I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Dapper_Lemon_7495

My fiancee got a face tattoo without talking to anyone

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

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Thanks to u/queenlegolas for finding the update

TRIGGER WARNING: drug abuse, mental breakdown, death by overdose

Original Post  Nov 4, 2022

I... am honestly stunned right now.

My fiancee "Kim" I have just learned is completely insane. She took some days off work this week "Sick" and avoided seeing most people in person. She claimed she was feeling sick and just wanted to stay home alone. She has never given me any indication that she would lie about this in the 6 years we've been together. No one in her family had any worries because she was a stable individual who would never do anything crazy.

She got a face tattoo.

She took 3 sick days from work to recover from the fact that she got a face tattoo. She told no one of this plan beforehand. I have never in our time together been talked to about tattoos by Kim. She showed no indication that she was even interested in getting any. I was not even the first to learn. Her sister visited her because she got worried after Kim canceled meeting with her for lunch on her 3rd day "Sick" and got the grand reveal. She didn't tell anyone beforehand because she "Didn't want to be talked out of it" and hit the results because the swelling and redness were so bad that we would "react badly and not be able to understand the artistic meaning."

Kim is Asian American. She got Japanese symbols going down her forehead and under her eye. I don't know the meaning of them. I don't really know if I care to know the meaning of them. Kim's parents are Japanese immigrants. According to her sister, who was nice enough to inform me of this whole debacle, this is a big no-no in Japanese culture. Tattoos have links to crime and are looked down upon. Her parents are beside themselves and that is a whole other set of drama I can't even begin to approach.

Kim talked to me last night about it, and acted offended and started a fight because I told her it was absolutely insane of her to do this. She works a public-facing job. She talks face-to-face with clients in the financial industry. The minute her boss finds out, the career that she went to school for will be over. She actually didn't consider her job, or family, or me at all and decided "a long time ago" she was going to express herself freely without any concerns.

I'm worried about her right now. This is not normal. She blocked my number after our fight and is ghosting me and her sister because we're trying to help. But, dear lord, this is far beyond me. I cannot comprehend what I'm even supposed to do right now. Kim's lost her mind. Is there any chance I will be happy married to.... this? A woman who went and got a face tattoo, and hid that fact because she knew we would all talk her out of it> Dear lord I really need to run don't I?

Wow, uh, this got some attention huh?

I read through the replies, but I can't really respond to all of you so I'll just update here. The engagement is pretty much off. Kim has told me she never wants to see me again and I woke up this morning with her ring and a box of stuff I gave her on my porch. I don't know what's going on with her. Her sister and family have been trying their best, but nothing on their end is working. I brought up to her sister the idea this is a mental breakdown and they are looking into getting her help. It's painfully slow, considering Kim is not responding to anything and is refusing to talk to anyone.

I really don't know what to say here, I guess? To answer some questions, Kim is 29, and I'm 28. In the 7 years, I've known her, she has never acted like this at all. She had a good relationship with her parents and while they were a bit overbearing at times, they supported her in going to college and getting a career rather than starting a family. From what I've gathered, they probably would have been fine with any tattoo she got as long as it was not on her face, neck, or hands. Even then, this kind of behavior is as far from Kim as I could have imagined. She just, lost her mind out of nowhere? It's not like I can do anything about it either. She's blocked my number and does not want to see me. I'm just at a loss for words. One day I'm engaged, and the net I'm not and my Ex has a face tattoo...

Update - 8 months later  July 27, 2023

About 9 months ago, my ex-fiancee "Kim" got a face tattoo without telling anyone. This was just the start of her doing everything she could to ruin her life. She broke up with me and called off our 7-year relationship when I questioned why she did this. She worked in a client-facing job for an incredibly large financial institution and was let go within a month of showing back up for work after getting the tattoo. I kept in contact with Kim's sister hoping for some news. They tried to get her help, as they thought she was having some kind of psychotic break. However, she eventually called the police on her own family claiming they were harassing her. After that, I decided to just walk away.

Kim didn't just destroy her own life. When she broke up with me, I felt numb. I knew this wasn't Kim doing this. I wanted to believe deep down that Kim was always like this. Always this impulsive crazy who would ruin her life by getting a face tattoo. I tried to convince myself that I had not lost a wonderful woman who I had spent 7 years of my life with. However, the person who made these choices was not Kim. The woman who told me over the phone she hated my guts for not supporting her. The woman who wrote she hated me and only ever stayed with me out of pity. That was not the woman I asked to marry. That was not Kim. That was someone, who I came to find out, was having a mental breakdown. That resulted in months of bad decisions that will affect the rest of her life.

The day I walked away and told her sister I could not deal with it anymore was the worst day of my life. It hit me like a train. The numbness and denial of what I lost hit me all at once. I almost quit my own job and moved back home to my parents. I can only thank my boss for being so understanding that she let me take 4 weeks off to deal with what happened. She and the rest of my team went far beyond what should ever be expected of co-workers and management that it makes me realize how close I was to leaving a job I actually enjoy.

