This is a repost sub. I am not the original poster.

This story was first posted a year ago by u/-bonita_applebum and then updated 6 months later by u/-bonita_applebum after u/sugarhoneyicetea1rrr let them know there were further updates.

Originally posted in r/relationships & r/relationship_advice by u/ThrowRA0727. Further updates were locked/deleted by mods and so posted by the OOP on their personal page.

I (32m) am in love with my former sister inlaw (27f)

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ik585r/redditors_wife_becomes_a_homeless_addict_and_hes/

I'm finally at a point where I can't stand this anymore. I've been in love with this woman for a very long time, maybe a couple of years at this point and I'm not sure if I should just kill it or attempt to make something with her.

I met my ex-wife, her sister, when I was 23-years-old and the relationship developed very quickly and by 26 I had my son and daughters and had gotten married. However, within months of being married my ex-wife had an affair, but worse than that the man she cheated with had gotten her into Heroin. After confronting her on this she said she was going to get help, but instead she left in the night. I haven't heard from her in 4 years and last I've heard she's still with that guy and are homeless in Las Vegas. Not sure how true that is, but being focused on holding it together for the kids, I really don't have the time to chase her down, nor do I want to after what she pulled.

I ended up getting a divorce in absentia. I did however maintain a very positive relationship with my in-laws after the fact. Every other weekend my kids stay over with their grandparents on that side and they pretty much treat me like a son still, I still go to parties at Christmas and am reasonably liked by the family. Nobody talks about my ex anymore mainly to not worry my kids. My oldest, my son is very hurt by his mother leaving. He's 9 now and I've had to get therapy for him after he told me he hoped his mother was dead. She had been getting verbally abusive toward the end which was when he was around 5 or 6

Anyhow, in the year following my ex leaving, her sister and my her boyfriend had started coming around a lot to see the kids. They knew I worked a lot and would babysit and call it practice as they wanted to have children of their own. My kids love them and were spoiled by them, which I didn't mind because we all needed a little positivity. They got married and were very in love. However, her husband was killed in a workplace accident shortly after the birth of their daughter.

It has been extremely rough and painful for everyone involved as one can imagine. I followed my Sil's example and began to take her daughter to give her time to herself if things got too hard to deal with or she needed alone time. She's been in grief counseling for a few years but she still wears her ring and has told me she can't ever imagine dating again. I talk to her about him frequently and she's gotten to a better place but she's still very much in love with him, I can't imagine that sort of pain.

Over the last two years we've been a more constant figure in each others lives. My kids love their aunt and I have her over for dinner a couple times a week. My daughter and her daughter have become close and love being around each other so they have sleepovers. I've moved on from my ex by this but the idea of dating possibly someone dangerous as their mother has kept me out of the dating scene.

I don't know when it happened, but slowly I began to get soft on my SIL. She's a great mom for what she's had happen to her. She's one of the sweetest people I know and her sense of humor always leaves me laughing and happy. Then I started realizing that I'm physically attracted to her. I've always felt kind guilty about it because her late husband was a good friend and since she's obviously is still grieving, so I've kept it to myself.

Since Covid started we've been together a bit more because social distancing has had us lose contact with most other people. Nothing romantic has ever been discussed and I try not to flirt, but last week it was very late and after the kids went to bed I made us a few drinks, not enough to get drunk but she decided she'd rather spend the night, so I took my couch. I woke up to breakfast this morning and the four of us felt like the sort of family I've always wanted. She even kissed my forehead which is not something she normally does. I still didn't say anything, but after she left I found my son quietly playing with his toys in his room. He looked upset so I asked him if he was alright.

He tells me point blank in the way only a kid can that he wishes Sil was his mother. I sat down with him and asked him why he thought that way and he gave a whole bunch of reasons her being nice to him, that she never yells about anything. He likes seeing her at his grandparents and she draws pictures with him, which I didn't know they did. By the end of it my heart that is already melting for this woman even more wound up.

When visiting dropping them off with their grandparents, I tried to breach the subject with her folks to kinda feel around how people would see. I made a joke about she and I acting like a married couple sometimes and they didn't laugh and were kind of stand offish, friendly but either they know something or they disapprove.

