I am not the original poster. This is the repost.

Originally posted by u/woozlefangirl. Originally posted on r/relationships.

I [22F] am getting married soon. My mom had an affair 5 years ago and destroyed our family. We are slowly rebuilding a relationship but it's not close. Dad just told me if she's at the wedding he can't come. Help me!

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4j727c/i_22f_am_getting_married_soon_my_mom_had_an/

I am a long time lurker but a first time poster. I never thought I would be posting to Reddit, but here we are!

Quick side note, I know my fiance and I are very young but we have been together for years and were friends since childhood before we became a couple. Also, hate to say it, but we are religious and it's common in our culture to marry young. We've been through both pre-marital and financial counseling so we feel very prepared :)

Anyways, my issue at hand has to do with the wedding. My fiance, "Steve" and I are getting married in 8 months. We don't have a lot of money and honestly neither of us can stand fancy-do's so we are having a very private ceremony with only his best man and my maid of honor as witnesses and then we are having a tiny reception afterwards with only 50 people total. So obviously this is going to be quite an intimate reception.

Here is the thing. My parents can't really stand each other. Or at least my dad can't stand my mom. Five years ago, in my last year of high school, my mother was caught having an affair with her married coworker. It destroyed my parents marriage.

My father became a changed man. He was always a happy and confident outgoing guy but he became quiet, withdrawn and just...empty. It's killed me seeing him like this.

My mother moved out because me and my younger brother (who was 15 at the time) basically told her to GTFO. I have always been close with my mom, loved her to pieces, but finding out about her affair and seeing what it did to my dad (I've always known my dad to adore my mother) nuked my relationship with her.

My brother and I went no contact with her for about a year. I finally relented when I sent her an invitation to my high school graduation, but made it clear her partner was not invited. My brother took a little longer to come around but he talks to her from time to time. Both of us told the judge we wanted to live with our dad full time which was granted to us.

My relationship with my mother is still strained and distant. I know she wants more, she's constantly trying to talk to me and she sobbed in relief when I sent her my graduation invite after not talking to her for almost a year, but I keep her at arm's length and merely make polite casual conversation now and again. I still love my mother and I don't want to cut her out completely but this is as close as I want her and I will never again have a close relationship with her.

As for her affair partner (apparently they are still together after his wife caught and divorced him) I have never met him and made it clear to my mother I do not want to. If Mom and I meet for coffee or anywhere he is not to come, I refuse to see pictures or discuss him with her. If she brings him up I immediately change the subject. I have no idea if my mom is happy with him, if they doing well, etc. I frankly don't care.

As for my father...in a way we are closer but he clearly has his issues. It's been 5 years and he's clearly not over the cheating and divorce. He's not angry or bitter about it, just very sad and depressed. He won't call my mom or her lover by their names. He calls them "he/him" and "she/her." He hasn't dated once since the divorce either.

He won't be around her. For my graduation, they had to be at polar opposite ends of the bleachers and I had to have my phone on me so I could text my mom when she was allowed to approach and congratulate me and then so I could text my dad to let him know my mom left. It will be this way when I graduate college as well.

So, my question goes to my wedding. After I told my dad what Steve and I had planned for our wedding and reception he got very quiet and asked if I planned on inviting "her and him."

I said yes I would probably invite my mom even though her partner is not invited. My dad quietly said it's rude to only invite one half of a couple. He then said he didn't think he could come if she was going to be there. That maybe he could be there before or after she comes, but he just doesn't think he could interact with her in such a close setting.

I was floored and very hurt. I told my dad I would think about it.

Steve and I need to start sending out save-the-dates pretty soon so we need to get this resolved. I've talked about this with Steve and while he is very sweet and says he will fully support me no matter what decision I make, that I'm the only one who can make this choice.

I also talked to my brother about it and he says he will show up no matter what but he won't have much to do with our mother (if she's invited) beyond basic courtesies and that he understands dad's position but thinks he's being kind of ridiculous. He also said technically it's rude to not invite her boyfriend but it's also pretty rude to destroy two families by having an affair with another married man so her boyfriend can go fuck himself and Mother can shove wedding etiquette up her ass. Personally he'd prefer I not invite her either but it's my wedding and I can do what I want and he will roll with it (my brother is a very blunt man and has not been as forgiving of the affair as I have).

