I am not The OOP, OOP is u/AITA-academic

AITA for suggesting my boyfriend wouldn't understand my work?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: deeply condescending behavior, contempt

Original Post  May 1, 2022

I [40s m] work in academia. My job requires a great deal of technical knowledge and it isn't particularly accessible to people without a certain level of education, that's just a fact. I'm currently dating someone [20s M] who does not come from an academic background. He is very different from people I've dated in the past and from the majority of my friends. He is a wonderful person and a lot of fun to spend time with but he is not particularly educated so I tend not to discuss my work with him.

I was having friends from work over for drinks and he asked if he could join us. I tried to politely suggest he might not enjoy it but he still wanted to come. My friends were very friendly and accommodating but ultimately he just couldn't understand a lot of the things we wanted to talk about. Several of my friends suggested we steer clear of work-talk to be more inclusive but to be perfectly honest I didn't want to do that, I wanted to talk about the topics I found interesting. My boyfriend tried to ask questions and contribute to the conversation when he could but overall he seemed lost and it made the evening uncomfortable. I admit I ended up getting slightly snappy when he asked questions and I told him there was no point in trying to explain because he wouldn't get it.

I accept that I was too blunt and I did apologize afterwards but he's still being quiet and stand-off-ish. He said I told him he was "too stupid to understand [my] work" which is deliberately misrepresenting what I said. My friends who were there are divided. Several agree with me but several think I was unnecessarily rude. One made a joke that I must struggle to apply for research funding if I can't even explain what I do to my own partner - I understand the point she was trying to make but writing a lay summary is very different to explaining my work to someone who didn't even go to college.

Was I the asshole?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

Temporary_Badger

YTA. Aw, did your boy toy get uppity and expect to actually be treated like a human being? And in front of your special grown up friends? How awful. You might be better off just getting a blow up doll if you don’t want to have to bother to treat your partner with respect.

I know many, many academics and the smartest ones are easily able to communicate about what they do to a broad range of people, regardless of their formal education level. Either you’re not one of the smartest ones, or the idea that your boyfriend could understand your work is too threatening to your tiny ego so you’d rather avoid admitting it. And it’s pretty notable that multiple friends who understand your work thoroughly don’t think it’s impossible to explain to someone.

~

MissAnth

YTA

"Several of my friends suggested we steer clear of work-talk to be more inclusive." Your friends are not AHs. They know how to behave at a gathering

OOP edits/updates

Editing to clarify some points a lot of commenter are making:

• For those who are accusing me of being "intentionally vague" about our exact ages: I'm 46, he's 22. Yes, there is an age gap. However, he isn't a child and implying that he is does him a disservice.

• I do not want to give an exact description of my job for presumably obvious reasons. I work in research (rather than teaching) in a specific field of engineering.

• I am not incapable of explaining what I do to my boyfriend, I just didn't have the patience to do so at that time and it would have interrupted the discussion I was trying to have.

• People are suggesting I "don't seem to like" my boyfriend. That is completely untrue. It didn't seem relevant to list his many positive qualities in this post. The majority of my past relationships have been with people who are closer in age with more similar educational backgrounds, dating my current boyfriend is a very different experience but (with the exception of the current issue) it's been an overwhelmingly positive one.

Further edit: 

I understand that I owe him more of an apology than I've given him. Enough people have made the judgement that I feel superior to him or don't value him, that's not how I feel but there's clearly something wrong with how I'm coming across. I knew I hurt him so I should have been less focused on whether or not I was technically in the right. He's willing to meet up and talk so hopefully he'll be willing to give me a chance to improve.

Final update:  I can't imagine anyone will see this but I was unable to post a separate update. If anyone cares and is inclined to offer any advice or feedback I have made an update here

Update on my previous post (not approved by moderators)  May 3, 2022 (2 days later)

As my original post received so many responses, I decided to provide an update. It was declined by moderators because my original post was recent but as I will more than likely delete this account I didn't wish to leave it longer.

The responses ranged from critical to out-and-out rude, and I'm aware I'm opening myself up for more of the same. However, some of what was said aligns with how people in real life have responded.

I have apologized to my boyfriend again, this time taking into consideration some of the points that were raised on my original post. I was too focused on whether what I said was technically correct and didn't pay enough attention to how it would have felt for him. I should have made the effort to include him in the conversation and in general I shouldn't assume he won't be able to engage with certain conversations just because he doesn't have the same educational background. He was more gracious than I deserved, he mentioned that this isn't the first time I've made him feel this way though it is the first time he has brought it to my attention. He hasn't broken up with me which I'm sure many of the original commenters will be disappointed to hear.

Several of my colleagues who were present have challenged me on my behavior. One in particular has been very heated and it's causing a lot of tension. I don't think her reaction was appropriate but I'm trying not to dismiss what she's said as I'm aware I do need to make improvements. Several things she has said have hit home and lined up with some of the responses to my last post. I'm recognizing some unpleasant patterns of behavior in myself which is uncomfortable to say the least. It is also entirely unfamiliar territory for me so it's difficult to know where to start. My colleague indicated that I "need therapy". My first instinct was to dismiss this as something said in anger, but it may be something I should consider. It's unlikely I will make changes to my behavior if I don't recognize or understand what I'm trying to change.

Another colleague contacted my boyfriend via social media following the evening I posted about to "apologize on [my] behalf" without my knowledge and has apparently offered to answer any questions he has about our work. This seems entirely inappropriate to me and frankly I can't think of any reason he would have done this other than to make me look bad and make himself look good. I haven't yet expressed this, to my boyfriend or to my colleague, as I want to take time to consider it and make sure I'm reacting appropriately.

I'm perfectly aware this isn't the outcome that commenters hoped for. I am open to considering any feedback or suggestions on attitudes/behavior I need to work on.

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