This is a repost not from Reddit, but from AskAManager.org. The original link is here. (The link is external to Reddit.)

Original Letter

I’m writing this question based on feedback received from an exit interview.

A woman in her mid-30’s left my department after a little over a year. When giving her notice, she commented that she was taking a job closer to home (she had an hour commute each way some days) and had wanted to go back to a position closer to her original line of work. Her senior team members and I were sad to see her go.

HR sent me the results of her exit interview and wanted to discuss “the cultural problems in my department.” On the exit interview, the former employee mentioned that my staff leaves at lunch one day per week to go to a brewery for a beer run (which is true, I allow this) and she was often the only team member in the office; her fellow associates were unwilling to assist her and spent time on social media such as Snapchat, creating an exclusive environment (she was more quiet, older than the 20somethings in the position, and not as much into social media); and that interdepartmental relationships created power dynamics that ruined morale (one of my newly promoted seniors was sleeping with an associate and it wasn’t noticed by me or any other executives).

I don’t feel like this is a cultural issue; I think this was her not being a good fit for our team. I do allow my staff to go to breweries as long as they have coverage. I encourage my staff to be friends in and outside of work and I cannot monitor relationships. At no point did the employee bring this to my attention during our informal one-on-ones. She was extremely quiet and kept to herself, and she didn’t mingle with the team because of her commute and commitments she had (she’s married with a kid and had recently bought a house).

Am I in the wrong or is the former employee just out of touch with how a team of professional millenials works?

Allison's response can be seen here - TL;DR - "Yeah, you’re kind of in the wrong."

First Update

I was fired today without severance. When my letter was published, I was already on suspension based on the exit interview investigation, poor management practices and complaints from other areas, none of which I believe are accurate. HR and the management team stated I had mismanaged my team and the ex-employee. I had given assignments meant for her and assigned to her by my director to other members on the team because I wanted to develop them, including my newly promoted senior. As a manager, I knew my team better. Giving special assignments to her, even though it was her role, screwed over my long term team members who would complain to me. I had also downgraded her end-of-year evaluation. I don’t think she deserved the praise she received from the sales staff, my directorand client executives. Her work just wasn’t that good to me. I thought if my team and I froze her out, she would leave. I called it un-managing.

My team found her quietness and her ability to develop sales presentations and connect with each client was very show-off-like. When she asked for help, we didn’t take it seriously because we thought she acted like she knew everything and she was making us look bad by always going above and beyond for no reason. My team and I had worked together for 5-6 years so I knew them, their work and their personalities better than anyone else so I took what they said with more seriousness. I also thought that her years of experience were irrelevant; she didn’t have anything beyond a bachelor’s degree (most of us were smart and dedicated enough to get a masters) and her experience was in a different subset of insurance.

HR and my regional vice president stated she had been hired to fill a role for a growing segment of our business and should have functioned as a team consultant. I used her as an associate so it didn’t make waves with the rest of the team. By losing her, we lost clients and leverage in the marketplace. Our sales territory couldn’t afford to lose any more business under my “mismanagement” and the HR was worried about damage to the brand name. During her employment, my director and I had several meetings on her role as she also dotted line reported to him. I had continued to be insubordinate because ex-employee, in my opinion, didn’t fit in and needed to earn her way to what my director had envisioned for her. If her role had panned out, she would have been higher up than me after two years when I had been there for five.

HR told me the brewery beer runs were against company policy and I should have stopped the SnapChats, especially those who had it on their company phones. I disagree that it was bullying because she wasn’t on Snap so if she didn’t see it, how is this bullying? I also don’t know how/if I should have monitored this with my team. My entire team was fired. The reasons for the firings included alcohol at work, even though we were physically at the brewery, inappropriate social media behavior, and not meeting the code of conduct.

I’m not sure the lesson(s) I’m supposed to learn; I feel like I was the scapegoat for a favored employee’s reason to leave. Being dedicated to your work doesn’t mean you can’t have fun at the same time. My former team and I are wondering if we can take action against ex-employee — her exit interview damaged our reputation, our team, and our careers.

With this letter-writer’s permission, I’m also printing here some of the email exchange that I had with her after receiving this update.

Me: I’m sorry to ask this, but I’m trying to figure out if this is real or not. There’s a lot in here that’s making me question it. You haven’t responded to any of the points brought up in my original answer or in the comments. Why?

Letter-writer (LW): Because I disagree with your points and I don’t want to constantly defend myself. My ex employee made me look bad and I thought that as Ask a Manager you would side with a manager.

… I still think my entire situation is messed up that my team got tanked because of someone who couldn’t handle the office and who didn’t need to be there anyway.

I get that I am a shitty manager unless you actually worked with me but I worked with friends for 5 years. I didn’t want the ex employee to begin with. So I wanted to make it uncomfortable for her to leave and didn’t think I’d lose my job in the process.

Me: Do you not understand that what you did was illegal? (Note: When I wrote this, I was thinking the employee was in her 40s, which would mean age discrimination laws were in play. Upon re-reading the letter, she’s actually in her 30s so my point here was poorly formed.)

LW: Is it illegal to not like someone? No one got hurt except for someone’s feelings and she left the company. I don’t understand what or how I did was illegal. I’m not getting the lesson that I should have learned. I should not have been fired because someone didn’t like how she was being managed. She left on her own terms. It’s not like I fired her and if I did, I work in an at will state so I could have gotten rid of her at any time. But I’m not that mean.

Me: It’s illegal to retaliate against someone (like moving them to another department or taking them off assignments, etc.) for reporting harassment. You opened your company up to legal jeopardy. At-will employment has exceptions to it, including retaliation after someone reports harassment.

Beyond that, you’ve been managing your team in really horrible, ineffective ways, and it sounds like you’re not willing to do serious reflection on that. You’re digging in your heels and insisting that what you did wasn’t a big deal, but any decent company will think it’s a very big deal — so you’re really hurting yourself professionally by refusing to change your thinking.

LW: I didn’t retaliate. I wanted to remove the SnapChat person but I didn’t. I’m still upset that happened. I still don’t understand why getting angry over someone not coming to me first but going to HR is that big of a deal.

Me: There are a lot of really good, detailed explanations in the comment section on the post. I recommend reading them with an open mind, because they will definitely explain where you went wrong. I hope you’re open to changing your thinking, so that you’re able to move forward in your career without being hindered by this. Otherwise it’s going to continue to harm you over and over.

LW: Ok but can I still get some credit for NOT doing it though? Or not firing ex employee? Or for looking out for my team and giving them opportunities? Isn’t that what managers do?

Second Update

I wanted to provide an update. I spent August and the first half of September attending some pretty intensive therapy which was beneficial. In therapy, I learned how to deal with people who challenged me past my comfort zone. It also made me step back and realize that I don’t ever want to manage again and that my personality is not one suited for management. I also had the ability to step back and review my behavior: I was self destructive in the work place and those behaviors rubbed off on my team as my team members were younger and more impressionable. I plan to continue individual therapy.

I did get a new job. I started a new position in marketing (which is what my degreee is in). It’s a few steps above entry level in a small firm where I’ll be under more supervision. I’m excited to move on from my mistakes.

Thank you to you and your readers for your advice. While the comments were harsh, I took the time to read them a few times over throughout the course of therapy. It’s tough to hear how much people think you suck but it helped me get back on track.

I wish you and your readers the best for the remainder of 2017 and beyond.