I am not The OOP, OOP is u/2thinkcritically

Asked my husband if he still loved me. His answer: You ask some difficult questions

**Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest & r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1  Posted by u/prettiergenghis

BoRU 2  Posted by u/prettiergenghis

BoRU 3  Posted by u/prettiergenghis

Trigger Warning - gaslighting and manipulation, depression, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, possible parental alienation

Husband (M37) cannot handle my (F36) health issues, argues with me until I have a panic attack. Then he says he loves me and takes care of me.  Aug 10, 2022

I (F36) am married (M37) for over a decade. Some months ago, I got diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and depression (post pandemic issues). I have a therapist every week, take medication, and I see my psychiatrist once a month. But I feel like my problems with my husband is more than I can take right now.

Whenever I have a meltdown, my husband doesn’t want to cuddle or spend time with me. He says I have to deal with it all by myself, talk to a friend or my therapist. He says he cannot give me what I need (cuddling and support).

So, when I isolate myself due to anxiety, we end up in an argument. He accuses me of ignoring our children and being rude (I get very irritated, but not violent) to him.

If I decide to hang out with friends (socialization is what I truly need), he gets jealous and accuses me of looking for another man.

In any of those situations he keeps arguing with me until I reach my breaking point. I end up in an anxiety attack, and need to take a sedative.

When I tell him I cannot live like that, he says we need to get a divorce, because he is my trigger. I tried to explain that I have many triggers right now, due to my mental illness. I don’t blame him. My problem is how he handles it. That whenever I have a problem, he runs away or transforms it into a problem about himself. He constantly says that he’s not an empathetic person and doesn’t know how to handle that. However, when I come to my breaking point, he says he loves me, take care of me and hug me until I fall sleep. The next day he says he want to be with me forever.

I told him I feel abandoned by him, and unloved. I truly feel that he wants a divorce, but he is waiting for me to make the decision. I feel quite blind in this situation. I truly don’t know what to do. I have little energy, and I wish I could focus it on getting better, specially for my kids. I can’t use it to help my relationship right now. But I don't know what I should do to make him understand that.

I really don't know how I can solve this problem without messing with my treatment. Any advice will be very welcomed.

Thanks for reading it.

Original Post 3 Oct 3, 2022

So, as I posted before, I’ve going through a lot at home. I’ve anxiety and my husband doesn’t know how to cope with it. Now, I believe he simply doesn’t want to cope.

We visited my doctor together, so he could understand a little bit about the situation (generalized anxiety disorder and depression). Terrible idea.

He criticized me all the time, blamed me for not getting better, and at the end said he didn’t believe we could work out anymore. Yes, he said that to my doctor who was trying to make him understand how GAD and Depression are affecting me.

At the end, I was crying and he was angry at me and at the doctor. He insisted I took him to a couple’s therapy without his consent.

The next day I asked him the question I posted. When he couldn’t answer if he still loved me, I removed my wedding ring and said we were done. I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t answer this simple question. More than a decade together and that’s how he answered me.

He apologized, cried and said he doesn’t love me anymore. My anxiety has destroyed his feelings for me.

I’m heart broken, but relieved, because I couldn’t spend my energy on this relationship, when clearly I was the only one fighting for it. At least now, I know it’s over.

However I feel lonely, since I will have to fight this mental disorder all by myself (family lives far away). I must get better for my children and I.

I cannot move out right now, nor him. We will have two different bedrooms, while sharing the house. We will also talk to a mediator, in order to organize the separation while I’m fighting against GAD and depression. I hope it’s gonna help.

We have the kids and they don’t know yet how to tell them. I feel like I failed this family. And I’m afraid I’m will end up getting worse.

Tell me how did you cope with all of this, if you went through similar situation in your past. I need some hope.

Thanks for reading

Update 1 Oct 17, 2022

UPDATE - Asked my husband if he still loved me. His answer: You ask some difficult questions

Hello you all. First of all, thanks for the kind messages and PM I received. I cannot thank you guys enough. I just wanna make an update and also vent a little bit.

So, after the decision to get separated, things got better at home. I believe that a weight has been removed from our shoulders, so we had almost no arguments. We were being kind to one another and my anxiety got better, as well as my depression. Things were so good that we made the mistake of sleeping together. That gave me lots of hope. Maybe, we would find our way back together. After that, we talked. I told him we could not repeat that. I still have feelings for him, so it would hurt me a lot if the sex meant nothing to him.