It's getting too hard for me to ignore or pretend it's not getting to me. I'm in love with her. Either I've got to kill it and find some way not to think of her, or I have to find some sort of way to navigate through this situation and tell her everything. If anybody out there has any insight on how to approach a widow, especially one who was married to a friend, with this sort of intention I could really use your help.

TLDR- Sil and I became close after my divorce to her sister and death of her husband. She's great with my kids. I'm in love and don't know how to proceed.

Relevant Comments:

• She (his SIL) hasn't talked to her sister for as long as I haven't which is like 3-4 years. My Ex-wife really plays no factor in my thinking.
• I've got a feeling she might feel the same way on some level though neither of us have expressed it. I've just tried to ignore it and try not to think about her like this, but it's getting difficult to ignore. If today she came up to me and told me she found someone I think I'd be a wreck. Most of the reason I made this post was to finally get it off my chest. I feel so in love, so guilty, and nervous. I'm never like this.
• I have a feeling that the inlaws would come around very quickly. They've never treated me badly even after my wife ran off. Up until Covid canceled everything I would catch the game with Fil and I'm still around on the holidays. My family really likes Sil too and she gets invites to my family parties. I think my inlaws may have seemed weird because the joke I made was poorly timed as she had mentioned recently spending the night at my place. Maybe they think we're already doing things and lying about it?

​

UPDATE- I (32m) am in love with my former sister inlaw (27f)

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ik0pnv/update_i32m_am_in_love_with_my_former_sister/

Firstly I'd like to thank everyone who gave me advice on how to proceed and ideas and things I could maybe say to my former SIL. What I ended up doing. Shortly after making the first post, I remembered that my children were spend Sunday night over their grandparents house, and typically when they do this, my niece, Sils daughter will join them. I allow these biweekly visits because I think it's important for them to maintain a healthy relationship with their mother's parents. And Sil let's her daughter go because she enjoys playing with my daughter. Well I realized we'd both have a free night. Normally I'd just game or hit the gym an extra night but I figured it would be the perfect opportunity to Sil without the kids being around.

So I sent her a text saying "Hey, kids are out this Sunday, was thinking you might wanna get dinner." It was a fairly upscale place that reopened two months or so ago for outdoor dining. I never ask her out to dinner and we're almost never alone together, or without a child in the other room. She says she'd love to and so my panic starts setting in because now I've gotta actually act on my feelings. I ask her if she'd prefer meeting at my place and taking one car or meeting at the restaurant, she says she'll come by my place first.

I'm a bit more cleaned up then normal, dressed up but not overly dressed. She show's up and my God, she's in a very nice evening dress, make up (Not something she normally wears.) really looking stunning. I must have been slack jawed for a second I had to be lol. We make a little small talk compliment how we look but I still don't have my nerve yet and she isn't pushing the issue.

Dinner is really wonderful, they had live jazz type group playing. Definitely coming back to this place. She tells me this is the first time she's really had an adult social outing that didn't involve her daughter in a few years and I mention that it's about as long for me. We're laughing, joking, talking, a little casual touching here and there. I can't seem to find my nerve though, I'm afraid of ruining this moment, so I just submit to having fun. But as we're leaving my mind snaps and I'm just like fuck it. And when we stand to go back to the car, I give her my arm and we walk back to the car arm and arm no awkwardness, nobody mentioning that it's happening. I open her door for her and I plan on driving her back to her car.

As I open the door she stops me. Looking sort of nervous, she just outright tells me to stop and that she want to kiss me. There was no alcohol at dinner so this is all her. So I pull her in and we kiss. I can barely describe how wonderful it felt to finally touch her. Well the kissing goes on outside this restaurant with her leaned against my car for at least a half and hour. When we finally break we share a few more dreamy looks before we get in the car and drive back to my place. She's holding my hand as I'm driving, I don't think I've ever been happier.

I confess to her that I've started having feelings for her a long time ago but what with the terrible things we went through I didn't want to scare her away. She tells me that she's carried a torch for about 6 months herself. At that time I had gone on a couple Tinder dates and since we were just friends I described what a mess of a time those dates were. She tells me she began feeling intensely jealous and angry that I was seeing these girls it was about that time it clicked in her mind that she had some how developed feelings for me. As it turns out I didn't approach her because of her late husband and she wasn't approaching me because she was afraid I'd see too much of her sister, my ex wife, in her and start to resent her for it.