I never moved on from Kim, but I came to accept what had happened. I thought I was ok, until 2 weeks ago. I got a call from Kim. She had blocked my number, and done everything she could to remove me from her life. My mind just blanked when I saw it was her calling. I picked up, and it was actually her. We didn't talk, I did not know what to say to her. We decided she would come over to my place, and we talked.

The tattoo is still there, but she's covering it up now with makeup. She says when she has the funds she's going to look into getting it removes if possible. She had lost a lot of weight since I last saw her. She's not been able to find a new job, she'll probably need to move to a new city for that. She wasn't the Kim I had fallen in love with. She was like a shell of her, something just wasn't there anymore that used to be.

Kim told me what had happened. The year leading up to the tattoo was awful for her. The stress of everything seemed to pile up more and more. I'll respect her, and keep much of what she told me secret. However, the thing that is important is that she secretly started doing methamphetamines to keep her performance up at work and to deal with everything. And one day, she just out of nowhere decided she hated everything about her life. She explained why at the time she wanted the tattoo. It doesn't really make much sense, but a lot of what she was thinking at the time didn't. And from there, she just lost control of everything. I won't talk about what happened after she disappeared, but it is not pretty. There are things she did that will follow her for the rest of her life. It explained a lot, but it did not make things any better.

We talked for nearly the entire night. She didn't leave my place till almost 4 am. Since then, she's said that she wants to try and get back together with me. She admitted she knows things cannot be the same. Yet, she wants to try.

I haven't talked to anyone about what I'm about to say yet. I've held off on talking to Kim about it because it feels selfish. But, there's something about the way Kim acts about the way it affected my life that irks me. When we talked that night, she said that I was lucky she cut me off. I was lucky I didn't get put through any of this. I was lucky that my "crazy ex" wasn't at my door screaming or showing up to my work and causing a scene. She acts like my life wasn't affected at all. I told her what happened after she left. How much it hurt, how I almost quit my job and moves across the country. her response was. dismissive. Like because I didn't go through with that I don't get to complain. She acted like because I was not the one with the tattoo on her face, I don't get to act like it had long-lasting effects on me. She didn't even apologize for the explicit and hateful note she left with my things when she returned them. Or for the phone call where she called me a manipulative selfish asshole who only wanted her for her body. Or even just for breaking up with me. She knows she was wrong to do it, but it's almost as if she's acting like because she had a breakdown, I can't hold her accountable for what she did to me because it "wasn't long-lasting."

I texted her last night, saying how hard it was for me when she left. She ignored it entirely and tried to move on. No acknowledgment at all. I don't know why, but it hurt me. It hurt me so much. I feel like I did back when all those emotions finally hit me after she left. I wish she had just never come back into my life now. I wish I didn't know what happened. I wish I hadn't picked up the call. Because it hurts. But, a part of me feels like I'm being selfish or complaining too much. That I don't get to feel this way, because I'm not the one who had the mental breakdown.

NEW UPDATE

My ex died of a drug overdose.  June 13, 2024 (1 year after 1st update)

I learned yesterday that my ex, "Kim," died of a drug overdose Sunday.

I'm still processing the news I guess. We broke up two years ago after Kim got a face tattoo out of nowhere. I have some other posts on this account about that if you want the full story.

Kim reappeared in my life about a year ago after going breaking up with me and essentially becoming a ghost. She wanted to get back together with me, and i stupidly considered it and let her get the foot in the door. She claimed she was clean but she wasn't, It was obvious she was still using meth, and my guess is she was still using fentanyl. After I finally declined to get back together with her she slashed my tires after causing a scene at my office. Luckily she's been out of my life for 6ish months now after some cop put the fear of god in her after she broke the restraining order.

I've not heard much about Kim since then, thankfully. Last I heard she was wanted on a warrant and was hiding low across state lines.

Yesterday, though, Kim's sister called me to let me know she was found dead Sunday morning. She wanted me to hear it from her instead of through the grape vine. I appreciate it, despite everything Kim's family have been nothing but kind to me.

Kim's parents are quietly cremating her and there won't be any ceremony. Seems that stealing and abusing her family since she started doing meth has made them just as detached about her as me. Or, maybe they've already mourned the loss of their daughter long ago, and now is just the end of whatever remained.

  Right now, I don't know how to feel. I feel like I should be sad. I knew Kim for 7 years, I was with her for 6. I was engaged to her. I lost my virginity to her. She was the first person I truly loved. I used to sit up with her and talk about the family I wanted to have. I wanted Kim to be the mother to my kids. Sat up with me as I cried when I heard the news of my mothers death. At one point in my life, she was the most important thing in the world to me.

And I don't feel anything. When Kim left me, I was devastated. When she came back into my life, she made me feel a combination of emotions I can't even describe. And now, hearing the news that she's dead. I don't feel anything. I don't feel numb, I'm not in shock. I just, am lacking any emotion towards this event at all. I feel like I should feel something. Right?

I still miss Kim. Not the Kim that died Sunday. Not the Kim that stalked me. But the Kim I met. The Kim I fell in love with. The Kim that died when she started to do meth. I still feel sad when I think about her. But, knowing this other Kim is dead, just makes me feel nothing.

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