I am not the original poster.

Originally written by u/Birthdayparties4 six years ago on r/relationships.

My girlfriend is turning 21 and wants me (21M) to throw her a party. How do I break the news that no one will show up?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3guzht/my_girlfriend_is_turning_21_and_wants_me_21m_to/

Birthdays have always been hard on my girlfriend. She's had a few parties as a child where no one showed up, and since moving states in the middle of high school she hasn't made close friends.

Here at college, she tries hard to make friends. She talks well to people on a superficial basis but doesn't have any real friends. She's never been invited to a college party and has often missed out on many typical activities.

We've been together for 3 years, since freshman orientation. I don't have friends but I'm happy that way. I like keeping to myself if I'm not spending time with her. Since she's naturally extroverted, she spends her free time with me, or at club meetings trying to connect to people.

She's asked if I could put together a small party so I invited some acquaintances, my roommates, etc. everyone said no. I gave the invites well in advance too. I don't know how to break the news to my girlfriend, she's been so excited. She thought providing free food and drink would be a great way to make friends. But people don't want to come for even that. What can I do?

tl;dr: My friendly but friendless girlfriend wanted me to throw a 21st birthday party for her, but no one accepted. How do I still make this a special day? How do I tell her without crushing her

Relevant Comments:

• She and I actually don't drink. We would be purchasing drinks for other people, but we don't have any interest in it. No one knows that we don't drink. No one's asked. When my roommates are mixing drinks I fill a solo cup with coke and there are no questions asked. We'd probably do that at the party.
• When asked if he asked anybody why they declined: I actually asked one of my roommates for more info and all he said was "I don't know her that well."
• She's tried clubs and activities to try and make friends but hasnt had any luck. Her interests don't really align with a lot of peoples. The fact that she doesn't like video games, going to school spirit events, or anime/geek culture cuts off a lot of people.
• She tries so hard to be social. She reads all sorts of guides on how to make friends, and she hasn't had any luck. She hoped that acquaintances would come for free food and maybe become her friends. She tries to talk to lots of people, but she lacks a lot of common ground with most of the people she meets.
• She's part of clubs pertaining to her interests, but it just hasn't been working for her. I invited people from those clubs that she had talked about. All were busy, and a couple even replied "who?"
• She makes her own clothes and jewelry. She tends to wear hippie inspired outfits. The jewelry is pretty normal from what I can tell, but she does the head-scarf, long skirt, flower print sort of stuff. Nothing crazy like frayed bell bottoms, but it's kind of bohemian clothing.
• She's from another culture by origin, but grew up in america.
• About her major, I really wish she didn't pick it. It's not right for her, but we're about to be seniors. She's very intimidated by the better students in her major so she never speaks in class. She doesn't know a soul in her classes other than by face.
• She moved during her high school years, so she doesn't have close friends from high school.

​

UPDATE: My girlfriend is turning 21 and wants me (21M) to throw her a party. How do I break the news that no one will show up?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3gz677/update_my_girlfriend_is_turning_21_and_wants_me/

I logged into facebook at like 2 AM last night and my girlfriend has posted a message on the party event wall saying the party was cancelled. She saw the no-shows before I could let her know about it.

I called her and suggested some other activities we could do, things like amusement parks or concerts or taking a cooking class. I thought she'd like all those ideas.

"No thank you."

We were kinda quiet over the phone, until she asked me in a really small voice if I could come over.

We met outside her dorm at like 3 in the morning. She was crying, as I expected. But it was just watery eyes, not full on sobs how she usually cries.

"It's okay," she said. "Some people aren't meant to have friends."

I told her she was exaggerating, that she just needs to look in different places, etc. She shook her head. "No, I'm done."

This morning at breakfast we passed a lot of mutual acquaintances. Usually my girlfriend smiles and says hello. Today she just kept her eyes on the pavement, not looking at anyone. She barely ate. But other than that she seemed like her normal self with me, talking and laughing. She just wouldn't look at anyone else.

She told me how she's going to use this extra time to get better in her classes, to work on her jewelry and maybe open an etsy shop. To read more books.

I asked her if this is really what she wanted.