I invited her in after we got back home and we decided to try and fight off the desire to jump straight into bed, and just sat on couch snuggling and talking about what we would need to do to make this a working relationship. There was some really teary moments there. We of course talked about her late husband a little and where she feels in the grief process saying I don't want to rush her and that I'm not going anywhere if she needs time I'll wait as long as she needs me to. She says that she feels like she's in a place where she could love again, that she's long past feeling guilty for having feelings for me, it was something she struggled with.

She then brought up her sister, and the obvious questions a few people asked in the comments. What would we do if ex ever decided to show her face around here again or try to get back into my kids life. What if she comes back reformed and apologetic would I take her back. I told Sil that's a hard no, that I've forgiven her for cheating on me, but I will never forgive her for what she did to my son. He was quite a sunshiny and happy boy before his mother started cheating, using, and lashing out at him. He's doing better now, but for a long while his behavior and negativity for somebody so young troubled me. Sil was concerned how he might react to her as unlike our respective daughters he is old enough to understand everything. I told her not to tell him as it might embarrass him, but not to long ago he told me his wished his Aunt was his Mom instead.

We said we were going to take it slow and not go too fast with things, but the kissing started again and since we were in private this time... we gave up the fight to stay out of the bedroom. I have had fantasies throughout the duration of my feelings for her, and getting to pet her face in the morning was one I finally got to live out. Moving forward, we are going to establish date nights and work on building on our already strong foundation. When we inevitably tell our folks we're a couple we're going to do it together. But that's where I'm at. That's it, that's my update. If this subbreddit allows maybe I'll do another to say how the parents, inlaws, and kids take the news. 2 years of wishing she was mine and now she is. Better not F this up.

TLDR- We're in love.

Relevant Comments:

• My folks will be happy. And talking with her on the phone today, she revealed that her mother two months ago cornered her and was asking if she and I were sleeping together. Apparently I haven't been so subtle when I look at her and her mother noticed that she "becomes a different person." when I'm around. So they suspect that stuff already happened lol.
• I will give that termination of rights bit some thought. I did tell her about what my son said and apparently he told her the same thing. She said she had to use the bathroom to cry. She almost cried telling me. "I wish you were my mom." She tells me that it hurt her in a few ways. 1- She had feelings for me and really did wonder what things would be like if we had kids. She was hurt thinking it wouldn't ever happen. 2-She sees how much her sister hurt my boy to make him wish for a different mother. 3-Because she was happy he loved her that much.
• When someone mentioned that even if his ex-wife came back, she'd probably have a pretty frosty reception: Who can know how that will go. My Son probably won't want to see her, my daughter won't know who she is unless I tell her, and I'm certainly not going to make it easy for her to get at them. Who knows what the inlaws will do. Sure they are disgusted with how she left, but if she was to turn up completely clean and reformed after 4 years they'll probably embrace her. God knows they're worried about her as any good parents would be. And then there's the matter of GF and I having to come forward to her like hi... this is a thing now, which everybody with 2 brain cells knows is going to be just a complete shitshow.

1 Week Update- I(32M) am in love with my former sister in law(27f)

https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA0727/comments/inyuem/1_week_update_i32m_am_in_love_with_my_former/

TLDR at the Bottom, this is quite long.

Edit- I forgot to add that I am referring to my ex-wife as Jessica and my Sister inlaw, who I had been calling Sil, to Silvia because funny.

Well we've told everyone, and for the most part it's gone over fairly well. When our respective kids were with my inlaws, Silvia and I went to go see my parents. They've met her a handful of times but they don't really know her too well as my inlaws and my family rarely attended mutual functions. They at least recognized who she was. My dad isn't a particularly sentimental person so I have no idea what he thinks about it, but my mother is on board. She did ask "Does Jess know?" and we told her that I haven't even spoken with her in 4 years and Silvia hasn't heard from her in two, that we'd Cross that bridge when we got to it. Other then that my folks just seemed happy for me.