So now I'm stuck. On the one hand if we are being honest, I really do want to invite my mother to my wedding reception. I absolutely WILL NOT invite her boyfriend regardless of how tacky it seems. He is not and will never be a part of our family. And honestly, I'm kind of angry with my dad. Believe me, I understand his pain and hurt but it's been 5 years and I think he needs to start moving on. It's fine if he doesn't like Mom, I don't much like her either, but to boycott my own wedding because she might be coming?!? Get over yourself! It's like his hurt feelings are more important than his only daughter's wedding! He really can't suck it up and just be in a reception hall with her for a few hours?

On the other...I really love my dad. I hate seeing him hurt, I can't stand causing him pain. If I absolutely have to choose between my two parents I will pick my father every time. Despite him being kind of a wet blanket about the wedding he's a good man with a good heart. My dad and I are very close and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with him and I would much rather he be at my wedding than my mother. Plus I'm thinking since I refuse to invite my mom's boyfriend and it really is considered a wedding faux pas I just shouldn't invite her altogether. I really don't want my dad to not come.

But, despite how my mom and I are not and will never be close again and how I think she's getting her just desserts for having an affair...I don't want to hurt her by not inviting her altogether.

I'm well and truly stuck. I don't know what to do and honestly I've broken down crying over this a few times because it's just so stressful and I feel caught in the middle between two people I love. Please help Reddit.

TL;DR Mom had an affair 5 years ago and parents divorced. Mom and I have somewhat reconciled but we aren't very close. I am getting married. My dad is not angry but told me he doesn't think he can come to my tiny reception if my mom will be there. I want to invite both my parents but feel torn. My mother's lover is not invited regardless of decisions.

Relevant Comments:

• She was actually a pretty great Mom until the affair but it could be she's an asshole AND a good mother.
• I went to my own personal therapy during and after the divorce and reflecting back on it my dad was always very good to my mom, showed her lots of affection, gave praise, helped her when she was sick, would spontaneously buy her flowers and other presents etc. But my mom never really reciprocated. It's always been obvious to me my dad adored my mom but thinking back, I wasn't ever sure she loved him because she certainly never showed it.
• My therapist also pointed out that people can be good parents but also terrible partners and/or people outside of that role and that honestly helped me come to terms with getting over the affair between reconciling the mother I knew who I loved and was close with and this selfish person who did a terrible thing to our family. I really think she is one of those people my therapist described (good parent, bad partner and/or person) and that the two aren't mutually exclusive or inclusive.

UPDATE: I [22F] am getting married soon. My mom had an affair 5 years ago and destroyed our family. We are slowly rebuilding a relationship but it's not close. Dad just told me if she's at the wedding he can't come. Help me!

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4m36af/update_i_22f_am_getting_married_soon_my_mom_had/

Hi everyone. Sorry I took so long to post but I got very busy, part of which was spent graduating college so I'm glad THAT's finally out of the way. Here is the link for those who need a recap:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4j727c/i_22f_am_getting_married_soon_my_mom_had_an/

WARNING: This is a VERY long update. Also this post is probably going to get flamed. Judging how the comments went down as more time went on the longer my post was up, this is probably going to anger many people. But there were also lots of nice and helpful people too, especially u/RememberKoomValley.

So I was reading all the comments and the more time went on the more angry and upset I became. People eventually started saying why should parents always have to sacrifice for children, some said I was being a bridezilla and only caring about my day (of course I care! It's my wedding! It's supposed to be a once in a lifetime event that I want to share with everyone!), many people said my dad had depression and my mother's actions were so evil he was forever off the hook for good. Everyone was giving suggestions on how I could meticulously plan the days to rotate everyone and I felt like screaming.

Steve eventually told me to get off of Reddit because he hated seeing me so upset. I couldn't even say exactly WHY I was upset. I just was. Steve said maybe I should go back to my old therapist that I had when my parents got divorced and talk it out with her. To me, this seemed like a great idea. I called her up and asked to have an appointment, despite finals being right around the corner.

