emergency medical information, including doctor's names and phone numbers, and list of medications he was (wasn't) one
• that his grown kids stole about $2000 from him and kicked him out of his own house
• that he'd managed to scrape together enough money to buy a house but then his property tax increased and he ended up losing the house in an totally unfair turn of events. Turns out he'd so egregiously messed up his family's finances that his ex-wife ended up losing the home she grew up in
• that his father had abused him horribly as a kid and that his mom had stood by and let it happen
• that his aunt and uncle were the only relatives who'd really cared for him -- and his uncle had died suddenly of a heart attack (right before we really got serious). uncle is still alive and well, btw
• that he'd been in Berlin when the wall came down
• that he was harassed at the grocery store by some random lady that didn't like the way he looked
• that he grew up speaking Polish as a first language
• that he walked and talked in his sleep (in his first language Polish...as a side effect of the medication he was wasn't on)
• that his dad was a wood-worker and was making furniture for us
• that his brother worked for DARPA
• that his aunt was a nun
• that a nurse at the hospital had told him some things about my dad's case that we needed to attend to
• that he had a specific job with a host of people he worked with on a regular basis -- and all the stories he told me on a nearly daily basis about those people
• that his boss had bought him the fancy new watch he had on his wrist
• that Mr. Park the camera repair guy did work on his cameras for free or at a discount
• countless lies about money spent or refunds unavailable for all kinds of reasons
• that his counselor had actually said exactly what I just said when they'd talked about it, too! this happened over and over again
• That he was bipolar and borderline schizophrenic (but well controlled and committed to taking his meds)
• that he was feeling 'down' at a given time
• that he'd posted a sign at work to collect donations for a cause I cared about, and now the only problem was finding a truck big enough to transport it all this was the lie that led to the end
• that he'd met the Queen
• that he'd been commissioned to make artwork for Harry and Megan -- and a special concierge for the Queen had come for tea to pick it up
• that he got shot at in this bad neighbourhood this one time
• that a candidate in a local election campaign had some specific and objectionable position
• that he'd talked to so-and-so, and such-and-such had happened, and isn't that awesome/awful/stupid/tremendous
• that some awful person had hit the front of our car in the parking lot and never left a note (but it's okay because he filed a report with the cops, who won't be able to do anything anyway)
• that gallery some-name had bought his artwork. But also the payment got screwed up.
• that his ex-wife had cheated on him continually
• that he'd done some-activity on any-random-day
• that he'd been asked to interview for a job at...
• that he'd messed up his knee and went to get it fixed, but his insurance didn't cover it, so he had to pull money out to pay for it
• that he had medical insurance
• that he'd been on the highway in Britain and his motorcycle broke down. On his way to get help he was hit by a car, and that's how his leg got messed up.
• that he'd looked for places to live after I was moving out but he couldn't find anything and so he needed to stay with me to avoid homelessness
• that he needed our cats to keep him in a good mental space (see above re. mental illness lies...)
• that he'd actually broken a rib in that car accident we'd just had, but don't worry he'd be okay
• that some FBI agents had interviewed him because Trump
• that he had $ pending with some lawsuits in PA but also who knows if/when that will appear because wouldn't you know it but the entire law from had been busted for I-forget-what
• that he'd divorced his wife many years before he met me
• that he loved me

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Editor's Note: IMPORTANT NOTE: TW: Animal Torture. If you don't want to ruin your day, I highly recommend that you don't go into the BOLA because it is speculated that OOP's ex was planning on using the kittens for coercion/torture if she didn't comply with his demands. Other people discuss abusive situations that they left after animal torture occurred. Please, do yourself a solid on this Saturday and do NOT go in and read that shit. I had to put my head down and cry after I finished this and I wish I'd have known what I was getting into before I read through the BOLA post.

Relevant Comments from the BOLA of the update:

• Commenter wonders what she means by he’s mentally ill and not in the way she thought. OOP: At the time of the original post he was still lying to me and had me partially convinced that he was suffering from delusions and some other issues. While I couldn't be sure what the truth was, he was very good at playing the part. Now that I have some time and distance, I can see the BS. He may very well be a legit narcissistic sociopath, and he has some brain damage that has limited his impulse control. He is still pushing the delusion angle, but it is decidedly false.
• Commenter: I’m curious. What kind of evidence do you have to show in order to get an annulment like that? OOP: As you saw from another comment, there are some restrictions around it. For the fraudulent coercion clause to go into effect, you have to argue that if you'd known X, then you would not have entered into the marriage. And the X is typically related to significant financial obligations or mental illness. In my case I offered four specific things that I felt met this requirement: (1) timing of his divorce from his ex-wife (2) lying about being well-treated for specific mental illness, (3) lies about employment, and (4) lies about having comprehensive health insurance coverage. Ultimately the one that stuck was about the mental health diagnosis and associated lies. I'd have to check paperwork for the exact way it was written up, but honestly that didn't matter to me. What mattered to me was getting the annulment, and what mattered to him was how it was articulated in the official paperwork. And in that respect we both got what we wanted.
• Also, on the 'get out now or you can't get the annulment' thing ... I now understand that this is not quite as immediately urgent as some might indicate. If you find things out and then stick around to try to work things out -- then later try to get the annulment...it won't work out for you. But I could have remained in my apartment with him for the few months after everything fell apart, and there wouldn't have been an issue. It just had to be clear that the things I found out were genuine deal-breakers from the outset. I'm glad I didn't fully understand that, though, because it would have been 100 times worse for me if I'd not managed to move out fairly quickly, and was stuck living with him over that period. The two weeks while I was still there very nearly did me in as it was.
• Commenter asks how she originally discovered the deceit and how long it took her to come to grips with the level of deceit. OOP: His lies and fabrications started before we met, and were on a rather large scale. Ultimately things fell apart because he made too many promises he couldn't keep. I had questions in the past, but had managed to move past them. This time it was just too much, and I asked him for evidence. I felt absolutely terrible, but I wanted a picture of something, just to allay my fears. He provided the picture but there was a small element that didn't quite fit. Again feeling like a terrible person I did a reverse image search and discovered it wasn't his picture. This led to more lies, as he quickly fabricated new layers to make the things I'd found out more palatable. But he took a route that meant there were questions about what was true and what he'd imagined. That led to me pulling at some threads in an attempt to help him put some pieces together (I know, right...). In the process I reached out to some people who were supposedly part of his life, and everything began to tumble in on itself. After a few days I had a more complete story and that was it. Except...it took quite awhile to consistently remember that he was not the person I thought he was. All told I think it took about 6 months to totally come to terms with it. And even now there are occasional moments where I have to explicitly remind myself that he's not actually person A, but is actually Sir Turd Face the Undesirable.
• He used to tell me about a time when his ex-wife had said something to him along the lines of "I wish you had died." I of course thought that was horrible and couldn't imagine why someone would say something like that -- but since she was such a bad person then of course it makes sense. Then I found everything out. And whether she actually ever said this to him or not, I 100% understand why she would have said it.

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I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

The original poster is u/PopRocks241. Originally posted 3 years ago in r/legaladvice.