Yesterday we attended a small family gathering for labor day at my inlaws. We knew the reception here would be a little more chilly as they're all also related to my ex-wife. My parents did us the favor of taking the kids to the zoo for the afternoon and ice cream too. We arrived at the party together and of course everybody is wondering where the kids are. Felt like a million things were telling me not to do this, by I took her by the hand and we both explained the kids were not here because we intended on telling everyone that we are now a couple. This wasn't a huge crowd, maybe like 8 people but it really felt like I announced it to a stadium.

I don't know how we expected it to go but several of her aunts were very pleased with this. We got some hugs. At first nobody even mentioned my Ex-wife. They were just happy because they had all settled on Silvia just never dating again. It was only Mil that caused any issues. She told the party that she knew we were an item because I was always giving her "Puppy dog eyes" and told them Silvia talked about me nonstop. She asked for how long we had been dating in secret and I told her only a week. She scoffed and told me that she didn't think starting a relationship off by lying would be a smart move. She then accused, albeit it in a joking manner to the guests that Silvia and I had vanished at a pool party in June to "Smooch"

Her mother and father asked to talk with us after the party and asked us just how serious things were, and like my parents asked whether my ex-wife knew or not. When I said no and that her opinion shouldn't matter given she abandoned her family 4 years ago, they said they would be more comfortable with everything if I was to tell Jessica that I am now dating her sister. They are both intensely afraid that my ex will return sober and renewed, make an attempt to make amends, discover that I am now in love with her younger sister and relapse. It sounded to me as if they knew something I didn't and as it turns out Jess has been calling and talking to them for a year now and they just haven't told me, I was upset they kept this from me. Silvia was very upset too, because not once after her husband's death has Jess ever tried to call her.

They show me her Facebook profile, the one she blocked me from and there she is looking pretty normal, not like a burned out husk. I have to admit that seeing her not looking like the junkie she became when she left made me feel a little better and Silvia too. Her parents kept their contact with her a secret because she is ashamed of what she's done and feels that she's deserved to lose her kids and and couldn't face them after all that happened. Silvia's parents gave me her phone number and asked that I please call her and speak with her. I told her that my feelings for Silvia are real and there is no chance I reconcile with Jess. Fil seemed to nod in approval, but Mil honestly looks like she was hoping we'd fix things.

After we left I talked to Silvia about it, and though we discussed it before, a circumstance where Jess returns, we decided to revisit the conversation in light of these new revelations. I told Sil that I am in love with her, my whole heart is hers and that my feelings of love for her are something deeper and stronger than anything I ever felt for my ex-wife. She ends up crying from the stress of the situation, anger with her parents for keeping secrets, and anger with her sister for not calling her or offering condolences at all after her husband's death. She then admits that she is afraid I might leave her if her sister returns and I assure her this will never happen. It took some long hugs and a lot of kisses to smooth over the situation but by the time we went to pick up the kids, we were holding hands together again and feeling more connected than ever.

She's been spending the night at my place pretty frequently since we've been together. So the kids don't see anything I've been setting my alarm for 5 in the morning, getting up and moving to the couch. Well the morning after we decided to tell the little ones what is going on. Our daughters seemed very happy but they are too young to really grasp what's actually taking place, all they know is they can play together more. I did take my son aside, just me and him and asked him if he was okay with this and what he thought about it. He asked if we'd all be living together, I told him maybe someday. He asked if this made his aunt his stepmom now and I said he's free to call her what he's comfortable with and I will respect it and she would too because we both love him.

He then asked me a lot of questions about his own mother, things he had never asked me before and I answered pretty much everything he wanted to know. I toned some of my answers down a bit. He's learned a little about the dangers of drugs from school programs and I was finally honest to that degree when I told him his mom had a problem and she made some bad choices. He asked me why his mother didn't love him and that broke my heart. I assured him the best I could that his mother did love him, she had just made a lot of terrible mistakes and that sometimes adults just don't do the right thing when they should. He asked me if I still loved her. I told him that I hoped she would get better and that I don't want her to be sick anymore, but that she hurt me and him so badly that I couldn't love her like I did before. I'm not sure he got all of that, but I tried explaining it to him the best I could. All that aside he has been so much happier and less withdrawn since Silvia has been with us and he's always going out of his way to do all the typical kid stuff to impress her that I did with my own Mom.

