Originally posted by u/whiskeyteafoxtrot. First post was 5 years ago. Update was 2 years ago. This one really stuck with me over the years because of the ending and how robotically uncaring her husband was at the end, and the way he suggested counseling and then just discarded it as soon as she said no. I hope wherever she is, she's happy now and following her gut to good things.

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https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/40tuc7/me_32f_with_my_husband_39_m_6years_our_sex_life/

Before I got into this, I want to stress that I know something is definitely wrong with my relationship. I just have no idea how to approach it or what to do at this point.

My husband and I started dating six years ago and we were married for the last three years.

We had a very active sex life when we were first dating. We'd have some weekends where we were basically living the bed (3x a day). About a year and a half into the relationship, he asked to move in together and we got engaged shortly after.

Once we were engaged, our sex life screeched to an immediate halt. I kept bringing it up, and he would say he thinks it's because we both moved from drafty houses to a high-end apartment--that we'd be snuggled all the time for warmth which would lead to sexy times.

But I also noticed if I tried to sext or make flirty comments, he'd change the subject pretty quickly. I chalked things up to wedding nerves, and we got married.

We had a three-week honeymoon in the Caribbean where we did nothing but lounge around with each other pretty much. Even though I tried to initiate a few times, we didn't have sex at all on our honeymoon.

When we got back, I threw on some sexy lingerie and tried to surprise him when he came home. He burst out laughing.

At that point, I flipped out and pointed out that something is obviously wrong, and that this is too soon in a marriage for something like this to happen. He said that the wedding was really stressful for him and he needed to unwind.

At this point, one of my friends mentioned something seemed different about my husband. (None of them are in the loop as to everything going on)

After this continuing the same way, I brought it up again. He said that the truth is that he feels trapped in the apartment with me. We both went from living in houses to living in a one-bedroom together. That seemed fair enough and we bought a house together.

This did not change our situation in terms of the bedroom. But since we keep money separate (I do not recommend), I have student loans, and houses are expensive, I picked up a second job bartending three nights a week to make sure I wasn't stretching my money too thin. Then the excuse became "you are never home".

He started getting angrier and angrier about me "never being home," even when I pointed out all the time I was actually at home. I went out with my friends less frequently to make sure I was around and available, but all that did was kill my social life and not boost our relationship.

Then it started getting worse. I would get home from my bartending shift and he'd start yelling at me. It usually started with "you are never home," but was pretty erratic. He'd switch subjects and things he was angry about switched pretty quickly. But he would also say some really hurtful things, such as:

I'm not attracted to you. If you want to have sex, go fuck someone else. I kinda fell into marrying you. It was the path we were already on, and I felt like I couldn't do anything to stop it. You have the personality of a five-year old. What adult tears up at a fucking puppy? etcetcetc

Let me be clear, I do not want to be with someone uninterested in being with me. But whenever I'd bring it up the next day, he'd act like I was exaggerating the fight and what he said, and say of course those things aren't true and that he loved me very much. If I told him I thought he didn't love me in the romantic way, it usually brought him to tears.

And just a side note that I've been in shape since the start of our relationship and that hasn't changed.

I didn't know whether or not to believe him--in my experience, people tend to accidentally say what they really mean when angry. So I took these things to heart and became really, really sad. I was randomly bursting into tears throughout the day, but whenever I brought up how I felt, he insisted I had to trust what he said about being interested in me, attracted to me, and wanting to be married to me.

I ended up seeing a counselor for a bunch of sessions. She helped me feel attractive again, like I deserved to be treated well, and that my expectations of someone I'm pretty recently married to aren't unreasonable at all. Which made me feel more empowered to take action.

I started recording him yelling at me. I collected a few and then played them for him during the day. He actually looked genuinely shocked. He said it seemed like he was saying things just to hurt me and that he didn't mean anything he said--but he also didn't remember saying any of them. He said he was committed to fixing this for the future. And he started counseling.

So then he took me out on a super-date of sorts--nothing really fancy, but all the things I liked to do. And it was a really fun, exciting night. All of a sudden at the bar, he went from smiling to angry in the matter of seconds. He snapped at me about something. I insisted we go home, and he spent the rest of the evening yelling at me.

The next day I said I thought we needed a divorce. He begged me to try couples counseling instead. I told him that whatever was happening was an issue he was having and that he needed to figure that out before I'd even be interested in counseling. I drove over to the bar I work at for a few hours (not working, just needed to get out) and told a person I don't know very well what was going on, and she suggested that he has an adverse reaction to alcohol.

When I came back, my husband presented the same theory about himself. He said he thinks that he has a really adverse reaction to alcohol and shouldn't drink anymore. I didn't really think he'd stop, but he stopped cold turkey and hasn't started again since.

Fast forward to now. Our sex life hasn't changed at all. And he's almost euphoric about not drinking alcohol anymore. He's cheerful and he's very kind to me, but nothing at all has changed about our sex life. I brought up couples' counseling again, and he said he didn't think we need it because of how much better he's doing now that he isn't drinking anymore.

I don't want to ruin his recovery by pushing hard on the fact that things are still not good. He insists he's attracted to me and loves me. I don't know if I should trust him when he says that, and I feel stupid for even thinking that maybe I should trust that he actually feels that way.

I do know he feels affectionate towards me generally. But we really feel like roommates who are best friends. And that's probably why I've put up with all of this because when it comes down to it, we get along really, really well. I just don't know what my next steps should be, or what I should even be feeling about this.