We had a mediation session and tears were all over. We agreed he would no longer hug me when I left in the morning. The mediator said we had to cut those physical connections to avoid repeating the same mistake. Also, he would clear his office which would become my new bedroom. It was difficult, but we cut off the hugs after a couple days. He, on the other hand, asked for the day off at work. I though it would be to clean the office, but no. Later he told me he has an internal fight. he didn't want the separation (????), but he believed that it was necessary, because we were not happy together. I remind him he is the one who doesn't love me anymore, and that I am unhappy due to my depression.

A couple days later we were discussing something and messages kept popping up on my phone. It was a Reddit male friend (call X) who has the same name as a friend (call Z) I have over here.  This same day, I would go to a party where Z would be attending. My ex got a bit uncomfortable and asked me if Z and I were flirting. I said no, and explained that the messages were from X, who lives in another country. He was clearly jealous and when I returned from the party, my ex tried to have sex with me, which I denied. The next day, we talked about that and I asked him about his feelings. I ensured him I was not interested in other people. Also, that, once again, we could not have sex if he didn't love me anymore. I asked him if he was unsure about his feelings, but He said he was just horny, nothing else. I felt so disrespected. He knew about my feelings and tried having sex with me because he was horny???????

The next days I kept sending him photos of the new furniture  I would need to buy for my new room. I was asking him some advices regarding the size of them. None of them was good: too big, too small, to expensive...After that, I reminded him that he needed to clean the office. I told him that sharing a room was making things difficult for me. So, I asked him if he was having second thoughts, because he was delaying it, plus, he was issues with every suggestion I made regarding the furniture. He didn't even think twice before answering: "Nah, I am being just lazy. You are complicating things." He suggested I could clean it myself. I reminded him that this was his job, and that we had agreed on that during the mediation.

Yeah, this super sincere answer hurt, but...Now we are back to arguments. Again, he does not accept my emotions and get angry or rude to me, anytime I say something he doesn't like.

Sometimes I feel like he deliberate confuses me, so I don't move on.

Update 2 22 Oct 22, 2022

UPDATE 2: Asked my husband if he still loved me. His answer: You ask some difficult questions.

Just a quick update.

We had a mediation session earlier this week. I spoke about the mixed signals he sent me, how they confused me and gave me hope. The Mediator said exactly what you guys said: “there is not coming back now, you made your decision clear, Ben (my ex). Can you see how you make her feel? It is not helpful.”

He cried and apologized to me. After the session I had a very depressive episode where I couldn’t stop crying. He put me in bed, gave me my medicine and stayed with me until I fell asleep.

This same night he started cleaning the office. Yesterday he went to the store to get my new mattress, so I didn’t have to wait for delivery nor do it by myself. He also measured the things I needed and helped me with everything related to the new furniture.

I think reality wasn’t hitting him so deep down as it was supposed to be.

Our next step will be the worst one: to tell the kids what’s going on. I already prepared notes to send to their teachers and got a therapist in case they need someone to talk to.

Once again, thanks for the kind messages and suggestions. I feel much better now.

Update 3 Nov 5, 2022

UPDATE 3: Asked my husband if he still loved me. His answer: You ask some difficult questions.

Hello again.

My ex said something a time ago regarding a lost friendship and I would like to use this metaphor over here. This separation feels like grieving without a body to grieve on. I have to go through all the mourning phases, as if I have lost something. I did lose my emotional support, my confidant and who I used to lean on. 

I am learning how to walk alone again, and it hurts a lot. However, I am fine. It does not hurt as much as before and I feel less lost. I denied, I got angry, then tried to bargain. I got more depressed and hurt, but finally I arrived at acceptance. Each stage had its own time. I needed help to get over each one of them. I am not ready to date anyone, but I am having a blast getting to know new people.

My ex, on the other hand, is having a hard time. He cried a lot last week, got angry, tried to annul the separation and get back together. He asked me to change my passwords, so he would not give in to the desperation to check my phone. I tried to help him, because I am like that. I love him, he is part of my life and my kid's dad. I cannot leave him suffering. So I offered him some help, some support. But also, I respected my limits, my boundaries and I didn't betray my process. I didnt let him kiss me, but I gave him a hug when he needed. I was able to separate each feeling, because I was being his friend, not his wife anymore. And I was able to do that without jeopardizing my progress of acceptance.

Now I sleep better, I can concentrate on my job, tell friends about my separation and feel that my anxiety and depression are getting better. I am helping him as much as I can, but I accept that the separation is necessary at the moment. I accept that we might get back together in the future, or not. I am not anxious about it right now. I am accepting the present and the past, and hoping for a better future. And for the first time, in months, I told my therapist that in a couple months I might be able to reduce the dose of my medication.