So I went and EVERYTHING came out. How much I hurt still from what Mom did and how we can never be close again. And honestly how ANGRY I am at my father. I never really realized it, but I've gotten so furious and resentful of him. How he never even TRIED to get out of his funk, how dejected he acted if mom somehow came up, how he never said anything DIRECTLY bad about her but subtly made me feel so guilty for loving her. Acting mopey, going from fine to depressed if she somehow came up, how I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him and how he gets a free pass because he got cheated on; Something that happens to tons of people every day.

I talked and talked and talked. I made a couple more appointments. I got through finals (I want to shout out to Steve here. He is the only reason I got through it all, passed, and got my degree. He is an incredible human being.)

The tipping point was my graduation day. Once again, my father made it clear Mom couldn't be sat near him and he couldn't be near her at all. I had to text her when she could come talk to me and had to text him once she left.

Her boyfriend was, of course, not invited. But it was so embarrassing having to contact the officials in charge of the ceremony and ask if my tickets could be changed so my parents could sit far away from each other. They were kind and understanding but that's when I began to get very very angry. My mom has no problem with my dad. She doesn't mind being near him even though she doesn't love him. I began to think how I'm going to have to rearrange ALL my milestones. My marriage, when I have children, my children's christenings and birthday parties...etc.

Graduation was miserable. I couldn't look in any one direction to see my family as I got my degree and walked the stage because they had to be spread out.

I had to make sure my phone was on me and fully charged so I could coordinate my mother and father's locations. It was so awkward mingling with one group and then my mother, knowing both groups were waiting to have their turn.

My brother interacted with my mother and he was kind of cold but cordial nonetheless. My mother made no complaints, didn't try to argue or force herself in there, and patiently waited for her "turn" even though I could tell she was dying to spend more time with me. Pictures had to be rotated. I couldn't have ONE with all my family in there. My father was constantly texting during my time with her asking if she had left yet and if he could come back now.

It seemed so...CHILDISH. Honestly, the rest of my family could tolerate my mother being around. After all, the divorce was YEARS ago. It's time to start getting over it and moving on with life. It was only because of my DAD that I couldn't relax and just be happy and enjoy my graduation with my family.

I was supposed to go to dinner with my dad, boyfriend and other family after graduation to celebrate. I told them I felt very sick and I needed to go home. I just didn't want to be around anyone anymore.

Steve just held me while I bawled my eyes out. I hadn't cried that hard in years. I met with my therapist a couple more times. This is turning into a novel so I will summarize what I came to realize in therapy:

While the initial anger and hate I felt for my mom was real, I never stopped loving her. But, I felt like because my dad had been wronged, I had to take "his side." My dad has always made me feel guilty for loving my mother still. While his actions have never been overt, it has been very subtle manipulation. I felt like I had to give my dad cart blanche whatever he wanted because if I didn't I felt like I would lose him too. That he would reject and have nothing to do with me if I didn't practically ostracize my mother. My mother was at one point my best friend and that's gone. I couldn't stand losing BOTH my parents. So dad has gotten whatever he wanted. And I'm realizing that in a subtle way, Dad has been manipulating my brother and I to treat our mother terribly for years to punish her. My dad has always been a super passive aggressive guy. It's nothing new. He's always guilt tripped people and made these little comments that twist people up and hurt them. It's his form of control.

I love both my parents. My mother did a terrible horrible thing but my dad is no saint either. My mom was just more upfront about her awfulness.

My therapist and Steve also pointed out that if my dad IS truly depressed or emotionally damaged etc. he has never sought to get help for it. Instead he has projected his problems and pain onto everyone else and made it their burden instead of taking responsibility for himself and attempting to go on with life and that is not ok.

I called my mom and asked her over for tea.Steve left to give us privacy. I could list everything we said and talked about but it would make the post longer. Basically my mom never loved my dad and should never have agreed to marry him. My dad knew mom didn't love him but didn't care and insisted she would love him eventually. Some very eye opening things were said that made sense.

My mother never trash talked my dad (never has) but she gave insights as to why the affair happened. She says she understands it's no excuse for what she did and she is so very sorry for her own selfishness and weakness.

Basically both my parents are human and mistakes were made from both sides. My mom had the affair yes, but it's not like my dad was the perfect man either.

While I still will never again be close to my mom perhaps I don't need to be quite as harsh with her as I have been. We will still be low contact but I did decided I DO want her there for the wedding and for the birth of any children I have, etc. I love my mom. Always have and always will. She may not have been a good wife but she WAS an excellent mother and I don't want to cut her out completely. I think my kids lives will be more enriched having her in it.