Sometimes I think, well, if everything else is fine, why is sex so important? But it really is to me, plus I feel like he might be hiding all these feelings about me. Then again, he seemed so genuinely shocked by hearing himself say all those mean things about me, could there be something else going on with him?

Edit: I should actually emphasize, it isn't just sex. If I go in for a kiss, he pulls back so it's just a peck. He tells me he doesn't "really like kissing" and doesn't "understand the appeal".

tl;dr: My husband had a drinking problem and didn't want to have sex with me. He's corrected the drinking problem and still doesn't want to have sex with me, but swears he finds me attractive, what do I do?

Update: Seriously, thanks so much. After reading all these comments, I'm going to give him an ultimatum. I am going to tell him that there is definitely something wrong, and that he has to go get his hormones checked and see a psychiatrist. After that, we are going to a couples' counselor to talk about the things he has said about me (and if it isn't tied to a hormone thing, the sex), the underlying issue. And then we explore either moving forward or divorce. If he is unwilling to do that, we start the divorce process.

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https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/8vc871/update_me_32f_with_my_husband_39_m_6years_our_sex/

Update:

I know my original post is so old, but the biggest update only recently happened. My therapist suggested I post about it here to help sort out how I feel right now and also as a warning to other people. I feel like I have grown so much in the last few years and maybe I'm a bit less naive (or a bit more bitter... however you'd like to put it).

Through interacting with the comments, I came up with an ultimatum I would give my husband.

1. He needed to get his medical stuff tested.
2. He see someone psychologically.
3. Couple's counseling.

I decided ahead of time that he'd have to do the legwork for this already. I had already done so much legwork for this relationship and I wanted to make sure I didn't hold his hand through this either.

He took it surprisingly well for what the conversation was. There were tears on both sides but he agreed that yes, he would be willing to do these things for the sake of the relationship.

And then days passed. And a week past. I finally brought it up again and it caused a minor fight where he told me he needed to do this sort of stuff on his own time.

A few more weeks past. I realized that he did not care enough to do something about this. It was a hard thing to realize, but it was clear as day.

I headed over a friend's house to talk things out, clear my head, and come up with a plan for divorce.

I drove home and a few minutes before I arrived, he got a phone call that his sister was in a coma and dying. I booked him tickets to go see her. She passed away a few hours after he saw her.

She left behind two late-teenage girls. Who we were now partially responsible for.

So I pushed my pain down and decided to be the best aunt I can to these two girls. I also got myself a dog (best decision ever in this situation) to keep my own spirits up.

I worked really hard at this and felt like my husband and I were getting closer in the process.

More recently, I started realizing that everything we were doing for the girls was initiated through me--not him. So I started paying more attention. He was getting annoyed at me making a big deal over surprise care packages their school suggested we send in and other things like that. I was starting to resent that he wasn't caring for his nieces in the same way as I was.

On the youngest niece's graduation day, I asked him if he thought the other parents there would be getting flowers for the graduates and if that's something we should do. This is when he totally lost it at me. It was a string that started with him yelling about how I get too concerned about these sorts of things and ended with a rant about how I buy too many crackers when company comes over for dinner. This started changing the lens I was looking at him through again. Also, at this point, I felt like my nieces had launched into the world with lives of their own.

I started re-seeing the eyerolls when I talked. The cutting remarks about my intelligence. Oh, and the utter lack of sex.

So I started talking to people. I started seeing a therapist. And together, we all came up with a plan to discuss everything with him--probably ending in divorce (though I never took that as a definite).

I decided we had a different view of what a relationship and marriage should be. My plan was to present that to him calmly and let him give his opinion of how he sees things.

I had a work trip so I took the time to recoup. I went on a long hike, and even though I'm not really religious, I prayed the whole damn time about this.

So when I got home, in the calmest and most even way I could, I explained the situation as I saw it and asked for his feedback. My friends and I rehearsed what would happen if he cried and begged for a chance to change--or what to do (or rather, where to go) if he got really angry.

But nothing prepared me for his reaction. He agreed with me. He said that everything felt "forced" to him and that this wasn't a natural relationship. That he married me because that was the path he was on, and since he wasn't planning on having kids, it's not like that mattered all that much. In fact, he prefers being alone generally.

He then finished by asking if I thought we should get couple's counseling. I calmly said that given what he just said, I didn't think that was an option. He immediately started trying to talk next steps, who gets what, etc. He brought up that he could probably technically fight for alimony but that he wouldn't. And said he wouldn't fight for my dog if I don't fight to go after his seperate finances.

I think this was the most painful in the moment reaction I could have had from him. I told him I would give him some space that night, so I drove to my friend's house and cried my eyes out. Him not fighting it is ultimately better for the long run, but it's really hard to realize that your husband of 5 years (and partner for 8) never really loved or cared for you.

I should have listened to my gut all along.

We had that talk last night. I'm currently sitting in a coffee shop, typing this all out. I'm a relatively attractive person and I channeled my frustrations over the last few years into lifting and working out almost every day. So I'm hopeful when it comes to love in the future.

I don't really know what my next step is. I might drive to my brother's. I might look for a storage facility. It's a bit overwhelming to think about.

Overall, I'm so grateful this is happening now and that I won't be looking back at my life when I'm 85 years old, disappointed that it never really started. I have my life in front of me and it's a big scary place. But after I finish crying my eyes out, it's one step in front of the other.

And thank you everyone for all your help.

tl/dr: Put off divorce due to spouse's sister dying and despite everything we worked on together, found out he never really loved me.