"No, but life doesn't always give you what you want. I didn't want to be an engineer. I didn't want to live in a basement alone. I didn't want to hate college and wish every day that I could drop out. But you make the best of it."

Her voice was breaking as she said this, but she didn't cry. She left the breakfast table after that and said she wanted to be alone.

Where the hell do I go from here? Her actual birthday is tomorrow (we were throwing the party a week later) and she insists she doesn't want to do anything. Is it bad that part of me sort of agreed with her, that some people aren't meant to make friends? I don't think I am, but obviously she wants friends and it's making her miserable.

tl;dr: Girlfriend canceled party, said she didn't want to do anything for her birthday, and announced that she's given up on finding friends. She isn't going back to any of her clubs or activities, and is going to focus on her studies and hobbies this coming year. Her actual 21st birthday is tomorrow. Where do I go from here?

EDIT: I am sitting with her in her dorm room right now. She's on the bed reading, I'm on the couch minding my own business, just being near her. She is okay.

Relevant Comments:

• Usually when my girlfriend makes sudden decisions, she's a bit more 'dramatic' about it. Like she's sobbing and crying and stuff. Here she sounded so cold and evenkeel that it was a bit alarming.

• She definitely has said that it makes her feel worthless. I think the party was her 'last chance', just a move of desperation to see if feeding and boozing up college students was the way to make friends.

  UPDATE 2: My girlfriend is turning 21 and wants me to throw her a party. How do I (21M) tell her that no one will show up?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3h5ae6/update_2_my_girlfriend_is_turning_21_and_wants_me/

Short update here. I stayed with my girlfriend for a while last night. She just read a book and didn't talk much. I cuddled her a bit, but she mostly wanted space.

This morning, I came to her room with flowers and a gift. She accepted the flowers with a smile. She told me she wanted to go home to her parents this weekend. I was pretty sad about that, I wanted to make her feel loved and special. But she said she needed to get off campus for a bit, so I said okay. I took her to the bus stop, said goodbye, and now here I am.

She did love the present though. It was a book she'd been wanting for a while.

Hopefully she'll feel better when she comes back.

tl;dr Girlfriend went home for her birthday.

UPDATE 3: My girlfriend is turning 21 and wants me (21M) to throw her a party. How do I tell her that no one will show up?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3pr7pv/update_3_my_girlfriend_is_turning_21_and_wants_me/

Anyway, the school year is in full swing and she cries all the time. At least three times a week, if not more. She feels like she's taking advantage of my kindness so she tries not to cry in front of me. She's completely abandoned the search to find friends, and doesn't go out except for food, class, etc. There are happy moments too, and she'll still go out with me, but she just seems fragmented over all.

She actually did pursue therapy at our university, because she felt like she really needed someone to talk to that wasn't me. They informed her that all the spots they had were full and that unless she was a suicide risk they didn't have room. Heartless, right? It really made her feel bad, but she didn't want to lie and say she was a suicide risk.

She feels lonelier than ever. There's no doubt in my mind that she's depressed. She pours all her energy into schoolwork and hasn't really touched her hobbies much, either.

She can't afford therapy other than the university, and they won't give it to her. Is there any way she can get the help she needs?

tl;dr: My girlfriend's depression is getting worse, she tried to get therapy and was informed that she couldn't. Is there anything she/we can do?

Relevant Comments:

• When asked about her getting therapy: We don't really have any income, she's on her parents' insurance and they're against therapy. She doesn't want to involve them at all. They come from a culture where therapy is pretty frowned upon.
• I'm worried about her too, but in the end she has to do what's right for her. She's on the waiting list for university therapy right now, and we're both saving up some money she could use for therapy, if we can avoid insurance.
• People asked repeatedly on all the posts if she smelled/had bad hygiene. OP has responded in the negative every time.
• When asked how they met: We were sort of standing by ourselves during freshman orientation. We were both awkward enough to tolerate the other's lack of social skills, I suppose, and I asked her out pretty quickly after that.
• Throughout the posts, OP repeatedly says that he has no friends at all either. He is friendly with his roommates, but he considers his GF to be his best friend too and has no need for friends. So he doesn't totally understand her problem, or have any friends to introduce her to. He also states that he hates the idea of making friends with couples to double date with her, though during the last post, he says he'd consider it out of desperation.