At the end of the day I still have that phone call with the ex to dread. But, having Silvia with me, being able to kiss her and hold her at night, it really puts some joy back into me that's been gone for a very long time. I don't think I even knew how unhappy I had been all these years until I realized how happy she made me feel. We've been doing all the happy young lover stuff. She's been leaving me love letters in my work lunchbox, even little poems, and I had flowers sent to her place of work. She mentioned she had told me that a few of the ladies at work had been trying to get her to ask me out for several months, so I figured the flowers would both make her happy and be a firm thank you wink to the office girls lol.

Thank you for everyone who commented or sent me messages on the first and second posts, they really made my day and helped me keep my cool to confess to her. Feel free to ask me anything, but I think this just about does it for my updates.

TLDR- Girlfriend's family accepted the relationship with some reservations, my family accepted it as it was, Our children seemed pleased with the arrangement, and I'm looking at having to face my Ex-wife over this for the first time in 4 years.

Relevant Comments:

• My son does see a therapist and has been seeing one for the last year. After my ex left he would wake up crying at night and at first I thought it was just nightmares and sometimes it was. But I remember crying like a baby the night I came in and when I asked him what was wrong he said "I was afraid mommy was going to hurt me again." Through therapy he's said he was never actually hit him, but she pinched him a lot and threatened to hit him if he said anything. I can't understand who she became. She always loved him so much until I discovered her affair and then she was like a monster. He's sooo much happier now and I've been trying my best to show him I love him a lot, though I'm not a particularly emotionally outward person in my day to day, Also when speaking to my Ex I am going to do it with Silvia so she knows exactly what is being said so she isn't afraid of me leaving her. Any text I get from Ex I'll show as soon as I can, and if she happens to call me I'll disclose what was said and when. Not because she'd ask that of me, but just because I want her to know there's no room in my heart for anyone but her.
• In response to asking what the kids call Silvia: They call her Aunty. Her daughter calls me uncle. I doubt my ex will be a problem for some time. She lives in Vegas now and I live nowhere remotely near there. I've found out through a little Facebook stalking that she's not with the creep she left me for anymore.. I'll be honest I really don't want to talk to her. She's been avoiding me for years and I really don't want to make her focus on me and come out of hiding. Besides how do I even approach that "Hey... girl who abandoned me. I don't know if you know, but we're divorced now. Yeah... and before you here it from anyone else, I've been spending time with your younger sister. Yes the one you've had jealousy issues with before."

A few months later update- I (32m) am in love with my former sister inlaw (27f)

https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA0727/comments/k19auu/well_hell_the_mods_locked_my_posts_again_for_no/

People have been asking me for an update for a couple months now so I figured I'd finally sit down and do one. This is the link to the original post. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/iicquc/i32m_am_in_love_with_my_former_sister_inlaw27f/

Edit my first update is here. https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA0727/comments/ikcsvt/update_i32m_am_in_love_with_my_former_sister_in/

What you're about to read is a comment I wrote like last week and I've just copied and pasted it as it's pretty much good enough to be a post. It details for the phone call with my ex wife went and a little more info.

I did talk to her back in September, I keep going to write an update for this, but life got pretty hectic. I did write like a ten paragraph update like a month ago, but my laptop crashed I lost it and got discouraged. The Ex-wife is in a much better place and is in recovery. 8 months clean by this point. She finally told me the details of the affair and how things happened, how she got into drugs. Not stuff I really wanted to hear, but she's trying to get her life together and as much as I dislike the things she's done to me and the kids I want her to get healthy. I shouldn't but I worry about her still sometimes.

Anyhow I got around to telling her about Silvia and I and she was dumbfounded by it. When I first met my ex she was 19 and Silvia was 14 and in her mind she always viewed her as a kid in regards to me, which to be fair I did used to refer to Silvia and her 'kid sister.' but when she remembered that her sister is a fully grown adult who was married and had a child that her hinting I was a creep stopped. She did ask if I had feelings for her while I was married and I denied that. We talked about the kids and she was really regretful and crying throughout the conversation. She has no idea how she'd be able to face them again. I wanted to say something reassuring, but I don't want to give her the impression that I want her in their lives. Cordial, even friendly, but I'm not going to be stupid.