 There is hope. There is a light at the end. We just need to accept that everything takes its own time... 

Update 4  Dec 8, 2022

UPDATE 4: Asked my husband if he still loved me. His answer: You ask some difficult questions.

Hello!!! It's been a while, but so much has happened that I dont even know what to think about it. So, I decided to come here and tell you all about it. Please, you can judge me if you feel like it.

So, I went to a birthday party with some friends and I met someone, let's call him Nate. He is very nice, has a beautiful smile, and is also divorced (his ex told him she didnt love him anymore and asked for the divorce. O.o). But there is a problem, he used to be my ex's coworker. So, during the party, he and I talked a lot, due to so much in comun. My friend reminded me we were both single and we were definitely enjoying each other's company.

The party was amazing and I was drinking a lot, so I decided I would stay for the night in my friend's house. I was sitting on the floor when Nate came to sit close to me with a gorgeous smile. I felt like a thousand butterflies were in my stomach. We were laughing, talking and he was sitting very very close to me. Suddenly he tried to kiss me, but I said no. I totally freaked out. I invited him outside so we could talk away from people. I said I thought that being with him would be a bad idea, due to my ex (Ben) knowing him. When his ex asked for the divorce, he was very sad and told my ex about it. They were not friends, but they could have been. Nate told me he was really into me, complimented my beauty and my smile, and held my hand. We were both drinking a lot, so I just gave in and kissed him back. And it was amazing.

I was not checking my phone and Ben was trying to reach me out to check if I was really okay. I usually dont drink to the point I cannot drive or take an uber. So, Ben contacted my friend to ask if I was okay. So, my friend texted me to let me know what was going on, since she knew I was with Nate. She told Ben I was with her, sleeping.

When I came home in the morning he started asking me questions: Where I was, Who I was with... I told him I didnt have to answer him, it was my privacy. So, I found out he checked all my social media accounts and messages, read all my private messages with my friend and wrote nasty things to her due to her lie. He also reached Nate and said nasty things to him too. He said they were friends and that Nate had betrayed him. Furthermore, he used a fake account (as sexy girl) to message a guy he thought I was with.

Ben said I acted like a 20 Years old girl, who had no responsibilities nor kids, because I came back in the morning. I felt terrible after that. I knew my kids were safe with him, but maybe he is right. He said I need to grow up and not go out drinking again like a young girl. It is not the first time he has told me that.

Ben cried all day long, asked me to come back to him, to try again, and that he didnt want to lose me. I told him I didnt believe in his love at all, but he swore he truly loved me, that he was mistaken.

I met Nate a couple days later to apologize for Ben's reactions. Nate told me things I didnt remember at all (alcohol). According to him I called myself too old to make out with someone, not attractive due to some white hairs and a mother's body, and that I didnt deserve his compliments. Nate was gentle and kind to me and said how much he wanted to spend time with me again. He made me feel beautiful and attractive again, and not too old.

Nate will be away for 2 months now. He texted me a couple times and we saw each other again before his departure. He said he understands this is all new to me and too soon, but that he would like to take me on a date when he comes back. I, on the other hand, feel like being with him is wrong, very wrong, and sleeping with or going on a date is even worse.

Update 5  Feb 1, 2023

UPDATE 5: Asked my husband if he still loved me. His answer: You ask some difficult questions.

First of all, thank you all for the kind messages, tips and concerns. It is amazing how strangers can mean so much.

I will try to summarize as much as I can, since a lot has happened:

Myself: I am much better now, and I am able to see things I couldn't before. I feel much better now (psychologically speaking) and next week I will visit my doctor. I still have some bad days (depression), but in general, I believe I am almost over it. Ben causes me lots of anxiety and we had some harsh talks about that.

No, I hadn't moved out yet. Unfortunately I currently live in a place where rents are increasing way too much. I cannot afford a place where I could live with my kids. But since we have a counselor, we are setting some strong boundaries. 

Ben: Last month he decided to self-medicate himself for depression (crazy, I know). He got an old prescription that was still valid and decided to go back to the medication without talking to the doctor. Now he says he understands my anxiety and depression and begged me for a second chance. I said no. I have realised how much he tried to manipulate me in the past and lots of gaslighting signs. He said bad things about Nate, tried to access my phone (changed my passwords twice this month) and made me feel suffocated, extremely haunted. He even used a fake profile to "flirt" with some guys friends of mine he was jealous with. I could not believe in it!!!  I made myself clear about my limits and boundaries. This is not the man I fell in love with.

