I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowraTastelessHost

AITA for taking credit for dinner after the praise was given to my wife?

Originally posted to r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC

Original Post  May 5, 2024

I could not cook for the life of me before I met my wife. Not that I was incompetent, just a very boring cook: grilled cheese, boiled dogs, ramen with maybe an egg or slice of cheese for excitement, bland oven baked chicken or pork chops that were never juicy.

Our first year of dating she painstakingly took her time in the kitchen to help me learn what spices suited each other, or what different chemical reactions go on with marinades or roasting and so on. I've since actually come to love cooking and experimenting and learning new recipes on my own. It helps I enjoy trying new stuff but I was afraid to do it without her encouragement and support.

We hosted a party, mostly family (maybe hers more than mine) and I cooked everything. I was so proud of myself, maybe stupidly, for handling a 20 dinner party from invites to grocery shopping to cooking to handling set up and break down and all. I've helped with cooking and preparation with other parties over our four years but never soup to nuts.

My FIL thanked her for the meal. I can only attribute this to ego but I said "well, you can thank her for teaching me to cook". He kind of got red in the face, then said she did a great job teaching me, and that was that.

As I was cleaning up she asked me why I felt the need to brag by putting her down. I said that wasn't what I meant to do but she said that was what I did, regardless of intent. I apologized but it just wasn't enough. I also asked if this was something I did often, making her feel overlooked, but she said that a party with her family wasn't the place for me to start bragging.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Alien_lifeform_666

You didn’t put her down though! You gave her proper credit for teaching you. She was the asshole for stealing credit. She should have corrected your FIL. I wonder if she’s envious or threatened by your newfound skills? NTA.

OOP

I doubt she's envious. She's a master in the kitchen, and she really excels with baking but her cooking is phenomenal.

People often compliment her for how well she cooked.  In hindsight maybe she's also upset my food, which still is nowhere near hers in quality, was mistaken for hers?

Update  May 6, 2024

I think I'm misusing the term but missing missing reasons comes to mind. She was stressed by work due to a sudden project that she wanted to be well rested for to tackle. A dinner party with plenty of people isn't going to help that. The party was planned before the project was dumped on her. She also apologized for her reaction and admitted it was out of line for her to say that, and reassured me that I did a great job, especially for my first party and for such a size. That night was out of character for her which is why I was concerned I screwed up.

She was frustrated by the conversation she was having with her aunt because she was hinting around for babies. She didn't hear her dad at first because she was focused elsewhere, then her mind caught up and she felt ashamed, like others were judging her for not being the one to cook (and according to what she's mentioned he probably instilled that in her), and she felt at the time like I was too quick to correct him. I tried to apologize for that but she said it was fine, she was just more sensitive because of her embarrassment.

I asked if there was anything specific I could change in how I show my appreciate that could help her feel fulfilled and validated: I verbally show my gratitude and clean up the kitchen after she cooks as a thank you, but she clearly isn't feeling appreciated and that means there needs to be a adjustment.

We're going to keep talking about how we both handle gratitude and appreciation for each other, to make sure we both feel fulfilled, and how I can support her best in the weeks upcoming because this project she had dropped on her is a big one that will mean a lot of extra hours for her.

RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO

FoodBabyBaby

I appreciate this update. Out of curiosity- what did she do for this event? I couldn’t tell from the last post.

I saw you shopped and cooked, but as someone who has hosted a lot personally and professionally I know there is a ton more that goes into it.

Who did the following? - cleaned the house for guests - coordinated invites/responses/sending info - set up the tables/decor - drinks (purchasing, set up, making) - hosting (greeting, serving, etc)

OOP

I cleaned the house and set up tables, coordinated invites and RSVPs, and went shopping for drinks and food. There weren't many mixed drinks, mostly water, soda, wine, or beer, so not much that needed more than a glass and the bottle opened. 

We both greeted, just by nature of who had been closer to the door, but it was informal in how everyone came in. I put out the food, but that's typical. She mostly helped entertain by talking with the guests. 

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