I am not the original poster.

The original poster us u/Throwawayawayawyy. These posts were posted seven years ago on r/relationships.

TW: Domestic Violence

My [35 M] wife [32 F] of five years is choosing to place our son [3 months M] in daycare even though we agreed that she would stay home with him.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2g1exs/my_35_m_wife_32_f_of_five_years_is_choosing_to/

My wife knows my reddit account, therefore a throwaway.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. Before we got married, we discussed having children and what we would do. My wife said she would love to be a stay at home mother and we both agreed that it would be easier for her to take off work for a year or two for the babies. Then she would return to work.

After my wife had our son three months ago, she has completely changed. She had to be on bed rest for the last two months of her pregnancy and she has been out of work for 5 months now on maternity leave. After she had the baby, she started to complain about finances and our bank accounts, saying they were too low even though just 9 months before they were well enough to have a child (we didn't touch our savings).

Now my wife is saying she has to go back to work and place our son in daycare. She is an executive for a hospital and can take off as much time as needed, but she wants to go back to work. Her hospital doesn't have a daycare or anything like that, meaning that she would have an extra two hours a day of getting our son ready for daycare (I have always adamantly said that if we had kids, she would be the primary caretaker and I would pay the bills).

I don't understand why she has changed her mind. She has been to the doctor and does not have post-Partum and this morning she texted me that I would be watching the baby while she looks for a daycare. I don't think any of this is fair given that our relationship has been based off these gender roles from the start. I work full time as well.

Any advice?

Relevant Comments:

• In response to someone pointing out his wife is an adult and can work if she wants to: " If I had known that was her intention, I would not have chosen to have children with or marry her. Or I would have quit my job."
• I would trade places with her had I known and had time to prepare. She is insisting on daycare or nothing and does not want me to switch to part time work either. The daycare costs more than half of my individual salary a month so we wouldn't be wasting any money.
  
• I own my own business so it would be easy to go part time for a few months, but she is against me watching the baby. I already offered to work part time.
• She says she doesn't trust me to care for our son alone, but she's never given me the chance.
  
• She hired a babysitter last month to watch him even though I was already home. I've tried explaining to her that I should learn, but she insists I'm in over my head. I'm an only child and she has 5 younger siblings.
  

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Update: My [35 M] wife [32 F] of five years is choosing to place our son [3 months M] in daycare even though we agreed that she would stay home with him.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2g7ms8/update_my_35_m_wife_32_f_of_five_years_is/

First post

Hi everyone. I had a talk with my wife about the situation. I asked her why she wanted to go back to work, she said it was because she was bored at home and didn't want to watch the baby. I explained to her that I was more than willing to stay at home part time to watch the baby, but that she had to trust that I could do it. My wife then told me that would never happen and that she would get her mom to watch our son if it came down to that.

Some people asked is where we live, and we live in the southern US. We live in a rural area about 45 minutes from a large city (where my wife works). We are also both raised Pentecostal. There is a daycare around here that was cheap, but my wife doesn't trust the woman who operates it. I explained that she couldn't know that unless she went into the daycare for a tour, but my wife refused. My wife claims that a friend's baby became sick while at the daycare and therefore we wouldn't be sending our son. The daycare she wants is close to the hospital where she works, but that means our son will have to make the commute with her each day.

I tried to explain to her why this wasn't a good idea. The cost was too high, it would be easier for me to take care of our son until he's a few months older. I suggested we try to find a nanny so that we could spare shifting the childcare onto our parents. My wife said that it would never happen that way.

I asked my wife why she didn't trust me to watch our baby, and she said it was because she was scared I would abuse the baby. She told me that she had seen me 'playing with his diapers' and that I couldn't be trusted. From what I understand, the garbage bag broke when I took the trash out and I had to pick up some diapers that had spilled onto the floor. She saw it and assumed the worst. I felt sick hearing what she had to say and left the room.

My wife then freaked out. She grabbed our son and tried to leave with him in the car with no car seat or her shoes. I tried to get the baby from her and she slapped me and drove off. I then had to call the cops who arrested her for child endangerment, because she was speeding 30 mph over.

I already called a lawyer and I'm filing for divorce. I don't care if she snapped because of hormones or any other reason. What she did broke my heart and broke our marriage. I probably will not update again.

Edit: She already has a therapist she's seeing, but I will not be with a partner who disrespects me and who hits me. I have done everything possible in my life to make my wife happy, and now she's done everything she can to make me unhappy. I don't care if she's sick or not, she hit me. I promised her I would never hit her and she promised me the same. She broke that promise. My son can't be with her for as long as she's acting like this and neither can I. I don't need your judgement.

tl;dr: I tried talking to my wife and she snapped. She tried to leave in her car with the baby and no car seat. She slapped me, I called the police, she was arrested. I'm filing for divorce.

Relevant Comments:

• When a commenter pointed out that what she was suggesting (him 'playing' with dirty diapers meant he'd molest his son) was completely insane: " I tried asking her about it but she wouldn't stop screaming at me. I have no idea what she saw beyond that phrase because she was at the top of her lungs and throwing things. I've never seen her act like this. "
• I know she might be sick, but she's been seeing a therapist for other reasons for a long time. I heard from her doctor about the post-partum, because she said she was feeling sad, but the psych evaluation came back normal. She's already gotten a therapist, but her freak out was so bad I can't trust her to be alone with me or our son. She was hysterical and grabbed him and ran. She was in no way gentle with him and then she had to be arrested. And all because I don't want him in daycare. I want my son to be cared for by a parent. She doesn't trust me and even if she is sick that doesn't take away the damage she caused. She refused to let me call my mother, she refused to stop throwing things at me.
• She refused to speak to her mom or my mom/ She refused to speak to her mom when I got her on the phone.
  
• When asked if there could be a reason he knows of for the outburst: " There's nothing I can think of. She was abused as a child by her dad, but when we got engaged I promised her I wouldn't do that. I'm religious and I will not raise my hand in anger towards a woman. "
• This was not a gentle slap. I'm bruised because of this. She backhanded me and split my lip and then ran off with our son. She could have killed him.

• Her mom is trying to get her a psych hold.

  Update 2: My [35 M] wife [32 F] of five years is choosing to place our son [3 months M] in daycare even though we agreed that she would stay home with him.

https://ud.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2ghcel/update_2_my_35_m_wife_32_f_of_five_years_is/

(recovered through reveddit, though I don't thingthis is the actual final post, but it does seem to confirm that he is going through with the divorce)

The protective order is already filed. I did that this morning. My lawyer is already on it, but I won't be able to speak to her for 72 hours anyway. She'll be in the hospital. The police already said that when she needs to get her clothes and things to call then for an escort.

Relevant Comment:

• I didn't know where to put this, but this isn't some redpill/Men's rights crap. My wife and I got married like we did because it was what works best for us, but we still were partners. It just so happened that our household duties fell under traditional gender roles, but this isn't an endorsement of that in any way. I know my first post came off that way, but I thought it was because of those roles that it was the reason why she wouldn't let me near the baby. It's deeper than that now.