Nate: We have been talking every other day. We might see each other this Friday (a day after he is back). He is always very sweet and understanding, so he told me this "I want to see you, no matter what we're doing together." So, no pressure regarding sex (lol). He knows I am not ready for a serious relationship right now, neither is he.  We agreed on that we are living the present and whatever comes with it, we will handle it. I told him about my diagnostic and how things are complicated for me right now.

Now, something really really creepy: What are the chances Ben and Nate share the same birthday??? My friend, who believes in astrology, said this is a bad sign (I don't believe in those things).

NEW UPDATE

Update 6  Apr 3, 2023

UPDATE 6: Asked my husband if he still loved me. His answer: You ask some difficult questions.

Hello everyone. I have wanted to provide an update for a while, but I have gone through some difficult weeks. TLDR at the end

I had a date with Nate and things went amazingly well. After putting my kids to bed, I went out and had a great time with him. We have a very nice connection and spent the night together. Nate was very sweet.

At first, Ben was very upset and cried a lot when I told him I was going out with Nate. He truly hates Nate and believes he is a bad influence on our kids. He still implies that Nate is a homewrecker and a horrible person. After a few days, he got better once he found someone to go out with. I found out who she was because she decided to stalk me on social media. Now, Ben goes out with her and he is back to his normal self - a happy single man who can be rude to his ex-wife. When he was alone, he begged me to give him another chance and cried during our meetings while professing his love. Once he found someone, he went back to being rude and reaffirmed to the conciliator that we are better separated. So, clearly, his problem was being alone.

I also had a hard time with my depression this last month and had to return to my previous drug dosage. One of the reasons why I am unable to move out is that I am a part-time worker and a part-time student. During the pandemic, I became a HSM and had to take care of my baby at home while my kids had online classes and Ben struggled with depression. Once things got back to normal, I decided to pursue my dream of getting a master's degree. Now, with the divorce, I am in a bad spot. To make things worse, my work hours were cut in half a couple of weeks ago, and I got into a car accident the same week and lost my car. These were just some of the bad things that happened last month, and my mental health was wrecked. I feel stuck right now, with less money, a student loan to pay back, and an unfinished degree.

At least during those bad moments, I could see who would be there for me. Ben was extremely rude to me when I called him for help after my car accident. I had one of my kids with me, and I was totally lost and nervous. The airbag came out, and I needed a ride home. From the phone call to the moment we went home, he didn't say one nice word to me. On the day I was informed I had lost some work hours, he made me cry in front of the kids. Nate, on the other hand, took me for a walk, so I could cry and swear as much as I needed to. He told me a million times that I can call him anytime, especially if I am having an anxiety attack. He made it clear he wants to be there for me and even offered me his place if I need to take some days off to recharge.

I truly didn't want to find a person right now. I am not one of those people who cannot be alone. I wanted to get better and focus on my mental health, but for some reason, Nate came into my life. He became one of the happy moments I have in my days with his "good morning" messages. His hugs became a place where I feel safe and happy, and seeing him makes me feel good. It is clear that I cannot start dating him while living with Ben. It feels wrong, and Nate agrees with me. But he told me he is not going to see anyone else besides me and that he is in love with me. He even told his mother about me. Right now, we simply try to see each other once a week, so we can enjoy the time together.

TLDR: I had some financial issues during this last month and my mental health was wrecked. Ben is seeing someone and went back to his AH mode. Nate and I are seeing each other and he told me he is in love.

Update 7  July 10, 2024

I (37F)Need Advice on Co-Parenting with My Ex-Husband (38M). Am I the one creating the problem?

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some advice and feedback on my current situation with my ex-husband. We've been having ongoing issues with co-parenting, and I’m wondering if his behavior constitutes parental alienation and what steps I can take. Here’s what’s been happening:

Incident 1:

Last week, my ex-husband was extremely rude to me in front of our kids and his mother. He was supposed to return some library books to the school that were at his place (he has ADHD). When I asked if he had returned them, he said: “I didn’t and I won’t! I won’t do what you demanded me (which I didn’t do). If you want them returned, you should return them yourself.”

His mother spoke to me two days later, explaining that she talked to him about his attitude towards me, especially in front of our kids. She mentioned that he was repeating the same behavior his dad exhibited towards her and that the kids would soon realize how badly he treated their mother.

Incident 2:

Yesterday, we were all together for a farewell dinner for his mother. My youngest ran away from us in the middle of the parking lot. We all spoke at the same time to get her to stop. I was the loudest, yelling, “the cars!” She stopped, and my ex decided to scold me for yelling at our child. He said, “control yourself” in front of our kids and his mother again. I stared at him and said, “don’t scold me in front of the kids.” He replied, “go scold our child. I’m not in the wrong here.”