She and Silvia talked for a while too. I didn't eavesdrop intentionally, but from the bits I heard and what I was told, they talked about Silvia's husband. As it turns out my ex had gotten arrested for a BnE that week and spent it in jail. She didn't even know he passed until a couple weeks after the funeral and by that point she felt saying anything would make things worse. Things went as well as could be expected.

Silvia, the three kids, and I have been spending almost everyday together and I haven't been happier in years. My son and daughter love all the motherly attention they've been getting and I'm really loving getting to learn more about my little niece. Life's good. Busy, but it's good. Thanks for asking. I might just copy and paste this as my update lol

Alright that was my comment update and nothing has really changed in the week since I wrote it. If anybody has any questions or comments I'd be happy to answer what I can when I can, but during this season my workload increases dramatically and I don't have as much time to be on here as I did when I first posted. I'm so glad I got up the nerve to try with her. I love her so much. I'd been so long without a romantic partner, that I forgot what being in love, or feeling loved felt like. Now that I remember, it's shocking to me I didn't realize how alone and miserable I really was. I mean for Christ sake we played Scrabble last night and for some reason it made me ridiculously happy lol.

​

1 year update- I(32m) am in love with my former sister inlaw(27f)

https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA0727/comments/p63vg9/mods_removed_but_here_1_year_update_i32m_am_in/

OG-Post- https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/iicquc/i32m_am_in_love_with_my_former_sister_inlaw27f/

It has nearly been a year since my former sister-inlaw, Silvia, decided to begin dating. For anyone not familiar with the story a quick TLDR. I have two children and had been married to her sister, my ex-wife. A combination of cheating, drug abuse, and child abuse ended that relationship. The ex ran off to another state with her lover. I remained on good terms with her family as they all took my side. Silvia and her late husband became very close to me, but we tragically lost him to a workplace accident. Silvia in the years following that became close as our daughter's are best friends and eventually she and I both developed romantic feelings for each other.

A year later and we are living together and I couldn't be happier. We're currently living together and are in the market for a new home. Our children are really benefiting from having two parents around to care for them. Our daughters have begun to call each other sisters and my son is accepted in the same way. They're basically just normal siblings. It is interesting with my son. When he is talking to his friends or teacher he refers to Silvia as his Mom, but when calling her or talking to her he still calls her aunty, and our daughters are the same as I am uncle. It confuses some people we meet, but it's always an interesting story to tell.

We haven't had much contact with my ex-wife since my last post, though from what we hear she's doing much better. Has a halfway decent job, a boyfriend, and is keeping clean. I don't like to think about her being reintroduced into my children's lives, but if she continues to be a clean and well-rounded person, it will make it much harder for me to deny her visitation should she seek it. Not just from a legal standpoint, but from a moral one as well. Neither Silvia and I look forward to that day, but the worries seem way off.

Her parents have stopped their prodding into our business and haven't tried to force the ex back into our lives as we feared. Our kids spend the weekend with them now as my two were already doing that before hand. So Silvia and I get to spend Friday night and most of Saturday to go on dates and have some alone time. Our mutual friends were all pretty surprised by this and have been very supportive as well. They try to be polite and not mention my ex-wife, but every so often it does come up. Mostly everyone is just happy that we've found happiness together.

One side of the family that I failed to mention in all of this was the family of her late husband. As you might expect her daughter still sees them regularly, and they are very happy and accepting of the relationship. His father even told me point blank that he was glad it was me, because he thought he would hate his daughter-inlaw bringing some strange man into his granddaughter's life. We haven't had many gatherings of course because of Covid but the few get togethers we have had have included them, and will always include them.

Speaking of her late husband, Silvia and I have talked quite a bit about our feelings and she's even had me come along to one of her therapy sessions, because despite everything going so well, and the immense and wonderful love we have for each other, his memory and presence will always be a part of our lives. She decided on her own that out of respect for me she had to take her wedding band off, something that caused a lot of sadness as you can imagine. I told her that she didn't need to do this and were we to get married, she's got two hands. After I said this she began to wear it on a necklace instead. She wears an engagement ring now. I don't have any crazy story on how the engagement went down I didn't spring it on her in some crazy public spectacle, but there were tears and hugs and kisses.

If you've got any questions I'd be happy to answer them. Thank everyone so much for all the positive words of encouragement.