My mother started crying when I told her she was invited to the wedding (even though I made it clear to her her boyfriend is not invited. She didn't argue with me on that at all) and said she thought I had asked her to my house to tell her I would NOT be inviting her and she had been prepared to accept that rejection and understand it. I did tell her that if dad was there she was to stay away from him and not try to mend any fences at my wedding. She says she understands completely and will mingle with my grandparents (her parents) and my aunts, uncles and cousins (her siblings and their children). I made it clear to my mother that if she even attempted to talk to dad or any of his family she would be thrown out. She agreed without question.

Steve and I had a final sit down before I called my dad. I asked him to please give me his honest opinion. Steve relented and said while he thought my mother had done the inexcusable, she actually seemed remorseful and willing to accept the consequences of her actions and to move on and that my dad, while a nice guy, came off as way too sensitive and just weak. He said that my dad didn't cheat but he had caused me a lot of pain and anxiety since the divorce and it made him very angry and it was getting hard to like or tolerate my dad and that his family felt the same way, that my dad was actually a master bully in disguise as a super nice guy.

I called my dad and asked to come over and that I needed to talk about something. I sat him down in his living room (so this talk was in his space where he could retreat if he needed to) and said basically "Dad. I love you so so much. You mean the world to me. But after the fiasco of my graduation I've come to realize I have had enough of feeling like I have to pick sides for you and mom. I'm sorry what happened Dad. I really am. But that was 5 years ago. You lost a wife, but I didn't lose a mom. I'm sure you don't mean to, but you've been making me feel like I can't be close with you if I want to have any kind of relationship with mom.If it's still impossible to even be in the room with her dad, then maybe you need to talk to someone so you can start feeling better and not be in so much pain. Is there some kind of abuse that happened that you're not telling me about that makes this impossible?"

My dad seemed shocked and then started to get REALLY upset and basically said mom had never hit him or anything but that "she cheated and broke his heart and that was reason enough to cut her out"

Dad also said I couldn't understand because I hadn't been cheated on, I didn't know what real love was and also implied it was MY fault and my brothers fault because "if we weren't a part of their relationship he could move on" but we always remind him of her and what they had, how because of us he can't make a clean break since she's in our lives etc.

I'm sure many redditors will disagree but this is my dad being typically passive. Insinuating that because my brother and I exist he can't get better because we are reminders of mother and it's our fault we exist so he can't cut her out totally. I realize that my dad thinks that if he can get me and my brother to cut my mom out, not only will he succeed in punishing her but he can have us all to himself and not have to share with her and deal with his hurt. He's getting us to do the dirty work for him so he doesn't have to take responsibility.

I told my dad that I loved him and wanted him at the wedding but Mother is invited. Her boyfriend isn't but she is. I told dad that I had talked to her and I promised him she would leave him alone and stay away from him and his family and could he not just put aside differences for a few hours to celebrate with me and Steve on our day?

He said absolutely not and that I was being unfair and insensitive and that my mom had poisoned me against him. That he wasn't the cheat and she needed to deal with what she had done and not come and by inviting her I was clearly supporting her cheating and that we couldn't be close if that was the case because I was being too much like her.

I had had enough. I stood up and said, "Dad, Steve and I really want you there. You are free to come or not. I love you. But if you don't come, it will absolutely affect our relationship going forward. I am not doing anymore separate celebrations or events. People can either come or stay home for weddings, parties, births and whatever. It's getting ridiculous and I'm sick of being in the middle. The rest is up to you and Mom."

Then I left. I haven't heard from my dad since. That's been hard, but I feel like I did the right thing.

I also called my brother and told him everything that happened. My brother was very quiet. He then said while he still hates our mom for what she did and thinks she's a whore that maybe there is more to this than he realized and that he thinks our dad is being a selfish jerk and needs to get over himself. He said it's fine mom is coming to the wedding and that he would be nice to her.

So that's that. I'm sure many will disagree and be angry with me but Steve and I feel we made the right call. Steve loves and supports me and that's all that matters. I talked to my therapist about it and she said it's possible I was harsh but that maybe my dad needed to hear that since he has been coddled and enabled for five years.