Private Discussion

Today, when we were alone and away from the kids, I requested him, once again, to please not scold or disrespect me in front of the kids. I explained that if he disagrees with my actions, he should talk to me about it later. I emphasized that his behavior shows the kids that it’s okay to talk to their mother that way. He said I was wrong and that I should control myself. He insisted that if the kids were in any danger, I should control my emotions, or he would scold me in front of them again.

I explained that dismissing me in front of the kids could be seen as parental alienation. He responded by saying I was wrong and delusional. He refused any advice or guidance from professionals, stating that no matter what psychologists or therapists might say, he has his own opinion and won’t change it. He told me he will no longer have this conversation and to sue him if I didn’t agree with his behavior.

Refusal of Mediation and Therapy

He has stated that he will not engage in any family therapy or mediation. Despite the existence of a center that helps divorcing couples with co-parenting, he refuses to talk to them. He says that we are not a couple and that his co-parenting is great. He also refuses to speak with a personal therapist, as he doesn’t believe he needs it. According to him, any issues we have are because I try to control him. He insists that scolding me in front of them is necessary when I yell at our child (when she runs away from me), claiming he is protecting her.

Given these incidents, I’m looking for advice on the following:

1. Parental Alienation: Does his behavior constitute parental alienation?
2. Legal Steps: What legal steps can I take to address his disrespect and refusal to co-parent cooperatively? I’m in Quebec, Canada.
3. Mediation: Is there a way to enforce mediation or counseling through the court system?

Any advice or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance for your help!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

I would never force anything on him. That is why I always try to talk. Thank you all for your answer. I wanted to clarify why I thought there might be some kind of parental alienation involved. He is well known for his "psychological violence" towards me. He is very proud to be a bully and he openly says this to the children, because for him, "people deserve it". I just want to have some peace for the kids. I have been saving the things he does to me in front of the kids or what he says behind my back (the kids tell me). Here are a few examples of my ex-husband's behavior:

• He often scolds me in front of the kids, minimizing my concerns and claiming that the biggest problem is my "alleged absurd, disproportionate, and harmful reaction" to situations, such as when our child ran into traffic.

• He says that criticizing me in front of the kids is necessary because of my "hypersensitive triggers" and believes he needs to defend them from my "reactions". I am not violent at all.

• He also brings up my "untreated anxiety" in front of the kids, in these situations, forbiding me to take the kids with me, because "I am having a panic attack and therefore unable to take care of the children". In two situations, I calmy requested the children to get inside the house and I made it clear that I would call the police if he tried to take the children away from me at that moment.

• When the kids express their concerns to him, he often accuses me of influencing them, which confuses and upsets them.

• My 9 years-old and he are constantly at odds. She can be very rude to him, and he blames me for her actions. However, last week, his mother told him that in fact she is "copying him and how he talks to them (quite rude)". Our daugther sees a therapist because she's worried about my well-being and fears her dad will make me cry or start an argument with me.

OOP on using a parenting coordinator

Hello! We had a parenting co-ordinator (médiateur), but nothing really worked. I would always email the mediator regarding the situation and I would copy my ex too. But he would always denies everything and implies that I was "misunderstanding" what he was saying. Or that "my anxiety" made me believe "he was against me", when in fact, "he was trying to help me".

It came to the point that I had to hire a lawyer. We still dont have the official document for the legal separation because he never provides the missing documents or "forgets" to answer my lawyer

OOP added this comment to another redditors post

Here

Hi OP, I wish I could give you some magical healing tips, but the only thing I can offer you is a simple advice: don’t let anyone make you give up on love!

I went through a lot with my ex husband. I left work and my research to take care of him and our family (we have kids) during his depression. Guess what happened when he got better? Yes, he was flirting with at least 5 women online!!! I will never know with how many of them the cheated on me with, but it doesn’t matter!!! He even said that these women were the ones helping him through his depression, being his support system!!!

Anyway, I got depressed and he made my life miserable!!!! It took me a while to stand up and get better. But I did! Without even trying, I met someone else. My ex husband went mad!!! The grass wasn’t greener as he thought and as a consequence, he lost me to someone else.

He tried so much to destroy everything I had: my mental health, my new relationship, my friendships… I didn’t allow him to!!! You see, he couldn’t make me give up on myself!!!

These girls made their choices to hurt you. But don’t let them destroy your soul, your essence. Don’t let them steal your hope for a true love. Trust me, there are many women who are just waiting for the chance to be truly loved too. Take your time to heal and then give yourself the chance to love again

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