I am fully prepared for my dad to not show up. If he doesn't it's his loss. Thanks again to everyone who gave me input, some of your comments were very eye opening. I may post an update in the future after the wedding but I haven't decided yet.

TL;DR Broke down and went to therapy. Realized my dad is very passive aggressive and manipulative. My graduation day was horrible but a catalyst to realize things can't continue this way and I'm tired of being in the middle. Had a heart to heart with mom, realized my parents relationship is not a case of saint vs. sinner but two people who are human and made mistakes. Told mom she's invited but boyfriend is not and she will be asked to leave if she approaches my dad or any of his family. Talked to dad and told him he's hurting me with his behavior and it needs to stop. My dad is not speaking to me and there's a good chance he will boycott the wedding. Talked to brother and he supports me and says dad is being unfair. I'm just happy I get to marry Steve and that I don't have to be stuck in bullshit drama anymore.

EDIT: wow this blew up! Thank you everyone who commented and offered a POV. Except for the people sending PM's of death threats. I've gotten at least half a dozen of those, plus calling me a whore (ironic since I'm a virgin) and hoping Steve cheats. You sound like lovely warm people full of happiness.

I wanted to point out some things that keep coming up:

1. Remember I come from a religion and culture that is very different from most people here. Divorce is shameful for us. It is humiliating. The only justifiable reason for divorce is an affair for our people. Divorce "because you're not happy" is not an excusable reason. An affair is the only way out. However, that being said, the person who commits the affair has just crippled themselves. Sex is very holy and pure in our religion and culture. It is to be between husband and wife only. That's it. And if you break up a marriage because of it you are forever blacklisted. While my mother could/should have gotten a divorce without having an affair, she STILL would have had a scarlet letter on her chest for getting divorced for "no reason" which is an ultimate act of selfishness. Marriage is very holy in our culture. To divorce for any reason other than an affair is "to be like an unbelieving sinner" which is, quite simply, not acceptable. I don't necessarily agree with this as I'm a little more liberal than the rest of my family and most people but it is what it is
2. My mother did NOT get off Scott free. She is no longer welcome in her church and none of her friends associate with her anymore. Her family, her friends, her church, her entire community has shunned her. She also lost her job because dipping your pen in company ink is expressly frowned upon at her former work place. Both she and her lover lost their jobs and had to find new ones
3. Many are saying I need to start including my moms partner in things and saying the fact she has been with him this whole time shows they have something special. It actually does not. I didn't put this in my post but my mom and I actually talked about her boyfriend for the first time. They are on the verge of breaking up and their relationship has been rocky for awhile. "P"'s family and friends have disowned him too. He is not of our religion or culture (double bogus for my mom for taking a lover outside the faith) but no one wants anything to do with P. His ex wife has made their lives hell and will not let him see his kids. When he does see them they treat my mother terribly and make their hatred known. P is also sick of being not invited to every family event on our side and says Mom needs to start demanding he be invited to things. Mom is of the view point that they brought misery on themselves and need to accept the consequences of their actions and furthermore knows that if she insisted on bringing P she would burn the last of the bridges she has with us and will not do that. P is sick of her "not putting him first" and their relationship is falling apart because of it. The only reason they have lasted this long is because my mom and P only have each other because no one else wants them. And they both know it. My mom actually does love her boyfriend but he does not love her anymore and she knows they aren't going to make it
4. Many are saying (even explicitly hoping) Steve cheats on me so I understand my dads pain because I clearly don't since I haven't been cheated on (hey that's what my dad said!). This experience has actually taught me the opposite. If Steve were to cheat I would be out of my mind with pain and hurt. I wouldn't be able to function. I don't blame my dad for being unable to be around my mother. At first. If I had children with Steve, as much as it would SUCK, I would put on my big girl pants and do what needed to be done for my kids. I've gotten plenty of comments and PM's from people who WERE cheated on and heartbroken and devastated...and they did what needed to be done. Since I now know what it's like to have parents that pick their pain over their kids I know I would NEVER want to put my kids through that. It's just basic human decency.
5. I am not on any parents side. I don't love either of my parents more nor do I think either should be demonized and bashed or out on a pedestal and coddled.My parents are human and imperfect. They are both great people. And they both have done some really shitty things. That's it and that's all